by Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos
Normally, I don’t think of my husband as the world’s most observant person. However, tonight, when the Swan was on, he said to me, “Hey, honey (he calls me honey…I told you he wasn’t observant.) why do all of the Swans look alike?
Now, I didn’t really want to get into a philosophical discussion with him, but, didn’t all the [b]Stepford Wives[/b] look similar too, after their transformations? Maybe America thinks that the standard of beauty is big-breasted, thin-waisted blondes.
Hmmmm. That would certainly be a change of pace, wouldn’t it? This country has almost never prized those attributes in its women.
The two contenders tonight were Cinnamon Smith. Yes, her real first name was Cinnamon. (She wasn’t trying on a new stripper name. I swear!) She is a 31 year-old police officer from Philadelphia, PA. She has three kids. She got married and divorced young. She admits to being a tomboy and never feeling feminine or sexy.
Next up was Patti Shidon (I know I’m spelling that wrong!). She is 42. That makes her the oldest Swan. Does an old Swan become a duck? What happens there? (Sorry, it’s late and I’m tired —cranky and just pms-ing!)
Patti was also a police officer, but in Houston. Her first husband, Lyndon, was also a cop. Hey, you never see COPS on FOX anymore! (Somebody stop me, puh-lease!)
He died in 1999 after a long bout with cancer. He had a brain tumor. Patti feels as though her youth was taken from her by this horrible disease. She and her children just want to live again.
She is remarried to a wonderful man. He’s probably the sweetest husband I’ve seen yet on this show.
Each woman will have extensive work to be done in order for their transformations to take place.
* breast augmentation
* tummy tuck
* brow lift
* 1200 calorie a day diet
* 2 hours a day in the gym
* face lift
* breast augmentation
* eyelid refinement ( a specialist was brought in for that)
* lasik surgery
* zoom bleaching
* gym – 2 hours per day
During her surgical consult, Patti mentions that she has a cyst on her nose. Dr. Dubrow looks at it, but plans go ahead for surgery. Meanwhile, Cinnamon is having issues with the dentist. She’s got lots of reconstruction work to do. She sobbed when she saw underneath her crowns, “I look like a monster.”
Both women are very unhappy to be away from their families, especially their children.
Cinnamon’s excited that the tummy tuck will help her look lean in the middle. She’s okay that her tattoo will disappear and quips, “I’ll just get another one — of a swan on my back.” She’s got a great ‘tude and says, “Whatever it takes, I’m willing to do.”
Patti’s surgery day is here. The cyst on her nose is not good news. Dr. Dubrow has it taken to a lab for tests. It’s cancerous. They opt not to do Patti’s facial surgery until they can determine how much cancer, etc.
Patti is devastated. Remember: her first husband died of a brain tumor. It tore her life and her children’s apart. Dr. Dubrow is very reassuring and comforting and promises he’ll do all he can to help her. Patti calls her husband who’s obviously concerned. She begs him not to tell the children. She doesn’t want to alarm them.
Dr. Ianni and Patti work hard in therapy to help her deal with the diagnosis and facing her fears regarding cancer. Patti blames herself for not getting the cyst checked sooner and Dr. Ianni tells her, “don’t have regrets. Tell yourself you did the best that you could do at the time.”
The Swan team of experts really pulled through to help Patti get through this process. Dr. Dubrow had Patti see a specialist, Dr. Hung, who dug out the cancer cells. They deemed her cancer-free. She was able to have her face lift.
Meanwhile, Cinnamon was missing her little ones so bad. She had to put their pictures away. It was too painful for her. Her spirits are lifted with a videotape and package from the precinct. Her partner bought her a pair of really cool pumps. She was in shock, but laughed that these big, hairy cops bought her sexy shoes. She started practicing her walk in them.
Now for the reveals:
Cinnamon looked yummy. (ha, ha!) Maybe she was a little spicy. She said: “Cinderella only had a fair godmother; I was blessed with a fairy god team.”
Well, it would take a village to make me beautiful. (HA!)
Patti looked gorgeous. She also looked very much like herself (just a bit better), which hasn’t been the case with some of the other Swans this season.
Cinnamon went onto the pageant. I was a bit surprised. Someone said, that Patti’s heart was at home and that’s why she didn’t get picked. I think it’s…
Patti’s 42 and Cinnamon’s 31, you do the math. I’ll leave it at that, okay!
***If you want to argue with me about standards of beauty, etc., please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.