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Big lips and bigger dips…

We start off by seeing the girls driving around together after being picked to move on. They have to meet Miss Tyra, who’s waiting for them on top of a high-rise building. She looks oh-so good with the wind-blown tresses. She proceeds to tell the girls that they aren’t going to sleep tonight. They are on their way to Jamaica for their first photo shoot.

On the plane, Ann, the “tough” girl, breaks down and cries worse than Catie did all last season. She hates flying. I would like to remind her that she wants to be a MODEL. Models FLY. At least, she’s not trying to be a flight attendant. My God.

She cries for Eva. Ann has an unnatural attachment to Eva. It’s like this sister/friend/family/obsession thing. The rest of the girls are like…oh-kay, Ann.

Once they get to Jamaica, they meet Mr. Jay (Jay Manuel, the art director) and Ms. Jay (J. Alexander, the runway coach). They have to get into their swimsuits and work it on the rocks, overlooking the most gorgeous beach I’ve ever seen.

Some of the girls do well. Toccara did us girls with booty way proud. I give her big props (and, damn, I wish I had her rack!) The girl is all natural, all personality and she’s representing for us who’ve got some junk in our trunks.

Kelle, the self-professed ‘white girl with a tan’, went into hoochie mode. Okay? Where did that come from?

I’m not a modeling expert, but a few of the girls looked constipated.

Yaya knocked it out of the park. She’s beautiful, regal and smart. Plus everyone gets a kick out of her name. She takes it good naturedly enough.

Magdalena got booted based on the photo shoot. She didn’t even get to finish her Jamaican brunch. Don’t cry for her, Magdalena. She’s going to do well. She’s a nursing student with a great future ahead of her no matter what she does. Viva la raza, munequita!

Of course, they booted her because she ‘looked vacant’ behind her eyes. Well, I almost spit out my soda. The catty comments just about write themselves there, but, FOR ONCE, I will take the high road.

They get back to Nueva York and drive around. Ann tells everyone that she’s rooming with Eva and that’s final. Everyone’s like…whatever, but they don’t agree or disagree with her.

Their digs at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel are SWEET! The girls pick their beds and Ann is so pissed that she and Eva don’t have beds close together. She throws a hissy fit that does NOT endear her to anyone. Eva even tries to distance herself from that static.

The next day Ann confronts Eva. She’s all like, “You didn’t stick up for me.” Eva was like, “What do you mean? I’m not going to get upset over every little thing…”

Eventually, they make up and all is right with the world again (or is it?)

Kelle plays tour guide and talks about all the fancy shops she well, shops at and she makes a few off the cuff remarks that tick off Yaya, Toccara and some of the other girls.

When Tyra comes to dinner, the girls all talk about their flaws. It was so heartwarming and touching. I was inspired to hear Tyra tell us that a model has to project perfection and that modeling is a business of “smoke and mirrors.”

Each of the girls talked about their imperfections. Tyra has cellulite. I know. I know it’s shocking, y’all. I am sure America will remember where it was when Tyra admitted to this shameful secret.

What about Ann’s nose? It has a bump. OMG. And Yaya. Poor Yaya. She’s destined to have a complexion that is prone to blackouts. How can these poor young women endure?

Well Kelle says she hates her “MONKEY” lips. They look “PRIMITIVE!” Kelle is going to get the crap beaten out of her someday. She’s the most politically incorrect gal of the bunch. OMG. Tyra just stared at her for a minute then compared her to “Curious George.” I’m sure Tyra was making light of it, but …man, Kelle.

Toccara confronts Kelle who then proceeds to cry. Why doesn’t anyone like me? I’m not spoiled. Just because I’m wealthy and I shop at fancy stores and I have designer clothes…why am I so hated? Why doesn’t anyone realize I’m just like them, but classier and dressed better?

Amanda realizes Kelle has a good soul and comforts her.

Awww. It’s moments like these that make me want to get out my International Coffee (and ex-lax).

In the end, Leah was cut. Yes, Leah, the plain Jane with the Exorcist eyes.

However, I will note that Janice Dickinson’s lips can be spotted from the MOON. I knew she had plastic surgery during ANTM’s hiatus, but really. My God. Maybe Kelle should stop complaining ’bout her mouth…hmmmm.

—Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos. Don’t hate me because I’m critical. Just send me abusive emails at panndyra@yahoo.com. I like the abuse.

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