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Last Comic Standing 3 — Shall They Stay or Shall They Go?, Episode 3

Season 2 won the $50,000 again. I haven’t seen a contest this lop-sided since Mike Tyson fought PeeWee Herman. (Maybe that was a dream after some bad spaghetti!) Anyway, you get the drift. Season 2 is just b**ch-slapping Season 1 week after week. Even Ralphie joked about it by saying when the next round of competitions started, ‘there’s another $50,000 we won’t be getting.’ He’s a smart man.

Jay decided to make the comics sweat again. I swear he thinks he’s Ryan Seacrest and this is [b]Comic Idol[/b]. If so, I want a Simon Cowell. I would’ve loved to have seen him rip Bonnie McFarlane apart. The host with the receding hair line called out four comics. They were, from Season One, Tere Joyce and Sean Kent (see my interview with him right here on this site at the following link: http://www.realityshack.com/modules/articles/article.php?id=106).

Season Two’s picks were Corey Holcomb and Kathleen Madigan. Yes! I said KATHLEEN MADIGAN. I really think Americans are nutty sometimes, but…that’s just me. An American b**ching about other Americans. That’s the American way, right? So, Jay announces that one is leaving and one is staying. We won’t know until the end of the show. Bye-bye, Fantasia. (Oops! Wrong show — again!)

The rest of the comics go to the war room, which does indeed look like the Big Brother House, despite Jay’s sarcastic quip that it doesn’t. It does! It does! It does! I wonder if they used the same decorator. Hmmm? Where’s Tom from [b]Queer Eye for the Straight Guy[/b] when you need him?

The teams have to choose 4 comics FROM THEIR OWN TEAM to compete tonight. What a twist! Last time, they had to choose comics from the opposing team. I was so excited I almost dropped my pencil. I’m not sure if my heart can take all these twists and turns. (Spoiler for next week — Meet Todd Glass’ twin, Ted Glass. He’s a CPA!)

Ralphie wants to go so he can do some ‘real stand up comedy’ this time. Rich Vos says he should go too because their strategy is ‘likability.’ Okay! Rich? Rich Vos? Likeable? Sure, as much as his girlfriend, Bonnie McFarlane is! Alonzo & Tess are the spokespeople for their respective teams.

The line up for Season 2 was: Tammy Pescatelli, Gary Gulman, Jay London & Alonzo Bodden. Season 1’s line up included: Rich “The Don” Vos, Rob Cantrell, Ralphie May and Tess.

Alonzo went first. He was so funny. He just proved why he was a finalist in Season 2 and will go very far in this competition. The man’s set was solid. Here are some highlights:
–Why is the price the secret info when you’re buying a car?
–Car insurance…It’s the only thing you buy that you’re afraid to use. (Not sure ‘bout that. I’ve been afraid to use my EPT pregnancy tests, but that’s a different type of fear, right?)
–I have fantasies about burning down an insurance agency…just so they’ll have to file a claim.

Ralphie May was next. He thanked his fans for their kindness to him and his family at this difficult time. (His dad died from cancer the day before Season 3 started.) He was one funny m****r f****r. Here are some of his funnies:
–Toronto, Canada was so cold that I couldn’t find my nuts for 4 mos afterwards. It’s not like I had a visual on them or nothing, but you know what I mean.
–A hooker in Toronto asked me (with teeth chattering) if I wanted some oral. I replied, “Not from your chattering ass I don’t.”
–I’m not trying to be black. Black people are trying to be fat. Stay out of my stores.

Tammy Pescatelli talked about a real-life Reality show called [b]What the hell is wrong with you?[/b]. It would call people on the stupid things they do. The celebrity version would include people who let their kids spend the night with Michael Jackson and Donald Trump. If you have to ask why — Donald Trump, then…well…I can’t help you. Have you seen his hair? She closed by saying, “I don’t care. I don’t wanna be on the Apprentice.”

I love Tammy’s work but I’m afraid that she’s gonna be the one voted off because of the other strong players on her team. It’s not fair. It’s just not.

Okey-dokie. Tess was up next. She talked a bit about politics and marriage and dating. She’s the ‘rainbow coalition’ and admits that white men are ‘challenging’ because they always ‘want to take her hiking’. She quipped, “Do I look like I’ve been hiking lately?” Bye-bye Tessie. It’s been nice knowing ya. I predict she’ll be gone by the end of next week’s show.

Gary Gulman was up next. He looked so hot. Jeans fit him quite nicely. I know, I’m evil. Hey, Gary, call me! I had this dream the other night that we were eating the Halloween double-stuff Oreos with the orange-colored middles. (Boy! Have my fantasies changed since I hit 30 , got married and had two kids! God I’m old!)

I was also annoyed when Jay Mohr called Gary Gulman and Tess the ‘sexiest couple in comedy.’ Puh-lease.

Gary talked about how he lived at home with his parents until he was 26. It’s obviously a Boston thing. I lived at home until I was 28. I had to move to Austin with my son to afford a place of our own. The rents are too high. Ugh!

Anyway, here are some highlights from his act:
–If you’re 26 and waking up under Star Wars sheets, the “force is NOT with you.”
–My mother’s not familiar with e-mail. She asked me, “What time does e-mail get there?” I don’t know, when the e-mail man brings it.

Rob Cantrell was up next. He kept slipping in (not-so) subliminal messages asking people to vote for him. I would do it automatically — if he were FUNNY!

He did have a good quip about Ben Franklin being high, “I’m gonna fly this kite in a thunderstorm.” Makes sense to me, now! I would like to see Rob reenact Ben’s experiment during the next hurricane in Florida. What say you, Rob?

Hey, Rob, tell your ‘inner old man’ to help you write some jokes, huh!

Jay London was the next comic up. He must have a stylist now. He matched his overalls to his shirt this time. I love Jay, but his fashion sense is only eclipsed by Dog and his wife Beth on Dog, the Bounty Hunter.

Here are some of Jay’s best one-liners:
–I was going to file a lawsuit for impotency. My lawyer doesn’t want me to sue because it won’t STAND UP in court.
–I was traveling in a poor country. Even my pictures came back underdeveloped.
–I bought a book on hair loss. The pages keep falling out.
–I just did a made-for-tv dinner.
–Do they do comedy here? (Sometimes, I wonder that myself, Jay!)

Rich “The Don” Vos went last. He started off in his usual cocky way by ‘thanking’ all of his opening acts tonight. He went into a routine about how stupid people are. I felt myself getting stupider and stupider as I listened to him. How you like me now, Vos?
Some hightlights:
–I go into this record store and ask the clerk, “Do you have any Lenny Bruce?”. The kid replies, “I have Lenny Kravitz.” “Yah! Any Lenny will do.”
–Jared from Subway gets on my nerves. I hope he gains all the weight back.

He also flubbed his own act up. He said he loved people when he meant animals. Then, he chided himself, “That’s it. Screw up your own bit, stupid.” I am so upset that he took that shining moment of critique glory away from me. I wanted to say it. Waaaa!

His last line was a call back to Tess’ routine. He said, “I gotta get outta here. I gotta go hiking with Tess later.” I do like when a comic can use all the material around him. Rich is a good insult comic with a sharp wit. He’s also EGO-less.

I’d have voted for him, but, since it’s an election year, I’m boycotting all voting right now.

By the way, Tere Joyce & Corey Holcomb bid the competition [b]adieu[/b] this evening. We shall miss you greatly!

Okay! That’s it for my long-winded review. If you want to talk to me, email me at panndyra@yahoo.com. If you are an LCS comic from any season and want to have a pain-free interview, email me too! We’ll talk!

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