While the beaches of Florida have been hit by Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, the beaches of California were recently attacked by the six Surreal Life celebrities. Luckily for California, they will recover first; it’s unsure, though, whether Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen’s relationship will ever be repaired.
Jordan Knight is waking up to the honking he hears through the windows of the Winnebago, and he is somewhat upset about being left in these accommodations. You would think the guy that stacks boxes in doorways to keep people at bay would have appreciated the privacy. Now that he is awake, he figures, “If I’m not sleeping, they’re not sleeping,” and he enters the hotel pushing a maids cart. He walks down the hallway shouting, “Housekeeping,” in a shrill falsetto. As he gets Bridgette to finally open the door, he finds her in a tight white t-shirt and a g-string. She complains, being that she didn’t go to bed until six a.m. Once all six celebrities are sitting for breakfast, the Surreal Times arrives, and informs them that on the drive home, they will make a pit stop at a beach so that the lifeguards can sit, drink and “rub lotion on Bridgette.” This news thrills no one, but Bridgette.
Once all are in the Winnebago, an argument ensues over who will drive. Flavor Flav is still looking for his shot at the driver’s seat in the huge RV, but everyone is reluctant to allow this, especially Bridgette, knowing he has over sixty-seven driving suspensions, and Dave Coulier, knowing Flavor Flav learned to drive while stealing cars.
Flavor Flav is quite upset and insists, “I ain’t no child; I’ve been driving for nine years.” Jordan initially tells him that he and everyone else choose Dave to drive, as they’re not even sure if Flavor Flav has a license to drive. Later, Jordan admits to being worried, thinking that while driving, Flavor Flav would have been honking the horn, and trying to make friends with the people in the car next to him. Call me crazy, but I would have been more worried about him crashing and injuring himself or others.
Bridgette lovingly approaches and asks for Flavor Flav’s passport and license. Still reeling from knowing she spent her evening with Enrique, one of Charo’s backup dancers, Flavor Flav pushes her away. She knows he is hurt, and admits their relationship has changed since her time spent with Enrique.
Dave reiterates again, for the hard-of-thinking, “If you don’t have a license, you can’t drive.” Trying to illustrate she knows right from wrong, Bridgette explains, she already had two beers that morning, and won’t get behind the wheel as she’ll either get a ticket or cause an accident, and risk injuring someone. This is the most sane thing she has said since arriving in the house. Flavor Flav finally relents, but adds, “The whole crew is against” him, and that he knows this will be a “F’ed” up day.
Arriving at the beach, the six celebrities are met by the famous surfing Willis Brothers, who will be teaching them to surf. At this point I would have to say I would rather dress like a bag lady before I donned an outfit bearing my own name. But not the narcissistic Willis Brothers, as they are wearing matching scuba suits that have, “Willis Brothers” emblazoned across the chest.
I am reminded of Florida once again, but not of the hurricanes, of the “Shamu Experience” at Sea World. Going to that show once, I heard the whale’s trainer speaking in a voiceover behind video footage of himself and the whale saying, “The first time I met Shamu, our eyes met, and I knew I had a friend for life.” The Willis Brothers are speaking similarly with quotes such as, “All of you are legends … with a more complete circle you can see the future.” Even Dave, using his best Bill Murray in Caddyshack voice mocks them, saying, “Surfing is like the Dali Lama.” Bridgette plays along and says she is looking for “love waves”, as they’re the best waves you can get.
Ryan Starr thinks this is the best, saying, “How cool is that? I met a cute boy, and he taught me to surf!” However, Charo refuses to try it, The Willis Brothers even offer to stand her up on the board, and hold onto her, but she has her wrist wrapped up, and citing the onset of carpel tunnel syndrome, she’s afraid of what that would do to her career.
Flavor Flav is still having a bad day. He is still smarting over Bridgette’s relationship with Enrique, and watching her flirt with the Willis Brothers, he says, “She’s just loose.” Really, Flav? What makes you think that? He is hesitant to try surfing, but the Willis Brothers tell him if he makes “surf and rap come together in a harmonious conversion, it will make the world a better place.” I would’ve tried it as well at this point, but it would have been just to see what they are smoking out there, to keep making comments such as these.
Flavor Flav tells himself just to “curb the attitude, and get in the water.” He has a problem staying upright, and wipes out a few times, but eventually is able to stand up, hang on, and ride a wave for awhile,. When he is done, Jordan remarks that he stepped back onto the beach like Jesus. The Willis Brothers inspirational speeches are beginning to catch on here! As Bridgette tries to grab Flav’s hand and congratulate him, he pulls away, still smarting over his bad day. She remarks that everywhere they go, she gets a new boyfriend.
At the end of thd day, the Willis Brothers award everyone certificates and leis, or “lee-hays” as Flavor Flav calls them. He gets the prize as “Surfer of the Day”, and is awarded a special Surreal Life surf board, painted with all their faces.
Flav announces he wants to go roast some marshmallows, and all six celebrities are soon sitting around a warm fire. The conversation turns to love as Ryan is talking about her first love. Bridgette takes the opportunity to ask Flav if he loves her. He tells her yes, but the way he loves her is the way he loves everybody there in the Surreal Life house. She comes back with you can’t compare me to everybody, and he finally says, “I’m not IN love with you.” She says she’s now sitting there feeling like a loser, when just a few hours ago, she was gleefully explaining she finds a new boyfriend everywhere they go. He starts talking about everyone being against him, and she tells him he is making a big deal out of nothing. She later says he needs to open up his heart, and not his gold teeth.
It has never been clear where exactly Flavor Flav and Bridgette’s relationship was coming from. In some ways they seem like such different people, yet in a basic way, they are both looking for the same thing, to be loved. Flav is happy being loved just by Bridgette, but the past two shows have shown that she isn’t happy unless everyone loves her. This relationship was doomed to fail from the get-go, and it will be interesting to see what they do with it in the next few weeks.
I welcome questions and comments at LB53064@yahoo.com,