home Cooking Top Chef: Texas – Ep 5 – The Real Housewives of Dallas

Top Chef: Texas – Ep 5 – The Real Housewives of Dallas

Bottom – Wasp – Chicken and beans are straight out of a can and boring. Vampira – one dimensional and too sweet. Pretty Boy – raw tofu and under-seasoned.

Top – Edward – wonderful detail. Lindsay of the Corn – Besh was scared at first but says it was a good sandwich. Chewie – canned smoked trout? Now Besh is a believer.
Chewie doesn’t realize how much he needs this win. However, Lindsay of the Corn wins. And Edward bitches that it must have been a helluva sandwich because it looked dry as Texas sand. Maybe that’s what she can name it.

Elimination Challenge – Progressive Party at the houses of three rich Dallas neighbors. The appetizers are at the home of Kim and Justin Whitman. Kim is the only one of the three wives who seems to have a job – she is a hot, tanned Canadian author of books about entertaining, married to a rich Texan. That old, classic love story. They almost asked for all pink foods. Yikes. Instead, they ask for no peppers, cilantro, or anything that gives you bad breath or gets stuck in your teeth. They also are not adventurous and do want hard to eat things. Glasses chooses to ignore this, although he gets Kim to flirt a bit with him. So that’s a victory.

The entrée house belongs to Kari and Troy Kloewer, who seem completely incompatible. She likes bland food and no meat, he likes spicy and slabs of beef. The dessert house is hosted by the amazingly-named Kameron and Court Westcott. He is a big sweet tooth man – cake balls, cupcakes, sponge, bananas. He even had a gummy bear wedding cake! Kameron wants every calorie to count. Edward says it does not compute that a man this rich could be asking him to make gummy bears. He also rightfully ignores their wishes because they are but two of the dozen people he is cooking for.

Glasses – Roasted Chicken Cigar with Sweet Corn, Collard Greens and Cumin Ash – Tom finds it to be dry, and Kari thinks it is not appetizing.

Sarah – Grilled Roman Style Artichokes with Date Puree – Kim is a big fan, and Gail thinks it was grilled perfectly.

Lindsay of the Corn – Roasted and Raw Beet Salad with Chickpeas and Greek Vinaigrette – Besh is not big on the salad, and Kameron likes the color. Tom looks like he wants to be anywhere else. He is rolling his eyes more than a Survivor juror. I think Lindsay is lucky to have immunity.

Wasp – Seared Scallop over Sweet Corn Puree – Not much here, it’s non-descript, with Justin not happy with the presentation.

Paul – Fried Brussels Sprouts with Grilled Prosciutto – Everyone loves the sprouts.

Heather – Garlic and Rosemary Grilled Lamb Chops with Garbanzo Beans and Mint Chimichurri. – Tom thinks the lamb is overcooked, but the beans are good.

Chewie – Sockeye Salmon Fillet Stuffed with Goat Cheese – The hosts love it, the judges HATE it.

Beverly – Seared Scallop with Creamy Polenta – All of them like the scallop, and the host would want some more.

The Destroyer – Grilled Pork Tenderloin with Summer Slaw – Gail thinks it is really sloppy, and the others think it is straight out of the 1950s.

Nyesha – Roasted Filet of Beef with Vegetable Mélange. – It is REALLY red. Kari thinks the redness is due to blood, but Besh assures her that this is a red wine reduction.

Vampira – Banana Bread Pudding, Banana Mousse and Banana Date Milkshake. – She made shot glasses with the dates. Cool. And why does this house not have shot glasses? Even my humble abode comes equipped with shot glasses. She also has made it with crushed peanut butter cups in the mousse. Kameron thinks this looks like Elmo. Guess what Elmo’s thinking about today, ya-da-da-DA, idots. You know, idiots.

Pretty Boy – Strawberry Cupcake with Banana Custard and Chocolate Icing – Court thinks this is the best cupcake ever. Tom chooses to say nothing.

Edward – Cardamom Scented Panna Cotta, Cantaloupe Consommé and Raspberries stuffed with Basil pudding. – Kameron thinks this is worth every calorie.

Grayson – Chocolate Sponge Cake, Caramelized Bananas and Semifreddo. It was made with chocolate pretzels. The bacon of the dessert world. It is called rich but looks great. Tom wonders if you can actually be too rich in Dallas.

FTW – Sarah, Grayson, Paul and Vampria. Tom loved the saltines of Grayson’s. Besh loved Sarah’s refined flavors. Gail loved the moist gooiness of Vampira’s. Tom said Paul’s texture was perfect. Paul takes home the win for the Lone Star State.

Bottom – the Chrises, The Destroyer and Chewie. Tom thinks Pretty Boy was all over the map. Besh says he doesn’t have to cater to the client’s every whim. The Destroyer’s was not clean, nor in proportion. Besh frowned upon his knife skills. Chewie’s bagel and loxian dish was really overcooked. Tom can’t believe the dish is that way by design. Tom thinks Glasses had a novel idea, but it didn’t make sense, and Besh adds that the collard greens were stringy.

In the end, Chewie is knifed and sent packing. Of course, he just has to pack to head to the RILCK to take on RickRoss. They are told to go to a meat market and bring back a slab of Tomahawk steaks from a 778 pound prime four quarter. Chewie calls Tom the Puff Daddy of steaks, so the challenge is rather daunting. Chewie and RickRoss each boast that they have vast butchering skills. RickRoss cooks with an upside down pan and uses a torch to brown the meat. RickRoss’ butchery is uneven, but clean. Chewie cuts the cap off and loses the gristle as a result, however, he loses tons of flavor.

RickRoss makes his steak for Tom using an iron skillet sear, plus rosemary, salt, pepper. Uneven – almost there.

Chewie’s capless filet disappoints Tom. Chewie cooks his with just salt and pepper. He is a steak purist.

Tom says that RickRoss’ was well-seasoned but his was cooked a bit unevenly. Chewie’s had a nice sear, the bones were perfect and his was a nice medium rare. With RickRoss’ sear slightly too much to one side, it means Chewie sends him home and takes over the RILCK title. The jacket may need a wash or two to shrink.

Quickfire Hits
• I miss seeing the full credits with all of those cheesy shots of the chefs mugging for the camera.
• No Bev, Dolly Parton is not from Texas. She has a whole theme park in another state.
• Lots of weird stuff early. Grayson’s a hobo. Glasses is Ugly Chris. Heather talks about her brother’s vomit. Pretty Boy used to be 70 pounds heavier. Wow. Hey, that’s like one whole Beverly! It seems Vampira may be wanted by the authorities in the City of San Antonio. The Destroyer is gay. Ok, that last part isn’t weird, but I probably would have guessed Pretty Boy before The Destroyer. Especially after his gushing over Besh. Why do all of Pretty Boy’s sexual fantasies involved wind machines?
• Who words – dip mix.
• Edward refuses to make Flintstones food during the Quickfire. I would gladly pay to see the chefs have to make bronto burgers.
• Wasp claims to come from humble upbringings and to have lived in bad hotels. Now there’s a TV movie waiting to happen. The Destroyer also comments on the dichotomy between the Kloewers’ home and his hole in the wall in Brooklyn.
• Wasn’t Beverly the meek one last week, according to Nyesha? And yet, this week she’s aggressively taking over the kitchen and being called Sabotage. To quote Edward, this does not compute.
• Gail is amazed that the Whitmans had 1200 people at their wedding. Gail doesn’t know 1200 people. I tend to doubt that.
• Was the lighting in House #2 infinitely brighter than the first one?
• Extra – Chewie’s dad is Superman. Now THAT would be interesting casting. I would totally watch a Wookiee as the Man of Steel.

Next – Southfork. Ty cuts his hand. Someone needs a refund.

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