home Cooking Top Chef: Texas – Ep 9 – “It’s Like Sex In The Mouth”

Top Chef: Texas – Ep 9 – “It’s Like Sex In The Mouth”

Elimination Challenge – Cook Barbecue for 300 Guests at The Salt Lick restaurant. The proteins must be chicken, beef brisket and pork spare ribs. Cooking began at 10:18 pm after shopping, and Paul wanted to get into the smoker first. That was the key. Unfortunately, the meat fell inside he smoker and they lost lots of cook time as a result. Glasses is cooking with a beer can in the bird’s body cavity.

Paul/Lindsay of the Corn/Grayson – Smoked Brisket with Bourbon BBQ Sauce, Curry BBQ Chicken, Caramel Miso Pork Rib, Watermelon Salad and Nouc Mam – Padma makes yummy sounds for the chicken. Gail thinks it is sweet and spicy. Tom isn’t fond of the brussels sprouts, however, the cilantro and watermelon is a big hit.

The Destroyer/Edward/Sarah – Texas Chicken, KC Style Pork Ribs, Smoked Brisket, Poppy Seed Cole Slaw and Pinto Beans. Nathan thinks Sarah’s chicken was well-cooked. The BBQ sauce was also good. Gail thinks The Destroyer’s ribs had good flavor, bad texture. Padma liked Ed’s brisket’s flavors. Nathan criticized the pre-cutting of the meat.

Glasses/Malibu/Beverly – Smoked Brisket with Spiced Barbeque Sauce, Sweet N Sticky Pork Ribs with Dr. Pepper Glaze, Pit Roasted Beer Can Chicken, Coleslaw and Bourbon Baked Beans – Nathan complains that the chicken is not BBQ, it is a roast chicken. Tom likes the flavors, but there is no real saltiness. Gail said the beans were not cooked. Tom was unhappy with the salty ribs, and Gail with the chewy brisket. She did like the cole slaw good, or as my son says, cold slaw. Gail also wants some gin to go with her drink. How Canadian.

Before Judges Table, Sarah treads on thin ice by alluding to not being supported by her team. Yikes. Anyway, Paul/Grayson/Lindsay win. Tom even wants the chicken recipe. Grayson can only say that they are soooo tired. The chefs appear to be falling asleep at their seats as the other six appear before the judges. The Destroyer is safe with immunity, so one of the five will go.

The judges say that Sarah’s chicken was more grilled than BBQ due to lack of smoking and Nathan suggests cooking the skin before slathering the sauce. Gail loved The Destroyer’s KC ribs, but he was heavy-handed on the seasoning. Gail was puzzled by the spearmint flavor in the cole slaw. Ed’s brisket was steamed too long, and the pre-slicing was a problem. Bev’s slaw was ok, but Gail wanted more originality from the sides. Glasses’ chicken was grilled, and more of a French grandma’s chicken. Whatever that means. Tom’s eye roll when Malibu explained the Dr. Pepper sauce said it all. The salty sauce made the ribs inedible. The kiss of death. And Malibu is no more.

RILCK – Nyesha vs. Malibu. They have to go to a gas station and make something based on $20 worth of ingredients. They each raced to get the Polish sausage, with Nyesha getting it first. Malibu called out the five minute warning at the station, then laughed because there was only two of them there anyway.

Nyesha – Beer-glazed Smoked Sausage with a Pork Rind Twill & Chili Cheese Sauce

Malibu – Tograshi Spiced Tomato Soup with Spicy Pork Rinds, Grilled Cheese with Fried Ham and Pickle – As Tom rightly pointed out, wasn’t this a Cuban sandwich?

Nyesha earned another win and is now the 3X champ. She is trying to become the Ozzy of Top Chef (Survivor, folks, look it up if you don’t know!)

Quickfire Hits
• Anyone else know what Ed was talking about when he said that Heather made his recipes when she won? Was that a plot line I missed?
• Speaking of Edward and Grayson – the last two to make the cut are still around in the Final Eight. Interesting, huh?
• Malibu noted that a line on the Mod Cuisine book explained how not to use a blow torch. That would be a long list, wouldn’t it? I think a much shorter entry would be on how to actually use a blow torch. It’s called editing, no wonder it was so long.
• Glasses thinks that Nathan could rule a small continent. That would be Australia. And I think conquering is one of the ways not to use a blow torch.
• He also said, “I like to think I am a modern person.” Um, you are. Otherwise you’d be a time traveler. And at no point in history was there a time period where men wore two pairs of glasses at the same time.
• Bev blamed her clumsiness to not going to sleepovers as a child. I blame it on being a klutz.
• Has Sarah ever not been excited to learn what the challenge was?
• The losing Elimination team was also the team that was leftover after the others teamed up. Coincidence?
• Did Edward really call it a “real slamma jamma BBQ”? Did he graduate from Phi Slamma Jamma? This is me. This is me making college basketball jokes from the 1980s.
• Ed joked about Sarah’s old Texas accident sneaking out slowly but surely this season. Hadn’t noticed, but I will listen for it now!
• Did anyone know that Texas was the birthplace of Dr. Pepper? Note how no one is stepping forward to claim to be the birthplace of Mountain Dew.
• The Destroyer walked into the Salt Lick and his mouth watered. Mine did too when watching. And again while typing, just THINKING about watching.
• I want a sauce mop.
• Another scene from my sitcom – Bev tries to cook with bourbon and sets off the smoke alarm.
• Lesser appreciated Grayson quote – “And THAT is how love happens!”
• Malibu’s artwork? Unexpected. As an artist, well, he’s a heck of a good chef.
• After Sarah left for medical aid, The Destroyer lamented that they were working hard – they had 2100 plate strokes and four hands. Plate strokes? Is this Moneyball for cooking?
• Glasses’ t-shirt saying “eat vegans”…I want one. Ironically, I am sure they all taste like chicken.
• When Ed shooed away Sarah during her brief return, that dirty look she shot him actually made me feel like I wronged her. Wow. She also uttered this phrase, “At the end of the day, it is what it is.” She actually combined two of the most overused phrases in the English language into one single platitude. That takes talent.
• Who the heck is Stony LaRue? That sounds like a MacGuffin if I ever heard one.
• Lindsay of the Corn came back from Judges Table to tell the others that the judges wanted to see the white and red teams. Um, why not just say the judges wanted to see everyone?
• Extra scene – Grayson singing the Bull Frog Song. Mmm AAHH went the little green frog. It ranks up there with the Beef Tongue Song.

Next week – Restaurant Wars. Men vs. Women.

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