I broke down and watched. I had to. I wanted to see how this drama played itself out. I set my DVR and vowed that I would not dare watch it when it came on. Well, I had nothing better to do. It was 7pm on a Saturday night. I know that’s sad, but I have two children and well, I’ll let them watch this.
The agitta was building as the music came on. I was grateful that the sponsor was Rolaids because I would be needing some soon. I just felt sick about the whole situation. It was handled very poorly. I sound like a broken record, I know, but it’s true. I just hate the way the big, bad network which shall remain nameless (cough —NBC, NBC… My, where did I get that cold?) handled this whole thing.
So, I grab a fistful of tropical flavored Rolaids and start to watch. Jay Mohr comes out onstage to thunderous applause. The crowd is excited. I guess the controversy sort of heightens the experience. Kind of like — makeup sex, or something.
Mohr appears to have fluffed his hair. Maybe he got a hold of some of the Gotti boys’ hair jel. He looked good. He gave mad props to the crowd. He said, “We got cancelled. You guys went bananas on the internet.” So we’re back on. He also quipped, ‘This could be the premiere of Last Comic Standing 4. I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore?’.
Like I say, honesty always makes for the best comedy. It’s funny because it’s true.
You go, Jay. Hopefully, if there is a LCS 4, it gets picked up by ABC or CBS, where Reality TV shows seem to get some respect.
Anyway, each of the four finalists – John Heffron, Rich Vos, Dave Mordal and Alonzo Bodden took the stage to thunderous applause. It was well-deserved. They all handled themselves impeccably (if you don’t understand the term, read some Castaneda, por favor. Okay, it means they acted with integrity and didn’t go off all angry. They were class acts all the way! Kudos to you!)
John Heffron, the winner of the title from Season 2, was first up. He said, “I’m doing this two minutes for me!” He did his thang as Randy Jackson of American Idol would say.
He said that as a result of his big win from last season, he got the key to the city of Chattanooga, TN. He said he was thinking of holding a party there next week and we could all borrow the key if we wanted to use the city. He’d stick it in a rock — sort of like a weird, Sword in the Stone kind of quest.
I could see it now. My ex-husband and his friends, say, “Hey, let’s go to Chattanooga and get the key to the city. Um, maybe not. Let’s just go get some beer.”
He also announced that he and Mrs. Heffron, his pretty blonde wife they often pan to in the audience, are going to make little Heffrons. In part, because John doesn’t want to be an “old dad.” He doesn’t want this scenario to play out – - “my teenage son could keep his drugs in his sock, I’d be using the little blue holder – the one with the dates on it…He’d forgot where he hid his drugs; I’d forget if I took mine.”
Very funny stuff, Heffron.
Next up was Rich Vos, “The Don”. I bet he’s sick of that moniker. He was in rare form. The audience gave him a lot of applause and he quipped, “Stop it. I’m just gonna let you down.”
Another gem from his act, “I fought in the Gulf War. Yeah, I fought an Iranian at a Gulf Station.”
He also showed his ‘insult-comic’ skills with some funny stuff that he did with the audience, on the fly, it would seem. He’s a sharp one, that Vos. Don’t let the suit fool you.
He said to an Uncle Fester look-a-like, “Hi, sir, how are you doing? Loved you on the Addams Family.”
To a pretty African-American lady, “Once you go white, you go right back to black.”
He also asked which “garage-band”, mullett guy was in and told a pretty blonde, “Do you know how good you’d look in my trunk with duct tape over your mouth?”
It’s cringe comedy, people. As Vos says, he doesn’t care what we think.
That’s cool. It’s just comedy, right? He was funny. Give him his due.
Jay reminded us not to change the channel, “whichever channel we’re on now.”
Dave Mordal came in to a lot of noise. He asked the audience, “Where were you 8 weeks ago when I could’ve used you?”
He talked about how all the fat people took his fatty ice cream. He said, “we are a nation of fat, lazy and stupid people.” Thanks, Dave. I resemble that remark, but, at least I’ve got the sugary ice cream. Yummy!
“I love the ads for 1-800-COLLECT. Save a buck or two. You’re calling collect. You save 100% no matter who you use.”
He also figures we could solve the Middle East crisis by banning all imports on oil because those nations have “nothing to offer but oil and playground sand.” Whoa! Harsh criticism that makes a statement. Hmm. Intelligent and social. Sort of like George Carlin. Good job, Dave.
Finally, we got to see my pick to win it, Alonzo Bodden (and yes, I picked him before NBC announced the winner on their web site this week!). Alonzo started by giving a shout-out to his nieces and nephews. He admits that he loves being an uncle, because “I ask the kids what their parents say they can’t do and we start from there.”
He says parenthood is a lot of responsibility…”kids want to eat every day!” I know, I hate that about my children. They’re 2 and 7 and they want to eat more than once a day. It’s endless.
He told the crowd he was doing this for himself tonight and so he went into his ‘guy friend’ talk. “Women friends are useless. Having a woman friend is like having $19.00 in your bank account and staring at your ATM card.”
“If your woman friends aren’t helping you get laid, one of them should take one for the team.”
He mentioned that someone asked him to take a camping vacation. “Camping? I’m gonna do all this work to pretend I’m homeless.”
At the end of the performances all four comics got a well-deserved standing ovation. Jay Mohr announced them in lowest-to-highest order, sort of like the Miss Universe pageant. (But the comparison stops there, except for maybe Heffon — and Gulman, right?)
Third Runner-up — Rich Vos
Second Runner-up — John Heffron (I was a little surprised, but it’s okay! John still has his key to the city of Chattanooga, right?)
First Runner-up and winner if Mr. Last Comic Standing 3 can not perform his duties — Dave Mordal.
The WINNER & LAST COMIC STANDING is…(can I get a drumroll, please?) —— ALONZO BODDEN.
Of course, the moment was anticlimactic because we knew the outcome, but it was still a deserved win.
Alonzo is a gracious Mr. Last Comic Standing. He’s gonna buy a house. He’s moving on up…just like George and Weezy…
He thanked his mom and dad. He also told his brother and sister that he won’t be borrowing money anymore, nor will he be lending any. (Why’s it gotta be like that, Alonzo? Hmm?)
————- Panndyra Out. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have questions, or comments. If LCS 4 happens, I’ll cover it, but ONLY BECAUSE I SUPPORT COMEDY, not the network!