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First Night

(Saturday, 2nd October, 9pm –Midnight GMT)

Tonight’s show opened with a quick guide too Dover Castle and it’s haunted reputation. This proved to be even more cheesier than a Swiss made pizza. It had the clichés going for it, grainy black and white film footage, creepy music and a narrators voice that sounded more accustomed to voicing trailers on old VHS videos.

Now cut too our host for the night, Mr. Keith Chegwin (from here on in known under his old nickname Cheggars). He’s standing not too far from Dover Castle and above an open old spiral stair well. He introduces our first four celeb contestants separately and sends them down the stair well one by one into what used to be old WWII tunnels, the idea being that they meet up in an wartime barrack and make each other jump in the dark. The first four to enter are Colin Jackson, Jo Guest, Richard Blackwood and Faith Brown. (To be honest, I was hoping that Faith Brown would trip down the stair well after an impersonation of Cilla Black)
After the break the next four are introduced, Roy Walker, Nancy Sorrell, Tamara Beckwith and Ricardo Reibero. These four are sent down the stairwell and into an old WWII Triage room.

After the celebs start settling in our Cheggars tells us that the celebs don’t know yet that they will be spending the night together in the tunnels. The twist is that we get to vote on which one gets to sleep away from the main party. On hearing this I’m shouting “Ricardo, Ricardo” at the screen. I know it would be fun to hear this man scream like a girl all through night every time he heard a noise.

Ian Lawman, the shows in house medium, joins the first group in the barrack room. He straight away picks up on several spirits and a few minutes later Faith Brown jumps and gives off a little scream when she feels one of the bunks move unguided.

A little while later Lawman is now with group two in a darkened triage room. Here too he picks up on spirits. But those aren’t the only spirits that are picked up on. There is a strong smell of medicinal alcohol. A question pops into your hapless writers head immediately, can you get spirits of spirits, or has Cheggars been hitting the sauce again?
After a short break we find Nancy Sorrell being interviewed by Cheggars, during the break she had been overcome by emotions in the triage room and needed to come out. It doesn’t take too long before Cheggars kicks her back in again. I’m now shouting “Nancy, Nancy” at the screen for her to sleep alone. Yes, this show is bringing the sadistic side out in me.

A so called solo challenge is set up, so called because a member from each group doesn’t know the other will be doing it as well. The two who are to do this are Nancy Sorrell and Faith Brown. Each are placed at opposing ends of a short, darkened section of tunnel. They have to find the key too their dorm for the night, bare in mind that they haven’t been told yet they are sleeping in the tunnels.
After a few outbursts of screams on discovering each other, they are guided too where the key is by Cheggars.

Everyone else, in the mean time, have been brought together and sent too another darkened tunnel with Ian Lawman. It’ here that Cheggars tells the viewing public of the technical difficulties that the film crew have been having. Coincidentally enough we lose sound too the tunnel where the main group are, which means we have no idea of what’s being said down there. Cheggars has to fill the void with hapless waffle.
It’s here we get a chance to meet up with the UK’s Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling. He will being presenting I’m Famous And Frightened Extra during the daytimes. I just couldn’t but wonder what he had been doing with his hair. I’m sure he’d been standing in a wind tunnel for about half an hour.

We now move on too the final section of tonight’s show. The entire group, with medium Ian Lawman are now in another tunnel, they are sitting around a table and are about to do a séance. Lawman goes into a trance and soon picks up on a spirit by the name of Sergeant Jones, a 27 year old engineer from WWII. He describes bombs and bodies. It’s this point he something that will make the firmest spiritual believer become a sceptic, he mentions that he is also there because of a nuclear threat. And then when asked what his name is again he changes it too a Sergeant Harvey from the exact same period. Now, I’m sorry, but Nuclear warheads weren’t quite in use during 1942 and there certainly weren’t any pointing towards Dover Castle at the time. And what was the deal with the sudden name change?

Anyway, after another short break Cheggars is there with our celebs. He finally reveals too them that they are all sleeping together in a the tunnels together, all except one. He also reveals who the public have voted to do so. With a staggering majority of 54% of the vote it’s Ricardo. An entire nation must have heard me shout.

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