The only things I have ever seen Charo on are Love Boat and Hollywood Squares. That was what B-List celebrities did back then for exposure, appeared on Aaron Spelling shows and game shows. I have realized the past thirty years has risen the ante. You can’t just hang out on a cruise ship for a week with a bald-headed ex-Mary Tyler Moore star or play tic-tac-toe with an ex-Betwitched star, now you have to live in a house for two weeks with a comedian from Full House that hasn’t changed his schtick in twenty years and a 6’1 blonde ex of Sylvester Stallone. B-List celebrities had it easy back then.
Maria Rosario Pilar Martina Molina Buprestid, aka Charo, arrives at the Surreal House in an old convertible, telling us that she brought the hoochie-koochie to the USA. She holds the record for number of appearances on the Love Boat with 21. Apparently I was not the only one that noticed. She feels the house is decorated out of the 1940s. Walking around from room to room to find the best bounce-able bed, she finds the perfect one, yelling, “Ayi-ayi-ayi-ayi”. Or perhaps it was the Out of Order toilet making her yell. She also finds a small puppy and names him Cuchi.
William Dayton, aka Flavor Flav from Public Enemy, arrives and announces he used to have a huge drug problem, but now feels he is the greatest hypeman in the business. Flavor Flav thinks he has the mansion to himself, then comes upon Charo. He tells us, “I think I know her, but then I don’t.” The first thing Flavor Flav asks Charo is if she has real boobs. She tells him yes, that her mama has boobs out to here, and looks like a cow. Flavor Flav’s second thing he asks is if she is a gymnast, saying he wants to flip her around. She proudly tells him she has a 6’3″ husband to protect her.
Jordan Knight, after joining New Kids On The Block at the tender age of fourteen, was later singing Elton John songs in a hotel bar. Flavor Flav, now wearing a viking helmet, says that when he met Jordan, he “got scared, because I knew the face, but I didn’t know who he was.” Jordan recognizes Charo from the Love Boat. Again, I am not the only one.
Brigette Nielsen, who was married to Sylvester Stallone for eighteen months, before divorcing him for forty million dollars, claims she is now a star in Europe, and that she will be the boss in the house. Flavor Flav knows her, but wonders who she was. Jordan says she scared him because she is such a big woman. Brigette slaps Flavor Flav in the face with her pocketbook, and tells him to show her around. Charo feels they are like two fighting chickens back in Mexico. Brigette names the puppy Boogie.
Dave Coulier, the comedian who played Joey on Full House, arrives in an ice cream truck. He says his career on Full House was like a Brink’s truck backing up to his house every week. He is a single dad with a thirteen-year-old son. About Dave, Flavor Flav says he didn’t get an impression. After Flavor Flav then makes a comment about the Olsen twins, Dave says he hates it when people tell him how hot the twins are. He has known them since they were babies, and he wants to tell everyone to shut their yap about the girls.
Arriving in a Jeep, Ryan Starr was voted one of the “15 sexiest TV reality vixens” after appearing on the first season of American Idol. She hopes she won’t be on the show with any rude people or touchy-feely men. She is very excited to be in the house with Jordan as New Kids On The Block was her favorite. Flavor Flav says of Ryan, “I know her from somewhere, but oh well.” Charo, being hostess with the mostest, offers Ryan a tiny box of raisins. Ryan says her grandma loves Charo. Ryan names the puppy Fatso.
Out by the pool, Brigette asks Flavor Flav what is the significance of his two watches. She follows this by asking what time it is in Italy. After uttering a few words in Italian she notes that she knows either four or five languages. I can’t tell whether she said four or five, as apparently she hasn’t mastered the English language quite yet. Going to the bar, Brigette asks Charo to get her a Jack Daniels.
Charo sets to work trying to place everyone in beds, after picking the best private one out for herself. No one seems to need or want her help, though. There is only beds for four others, and no one wants to share. There is a bedroom with three beds, there is a huge bed out in the open, and the bed Charo has already chosen for herself. Everyone figures the three men are intended to sleep in the three-bed room. Realizing the couch room can be turned into a bedroom, both Ryan and Jordan choose this. After seeing that Jordan has already placed his stuff in the room, Ryan wonders what she will do, as she does not want to sleep with guys. After confirming with Charo that it is okay to move a bed into her room with her, Dave and Ryan move a bed out of the three-bed room into Charo’s room. Jordan sets to work putting boxes in the doorway to the couch room to make it more private for him.
As Brigette is holding the puppy while topless, Flavor Flav asks if she is breastfeeding him. She quickly leaves to “make a pee-pee.” Seeing her walking around naked, Charo notes that this is not, “Surreal Porno.” Daves says about Brigette, “She walks to the beat of a different drummer, and the drummer has no clothes on.” This is a good thing for Dave. I am thinking he will finally get some new schtick after twenty years.
Dave has brought with him a harmonica, sleep machine, a flashlight and binoculars. Flavor Flav tells him the binoculars will be good for checking out Brigette’s knockers. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think they’ll need the additional help of the binoculars. Dave says he doesn’t know anything about Flavor Flav. They are from completely different worlds, Dave being just a white boy from Detroit.
Brigette has now passed from the nakedness, to walking around in a thong, apron and chef’s hat. After Brigette says she doesn’t like Flavor Flav’s sense of humor, and wishes he would take his gold teeth out, he feels he can kill her rudeness with kindness.
Brigette lays down to take a nap with her tiny boxes of raisins. Flavor Flav pronounces she has jet lag, but Dave thinks it is more like booze lag. While she sleeps, Charo is trying to get Ryan to sing along to her guitar playing. Ryan thinks she could learn a lot from Charo. Dave, trying to cook out, tells Flavor Flav he needs some charcoal briquettes. As Flavor Flav is having a hard time pronouncing briquettes, Dave says he has had to learn two new languages in this house – Flavor Flav’s and Charo’s.
The first Surreal Times arrives on the front doorstep with the headline, “Six Degrees of Irritation.” This makes me wonder if Charo can be connected to Kevin Bacon by six degrees, since she has only appeared in Love Boat and Hollywood Squares. The paper also tells the housemates that the number one rule in the house is no smoking of any kind. Brigette thinks Americans are odd in this aspect, as you can’t smoke or walk around topless, but you are free to be violent. After it is noted in the paper that Charo has been on Love Boat twenty-one times, it helps Flavor Flav finally place her. The paper announces they will be dining outside tonight, poolside. Brigette thinks she may be sleeping then. Charo tells her she “be laid down all night.”
As Brigette is sleeping in her bed, the rest of the house is having a jam session, and Brigette sleeps through the whole thing. After dinner has begun poolside, Flavor Flav decides he will go resuscitate Brigette, as she needs to eat. After waking up, she does to join everyone poolside, but apparently she believes this to be a come-as-you-are party, arriving in her thong underwear and wrapped up in her satin comforter.
The houseguest’s “dessert” is their three male waiters turning into strippers. Brigette jumps up, drops her comforter, and joins right in. Charo is enjoying the stripping as well, but Ryan thinks it is very gross. Flavor Flav thinks Ryan is out of place here as she is the youngest, at twenty-one.
As everyone is turning in for the night, Brigette is upset at the distance between her and Ryan, saying, “I can’t feel her.” Charo is cleaning up Cuchi’s/Boogie’s/Fatso’s pee-pee for the third time, and I think the person that cleans up the pee-pee should get to choose the name. Flavor Flav is snoring, prompting Dave to say he sounds like the roto-ruter truck is backing up out of his head. He eventually retreats to his own suite in the walk-in closet with his sound machine.
I am left wondering how this group of six very different individuals will ever be pulled close enough for a tight bond. I think they just might need Julie McCoy and Gopher’s help.
I welcome all question and comments at LB53064@yahoo.com