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Assistant Finale – Finally

It’s the Assistant finale and I’m the happiest I’ve been since the show started. Each episode has about five funny minutes and they aren’t necessarily continuous. Andy starts out by saying he’s so happy to be rid of this burden. I guess steady work is bugging him, but who am I to judge?

He tells the camera that he had this weird dream, prophetic, perhaps. He was a giant eclair. I am no Miss Cleo, but I think I know what the dream means and it has NOTHING to do with the show. See eclairs are phallic symbols. Yes! I typed phallic…so, sue me…if you know what it means.

Anyway, the car that the winner gets rolls up to the house. Andy goes into his sales pitch. Yes! It’s a 2005 Scion GT with blah, blah, blah, blah engine and blah, blah, blah, blah (insert feature here). It was almost as cheesy as the car “commercials” the American Idol contestants are forced to do.

The car’s nice. Andy likey….he wants to keep it.

The Assistants actually have an assistant-like job tonight. They go with Andy to the Improv. He’s got a gig with his 80s band. They are NOT a cover band. They do original 80s style music. Andy has no hair and makeup person. He never asked his assistants to get one, but he was upset that they didn’t know. Maybe he does need Miss Cleo. The guy has issues, but I’ve said that before, haven’t I?

Fade to Melissa who talks about how being around Andy is ‘like walking on egg shells constantly’. Wow! That’s an understatement.

Andy isn’t prepped for the gig, of course. So, he asks his Assistants to come up with a song for him and his band ‘off the cuff.’ They come up with this song…called Ace Monster…It was baaaaaaaaaaaad, but Andy was like…I like it.

That is until he got onstage and his act went completely down south with the stupid song. He then blamed the assistants, of course. Mark tried to stand up for himself but Andy just dissed him.

Fade to Melissa in interview again and she was all like…”we were just doomed to fail.” Yah! Just getting that point, blondie? The whole show’s been one big set up to make y’all look like fools…

Segway into some flashback sequences of Melissa giggling and Mark double-dealing. Andy again says that he’s not crying about the show being over. He’s happy about it because he needs time to work on himself and his emotions. I’m not sure if there’s enough time in the world…

Then, there are some clips which highlight Andy’s many meltdowns. It was so nice reliving his melodramas. It reminded me of my teenage years.

Now, for the elimination ‘ceremony’. I think it was a cross between Joe Millionaire and the Bachelor. Andy rides in on a horse. He has trouble getting off the horse, of course. Melissa helps him undo his shoe so he can dismount. Andy looks at Mark and Melissa and stalls. He hasn’t decided yet.

He tells them that he was dealt twelve cards (the contestants) and all got were jokers. That was one of his better lines. I wonder if MTV wrote it.

The Assistant wins lots of cool prizes such as: a job with MTV, the Scion, a cell phone and a new wardrobe. I guess it’s worth it, hmmm?

In the end, Andy chooses Melissa. He says that she is the only one who put him first. In a way, he’s right. Oh well. It’s over. Bye-bye, Andy…I’ll miss you…NOT….


Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos. Yes, I am this cranky naturally. Email me at panndyra@yahoo.com if you want to make something of it.


Freelance writer, webmaster of realityshack.com, chief editor at applemagazine.com, contribtor to TechLife News and maketecheasier.com, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.