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Freelance entertainment writer, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.

The Amazing Race, Feb. 19 – “My Uterus Is In My Throat!”

“Travel safe. Go!”

The teams begin racing into the field pulling down balloons and looking for the clues. Dave and Cherie are lagging behind everyone else arriving in the field. This doesn’t bode well for them. Elliot and Ralph are the first to get a balloon with a clue, followed by Vanessa and Ralph and Joey “Fitness” and Danny. The clue tells them to fly to Santa Barbara. I’m confused, as I thought they were already there.

Kerri and Stacy are the next to find a clue, followed by Brendon and Rachel, and Rachel and Dave. Nary and Jamie are the next to find a clue. Elliott and Ralph take off in their Ford and see a video from Phil. He tells they they’re headed to Santa Barbara … Argentina. Ah-ha. There’s the catch. First they need to head to LAX and the American Airlines ticket counter to get tickets to Buenos Aires. Only the first six teams will get tickets on the fastest-connecting flight to Salta, the closest airport to Santa Barbara.

Blonde Rachel mentions that “Green Sparkly” is in front of her and Dave. That would be Redhead Rachel. She calls her a green shamrock from … something. I can’t make out what she says, and when I turned the Closed Captioning on to figure out, they think she is calling Rachel Sheet Rock. Thank you, but I did better than that on my own.

Clowns Dave and Cherie are the next team to find a clue, followed by Art and J.J. They thank the Lord for helping them find it. It’s nice of you to thank him, but I think he’s too busy to watch The Amazing Race.

As Mark and Bopper continue to look, Mark says, “God, this is grueling, ain’t it, Man?” He says he’s getting ready to throw up. I like that they’re native-speaking people to this country, yet we still get subtitles for them. If Blonde Rachel had them, we’d know where the green shamrock was form. It’s just them and Misa and Maiya still searching. The men eventually find one, leaving the sisters out there searching. They guys start doing some screaming, and the editors probably should have added subtitles again.

In the Ford, Mark mentions something about a pot of potatoes, and thinks he’s going to be sick. Bopper tells him they’re racing for a million dollars; they’re not going to be stopping to throw up. Regardless, Bopper pulls over so Mark can puke. He’s requesting that he sit back there with barf bags from now on, and tells him he can even pee his pants if he has to. I’m not sure how he’ll handle the rest of the Race if pulling balloons out of a corn field makes him queasy.

It’s now an hour and forty-five minutes in, and the sisters are still looking for the last balloon with a clue. The finally find it, refusing to give up.

Without any airport drama to see which teams get the faster flight, Phil informs us all the teams are on their way to Buenos Aires, then to Salta. Elliot/Andrew, Brendon/Rachel, Nary/Jamie, Art/J.J., Rachel/Dave, and Vanessa/Ralph are on the first connecting flight, scheduled to land two-and-a-half hours before the others. The teams will need to drive themselves to Santa Barbara, Argentina, to pick up their next clue.

The first six teams race to their cars and take off for Santa Barbara. Art and J.J. are in first place figuring that the other five teams haven’t even left the Buenos Aires airport yet. Sure enough, Mark and Bopper are still waiting to catch the next flight. They’re hoping someone ahead of them will make a mistake, allowing them to catch up to them. They have names already for the other teams. They’re flying with “the Hawaiian girls, the Jersey Boys, the Clowns, and the girls from Mississippi.” The latter of which. they decide, have “the badonkadonk.” Their accent is so thick, the closed captioning thinks they say “clients” instead of “clowns.”

Art and J.J. are the first to the clue in Santa Barbara, and it’s nothing more than a basket on the side of the road. The clue tells them to make their way to Aerodromo Gilberto Lavaque. Nary/Jamie, Brendon/Rachel, RachelDave, Vanessa/Ralph, and Elliot/Andrew arrive at the clue as well, in that order.

The other five teams arrive in Salta and drive towards Santa Barbara. Fitness and Danny, gosh that seems weird to type, are in the lead of that pack. Mark tells Bopper it’s time to “jam down.” Misa and Maiya call Salta a cute little town. Dave is having a hard time driving, and is grinding the gears. Bopper and Mark pass Fitness and Danny. Cherie remarks they haven’t seen any other teams and feels it’s going to be harder to recover. Dave doesn’t want her to start panicking quite yet. This leads Cherie to tears that she calls “Tears of a Clown.”

I am really disturbed by the commercial with Sharon rubbing Ozzy’s chest and asking if he has a secret fantasy, to which he answers to fly to New York and get a colonoscopy, with Crazy Train playing in the background.

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