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GUG – Episode 6 — Let me COUNT the ways

Growing Up Gotti is like a sitcom, one of the better ones I’ve seen recently. Tonight’s episode centered around Mama Victoria’s dinner party. She wants to impress her boss at [b]STAR[/b] Magazine by serving him a meal fit for a king (or a don).

Her famous ‘last words’ are, ‘I hope everything will go smoothly!’ When does anything at [b]Casa Gotti[/b] go smoothly, hah?

Victoria figures a dinner party on Thursday night. As she says, “dinner is the most important meal of the day.” She recalls that her dad used to say that his ‘best business was done over a plate of cavatelli.’ My mother, who was born in Italy, would have to agree. That stuff is the shizz-nit. With a little [b]pomodoro[/b] (tomato) sauce and some cheese, you’ve got heaven on a plate.

Great! Now I’m hungry. Where was I?

Victoria figures she’ll make some Gotti Beef Wellington. How’s that for an Italian meal?!?

We cut immediately to the day of the party. Victoria has a major marathon meeting at work. She entrusts the dishes, glasses and grocery shopping to her assistant, Jen, and Jeff. Jeff is her driver, but I’m not sure if I’d want him operating heavy machinery. He’s out there.

In the morning, Victoria takes Jeff to the grocery store and orders a bunch of stuff for later. Jeff is supposed to complete her order so she can head off to work and get the glasses and dishes SHE TOLD HIM TO.

Well, fifteen phone calls to Victoria later, Jen still can’t get a straight answer out of Jeff. He keeps insisting that Victoria told him [i]nada[/i]. After Victoria is interrupted several times in her meeting and has pissed off the boss she’s trying to impress, she gets medieval with Jen and Jeff.

Meanwhile, Luigi the (not-so) handyman is working around the house. I think he’s got a great marketing plan. He’ll break everything so he’ll always have work. I had a mechanic like that once. If I tell you what I did to him…well…I’d have to…

Luigi is worse than Cliff Huxtable and my dad combined. That’s really a huge insult. Trust me. First off, Frankie asks him to help him put up a basketball hoop. Luigi gets all flustered. Prior to that, he was mucking something else up. John and Frank watch incredously as Luigi makes a mess of the hoop. It’s not pretty. Frank will be in college by the time Luigi builds the thing.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Jen are arguing. Jen is way too hard on Jeff because she ain’t no Mensa member herself. I swear she’s gotta ask Victoria before she makes any move. Victoria needs an assistant to handle her assistant, it seems. Jen’s nice and cute and young, but seems a little out of her league.

Jeff and Jen finally go to the mall, but it’s the wrong one. There’s no MIKASA there. Jeff still insists he doesn’t know which glasses to get. It’s almost 6pm and the party starts in less than 1 1/2 hours. Victoria’s getting frantic.

On top of that, her asparagus is lost. She only has about 1 lb. when she ordered 3. Jeff swears he doesn’t know what happened to it. Where’s Mr. Trump to say “you’re fired”?

Then, Frankie locks himself out of his room. Victoria’s like, I can’t deal with this, ask Luigi. YES LUIGI.

Luigi hacks a huge chunk off the door. He is sooooooooo getting me to call him next time I need a repair. Yeah, right!

The party is starting and Victoria’s still not dressed. A guest arrives (it’s the Private Investigator — Bill Stanton, I think was his name) in his sports car. Frankie decides to play valet and tries to drive off. Nice for a 14 year old.

Speaking of driving, celebrity publicist, Lizzie Grubman was there. (Remember she got into some hot water for running down people in her SUV a while back). What a random bunch Victoria hangs with!

Also in attendance are Victoria’s friends, a New York club comic, “GOOMBA” Jonny, Bonnie Fuller, the head of the STAR magazine and Victoria’s boss, Joe.

Don’t forget the ‘guest of honor’ — Count Luigi DeMarco from Rome. Yeah! Victoria gets the brilliant idea of classing up her handyman by making him a count.

Dinner goes off okay except that Victoria’s boss, who she was so desperately trying to impress, doesn’t eat meat. (Remember – her main dish was Beef Wellington!) Frankie and a friend also take off in the PI’s sports car again. The PI, who’s oh-so-very-observant, eventually notices them and freaks out, chasing after the boys.

Victoria is pissed at Frankie. At least Jeff thought it was funny. Jeff was now wearing a tux and pouring wine for Victoria’s guests.

Finally, the bosses leave and then…”Count” Luigi and the PI start doing Vodka shots. At one point, the PI says something to Luigi that doesn’t sit right with ‘his countliness’. He challenges the guy to a ‘duel to the death’.
Now, we’re talking.

He says they can use guns, knives or SWORDS (with the “W” not silent!). Everyone laughs and that upset Luigi more. He takes off to throw up in the bathroom. Afterwards, he goes back out to finish the basketball hoop in the dark with a huge bottle of wine.

Who knows, maybe he works better drunk and in the dark?

I can’t wait ’til next week.

—I can’t make this stuff up. Email me at panndyra@realityshack.com if you want to talk about Growing Up Gotti.

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