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Survivor 24 Preview – How Many Ways Can We Say Samoa?

Michael Jefferson – Age: 30 – From: Seattle, Wash – Occupation: Banker

There is one thing everyone can agree on these days – people just love bankers. His dad is his hero. Ok, maybe he’s a good banker. He also hates bad breath, and doesn’t like annoying eaters. I hope there’s no meat challenge this season. He is a big fan of Ethan and Rupert. They played clean games. Except when Rupert stole those shoes, of course. Being on Survivor is his mom’s dream.

Chances of winning – he referenced his mom and dad, hard not to like that. Jury, perhaps?

Leif Manson – Age: 27 – From: San Diego, Calif – Occupation: Phlebotomist

Part of me just wants to see Russell try and spell phlebotomist. Not much of interest in his bio – except for this…His claim to fame is meeting and working with Billy Barty and Mickey Rooney in the same day. What?!?! That’s a Coach-esque story. It just needs to be the three of them floating down the Amazon on a raft. And Barty is on one of those kid leashes, just to piss off the others. He likes paintball. If he likes Community, then I am on board with Leif. He sees Fabio, whose wit and skills were misjudged and underestimated but he outplayed them all in the end, as a role model. Whatever, Fabio is still the worst winner ever.

Chances of winning – meh, maybe a jury?

Jonas Otsuji – Age: 37 – From: Lehi, Utah – Occupation: Sushi Chef
Now THIS is a great Survivor profession. He is skilled at preparing raw fish! He reinvented himself after bankruptcy as a chef – and if he wins, my advice…get a financial advisor. Stat. Another one of these bozos who likes Fabio. Come on!! How about some Boston Rob, or even Amazon Rob fans!!

Chances of winning – I don’t see it, but he sticks around for his fish skills.

Bill Posley – Age: 28 – From: Venice, Calif – Occupation: Stand-Up Comedian

I would rather a stand up philosopher. I reserve judgment until I hear some of his jokes. His inspiration is his grandfather who survived lung cancer. Go gramps! He cites his own work ethic several times. Amazing that a stand up comedian’s bio is not very funny at all.

Chances of winning – Let’s see how funny he is.

Matt Quinlan – Age: 33 – From: San Francisco, Calif – Occupation: Attorney

He’s one of those people who says things like this – “I aim to maximize my potential in everything I do. It is what keeps me pushing every day. Of course, “potential” is an elusive thing, but I look forward to chasing it for the rest of my life.” In other words, he’s that Facebook friend that always posts seemingly profound messages, but are really just nonsense platitudes. He has never seen anyone like himself on Survivor. And he plans to play the game like no other. I would give good money if he played it on his head in an English accent. That would be unique.

Chances of winning – Slim

Troy Robertson – Age: 50 – From: Miami, Fla – Occupation: Swimsuit Photographer

I love this guy already. First – his job is taking pictures of people like Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton. Envy. Next, he says things like this – his personal claim to fame is “adopting and raising my family of 12 marmoset monkeys.” He idolizes Muhammad Ali. He doesn’t like those who text while he is talking to them (who does that!), and women with man hands. He claims to make fire with sticks, is a great swimmer, and has “great animal instincts.” He also says it is his destiny to be Sole Survivor. Not his density. Dude is basically Coach and Ozzy rolled into one.

Oh, and did I mention his nickname is Troyzan? He may be my 2nd favorite Troy .

Chances of winning – He goes early, or he makes the Finals.

Greg Smith – Age: 64 – From: Houston, Texas – Occupation: Plastic Surgeon

Here is another one with an awesome, amazing bio that seems to have been written as part of that creative writing game where you write a sentence and pass it around, and others add sentences to the story. He won first place for research in reconstructive surgery. He has played for “Doug Silvers & the Starliters” as an organ/pianist. He finished fourth place as Campion Missouri State Wrestler Light Heavyweight. His inspiration is Tarzan. I hope the Johnny Weismueller version and not the Disney, Phil Collins version. Wait, Tarzan vs. Troyzan? Japanese monster movie or Survivor 24? He also names Scaramouche “(the Raphael Sabatinni version) – a statesman, romantic, adventurer, swordsman and empathic toward the needs to women” – as an inspiration. I don’t know if he does the Fandango. Stunningly, he calls Coach his Survivor role model.

Chances of winning – See Troyzan.

Predicted Order of Finish

Early BootsMonica, Jay, Alicia, Matt, Bill, Sabrina
JuryChristina, Leif, Tarzan, Nina, Michael, Kim, Jonas, Troyzan, Kourtney
Final ThreeColten, Chelsea and Kat. My early pick to win is Chelsea. We’ll see how off this is – because, you know, it is totally random.

Survivor starts tomorrow night. And in honor of my 10th season – here is my Ideal All-Star season based on those seasons I have recapped:

Men – Boston Rob, Coach, Stephen, Bob, JT, Russell, Cochran, Todd, Marty
Women – Amanda, Parvati, Sandra, Cirie, Sugar, Ashley, Sophie, Peih-Gee, Sydney (best looking female Survivor ever)

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