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J'Accuse – Starting Over, 10/6/04

10/6/04

Kim’s waking her daughters. She tells them they have an appointment in less than an hour. She tells Towanda she’s pissed at Iyanla for demanding to know her intentions the day before, when Kim asked to be allowed to wear makeup and nice clothes. She relates that she told Iyanla she just wanted to feel like herself while out with her children. This is an uh-oh moment for Towanda, who tells her “I hate that you said that.” While her children put on their makeup, Kim complains to Towanda that Iyanla makes her feel like her feelings are always wrong and she wants to tell her so. Towanda agrees she should speak with Iyanla but cautions her to “control your emotions.”

Sommer is on the phone telling someone she found her makeup in Kim’s bag. She mulls over the irony, considering Kim has said she does not trust Sommer, yet it looks like Kim may be the one who can’t be trusted.

Kim and her daughters meet with Dr. Stan. They discuss Kim’s problems with women. Chelsea says she has the same issues with other girls and wants to learn, along with her mother, how to make these friendships work. Snowden says she understands the assignment of not wearing makeup or dressing up, and that her mother only does this around people who do not know her very well. Chelsea tells him the whole family, dad included, “gets ready” for everything. Dad will not allow them out of the house in sweats. Dr. Stan asks Kim that, while she feels the same no matter what she’s wearing, how do others feel about her based on how she looks? Kim says others feel the same, but Chelsea thinks strangers would see her differently based on how she looks. Dr. Stan tells her it’s possible other women feel “less than”, intimidated, negative, and Kim has an opportunity to change that. Kim protests that with the women she hangs out with, their diamonds are even bigger than hers, and her daughters remind her that those are not the good friends. The kids get to tell her how they feel about her and they all cry. Chelsea tells her everybody loves her and she doesn’t even know it.

The women gather in the loft without the daughters and Iyanla wants to talk about distinctions between what they hear versus what they’re listening to. She says everything we hear is filtered through our internal critic. The women are given slates to carry with them all day, and write down whenever they think their internal filter has just dropped down. Iyanla brings Kim up front (they call it the “love seat”) and asks her if any filters were on during their phone conversation when Kim was asking to be able to dress up for a day. She makes Kim watch a tape of the phone call and her behavior afterwards. (This is a huge improvement over last year, when Towanda narrates that Kim doesn’t get it and is sliding back. They go back and forth, Kim trying to rationalize why she thought she had more permission than she did and even suggesting that there was hidden meaning behind what Iyanla had said. Iyanla narrates that Kim’s rebellion means she is at a crossroads and now she will either start healing or go home. Iyanla tells Kim that her (Iyanla’s) experience was that Kim was dishonest, that she lied to get what she wanted. they go around the room and Towanda tells Kim she clings to things. Sinae says it all makes her wonder what Kim might say to her, to manipulate her to give Kim what she wants. Jen is disappointed because she thought Kim was learning. Josie says she feels like Kim has gone back to day one and will always stay that way. When it’s Sommer’s turn, she tells Kim that earlier while playing cards, she had noticed Kim was wearing eye shadow and asked about it. Kim had assured Sommer she was not, and Sommer, remembered another comment Kim had made about Sommer owning more makeup than Kim. Sommer says she later noticed her own eye shadow missing and decided to look ion Kim’s makeup bag rather than accuse her first. She found the makeup in Kim’s bag and now wants to know why it is Kim who can’t trust Sommer. Kim protests that she doesn’t know what Sommer is talking about. Iyanla dismisses them but first gives them a new vocabulary word – CARE-frontation – to replace “confrontation”.

Later Sommer is with Josie and Jennifer and now they’re all pals because they can hate Kim together.

Sommer meets with Dr. Stan and tells him about the makeup incident. She tells him she looked in Kim’s stuff because she was trying not to be a people-pleaser. Dr. Stan wonders if there were any other options. Sommer says she didn’t want a confrontation and she needed the support of the group. Dr. Stan points out that it wasn’t helpful anyway. WHat if it was unintentional, he asked. Sommer insists that asking would have been a confrontation. Dr. Stan observes that it is easier to go to “anger” when we are confused and scared. they end their session and she says “yay, I didn’t yell at you today!” “You can,” he replies, and she says no. “Then you can’t yell at me later now.” he reminds her.

Kim’s in the van telling her children that the women have all turned on her. (By the way, those rhinestone sunglasses count as both makeup AND jewelry, IMO.) Kim thinks Sommer planted the makeup to set her up. (It does remind one of the mysterious sign-in-the-dumpster situation in The Apprentice Season One finale. It’s very amusing that Snowden is adding lip gloss during the conversation. Kim calls Iyanla to cancel their meeting. She tells Iyanla she’s too upset to talk. She wants Iyanla to tell Kim HER intention for wanting to meet. It doesn’t work, and they all go to Elixir Tonic & Teas to meet outdoors. Kim tells Iyanla she’s upset at the way she was attacked in the loft. She’s confused because all the women had told her the makeup was toned down the day before. It ruined her day with her kids. Iyanla narrates this is not a vacation, and tells Kim “YOU ruined your day.” OK, Iyanla tells her, you’re upset. Now what? Kim suggests she might leave the show. Iyanla presses, wanting to know what is next in her life, not the show. “You came here to heal a pattern of women dishonoring and disrespecting you. It can’t be everybody… 6 million people in the world and all the bad ones came into YOUR life?”

Sommer is trying to explain her tactics to Rhonda. She says she does not like confrontation and it’s safe within the group. She also wanted Iyanla to know the whole story when dealing with Kim. Rhonda wants to know why Sommer didn’t call her for advice and Sommer says that didn’t occur to her because Rhonda is her coach, not Kim’s. Rhonda narrates that Sommer is an expert evidence-builder. She tells Sommer that if she had called, she would have ended up speaking to Kim alone.

Back to Elixir, where Snowden is telling her mother she sees the relationship with Iyanla breaking up like all the others. Kim says she no longer trusts the process or the other women and wants to know why Iyanla keeps turning it around to Kim. “Because it’s your life. When is your life going to be about you?”

Rhonda is now telling Sommer she appreciates that Sommer tried to do something different besides people-pleasing. It’s a new approach but she violated Kim’s privacy to prove a point. Sommer protests that Kim would have been offended if Sommer had asked.

Iyanla bows to Kim’s courage to do the healing work publicly but that she can’t just do the parts she likes. Kim is feeling hopeless and wants to leave. Iyanla asks, “when you hit a pothole in the road, do you stop the car and go out and buy a new one?” They all giggle. She continues, “You say `Lord, I hope I don’t lose my hubcap’, and keep on driving.” She tells Kim she “awful-izes”, meaning she expects the worst and then acts as if it has already happened. Kim says that she thought it would stop when she stopped telling her “story”. Iyanla tells her she’s still trying to make up another story that doesn’t fit, and that Kim has a gift for fiction. “Why am I like that?” Kim wonders, and Iyanla assures her she is not the only “filtered” human being on the planet. Iyanla reminds Kim of what one of her daughters said, that she strives for perfection and misses all the goodies in the process. Kim reminds herself she has completed her assignments (well, mostly) and Iyanla tells her she has been vulnerable in front of her daughters, which is also good progress. Then she has Kim “take it in” by breathing really hard and invites the girls to “give your mama hug.”

Back to Sommer, who is telling Rhonda she does beat herself up for looking in Kim’s bag but did not want to accuse her. Rhonda says it would be asking, not accusing. She tries to get Sommer to understand that everything in the house relating to her is about her. Sommer thinks that’s way too self centered. She whispers that she doesn’t like it.

Josie, Sinae and Jen are getting ready to eat ion the kitchen when Kim and the girls return with fast food. Kim narrates that it’s bizarre how everyone has ganged up on her now that her daughters are here. She surmises they are feeling threatened or jealous. She and the girls eat outside on the lower patio. Josie hollers down and asks Kim if she’s angry. Kim says no and Josie yells “Are you sure?” Kim replies, “Positive. Have a great day. Thank you.” Chelsea comments on this and Kim says, “sometimes, ya fake it til ya make it.”

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