We’re back for another episode of TAR, a wonderful show that I just really got into this season. We start off this episode at the Sphinx, where the last pit stop was. Colin and Christie have a 7-hour head start on everyone else, or so they think. As soon as the words “7-hour lead” come out of their mouths, “some way to shorten lead to make race more interesting” comes out of my mouth.
So the racers have to go to the Great Pyramid and descend 350 feet into the depths of the earth to retreive their next clue. Colin and Christie hightail it to the Pyamid only to find that it’s closed until 6 AM, which is conveniently only 40 minutes before the next team has to leave. But the CCs are chipper, and after waiting until 6, they head down into the pits to find they have to head to the Karnak Temple in Luxor, Egypt, to find their next clue. Still plucky as ever, they move on towards the airport, thinking they can probably still catch an earlier flight and have a head start over the teams.
Mirna and Schmirna are the next team to leave. And Mirna goes on some rant about how the other teams are jealous of them or something, I dunno. I tune her out every time she starts talking, so there’s less of a chance I’ll put an axe through the TV. So they’re off, with Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim hot on their tails.
Now, if it’s one thing I’ve realized through watching episodes of TAR, it’s that Mirna is afraid of everything. Whine about this, whine about that, Charla can you do this? I’m afraid. Charla can you do that? I’m afraid. While Charla barrels through the tunnel that is a perfect size for her, Mirna complains. Brandon’s following them with his shirt off, and Mirna says she appreciates it. (Ooh, Phil, she’s cheating on you! Give her a penalty!) My response to that is…why can’t I see Nicole with her shirt off? <3 Nicole. Marshall and Lance are next to go, and they are like the tortoise vs. the hare.....slow and steady.....slower and steadier....slower......slower....but Marshall does the drop into the earth and back out again like a champ. I'm really rooting for Marshall and Lance at this point 'cause I think they're hilarious to watch. And they are underdogs because of Marshall's knees. So people are arriving at the airport at about this time. Colin and Christie have to take a charter plane with everyone else. Mirna/Schmirna, Brandon/Nicole, and Chip/Kim all arrive at the old airport and aren't sure if they're in the right place. Schmirna gets the bright idea to steal the cab of whoever arrives next to leave, but Colin decides to leave his bag in the trunk, thwarting their rude idea. We get to see that special brand of reality TV fighting, and Mirna complains that she's back in high school from all the bullying. (This is coming from the girl that primps herself before meeting Phil.) Kami and Karli are now out looking for the Great Pyramid, and somehow they can't find it. In the middle of the desert.....nothing around......and yet they still almost get lost trying to find a giant thing sticking out of the sand. ....*facepalm* After them come the plucky bowling moms, who despite having no money, are enthusiastically begging for cash, and manage to hit up some tourists for enough money. However, their taxi driver is almost stupid enough to make them dead last and on a very later plane.....but it turns out the flight has been delayed, so all 7 teams are on a level playing field. So everyone arrives in Luxor, and it's a taxi cab race to the temple! And it's Mirna and Schmirna in the lead, with the moms coming in a close second....and then Chip and Kim's driver breaks all kinds of crazy laws to put them way out in front. (I think Chip and Kim have gotten all the crazy fast drivers so far.) They reach the Karnak Temple, and are confused as to where to find tickets. The twins locate it first, and then everyone piles on after them. Colin elbows Mirna in the face, and Mirna's response is that he's jealous of her. (Jealousy Count: 2) Inside is a Detour! Herd It or Haul It. The teams either have to herd sheep into a little boat, or haul water on a donkey. I see herding sheep and think "sheesh, that looks way hard." I see hauling water, and I think "teams would be crazy not to pick this." Only 2 teams choose the water, obviously. Of course, I can see the rationale in Marshall and Lance choosing the sheep because of less walking. But the others.....eh. Whatever works! On a side note, Chip makes me roll over laughing with his "riding a Fushu* to a Meshu* and taking a Dushu*...I don't know anything in this language!" (*not exactly what he said, but you get the point) Colin and Christie and Brandon and Nicole are the waterhaulers. Colin and Christie work without arguing (for once!) and Nicole tries to castrate Brandon by methods of donkey. "I want to have kids!" he cries, and she laughs at him. Needless to say, my observation of the water thing being quicker is right, as the two teams finish and head on their way to the next stop...the Habu Temple! So Chip kicks butt hauling in the sheep and goats, as do Linda and Karen and Kami and Karli. And what does Mirna do? Complain. Schmirna lets a sheep go, and Mirna is saying this is too tiring. Every time I see Mirna, I want to think that she's cute.....but then she opens her mouth. So I stick to looking at Nicole. Anyway, long story short, Charla and Mirna get the goats on the boat and get going long before Marshall and Lance work their way to the boats. I'm really feeling for the poor guys at this point. Once arriving at the Habu Temple, Colin and Christie discover a Roadblock.....Dig For Stone Scarab. Colin volunteers and as he's running to the dig site, he says "What's a scarab? A sword?" ....*facepalm #2* But then Brandon doesn't know what one is either.....and I just shake my head. Haven't these people seen The Mummy at least? Come on. Chip and Kim arrive shortly thereafter, and Colin, Brandon, and Kim are digging like there's no tomorrow. Colin comes up with the scarab, and shows Brandon and Kim, and then CC split like a banana to the next pit stop, which is on Crocodile Island in the Nile River. After CC leave, Kami and Karli, Mirna and Schmirna, and Linda and Karen show up, but not necessarily in that order. And it's a race to see who can dig the fastest. Kim comes up with the scarab, and hides it from the others who don't know what one is....Schmirna exclaims "It's..it's like a rock!" to help encourage Mirna to dig faster. The twins discover the next one, and Brandon finds the one after that, leaving Mirna and Linda (or Karen? I don't know the moms apart) digging in the site. Mirna is complaining some more, but this time Linda is outcomplaining her! Finally Mirna discovers her scarab, and it's just the moms digging. We're treated to watching Colin and Christie arrive first, yet again, and they win a vacation trip to somewhere that I can't remember. Chip and Kim come in second, followed by Kami and Karli in third, Brandon and Nicole in fourth, and Mirna and Schmirna in fifth. All the while, as they're finishing, we watch Linda complaining while digging that she can't find the scarab. And I am just laughing to myself because I presume it's under that big mound of sand that's now in the middle of her dig site. Marshall and Lance are plodding along, slowly but steadily, and we are treated to a shot of them arriving near dark, and Linda still digging, until finally she finds the scarab and the moms are off to the Nile and to Crocodile Island, coming in sixth place. Not bad for not having any money and being dead last. Marshall and Lance are now the losers. *sad face* Lance digs for a while, then counts the other dig sites and sees that six have already been dug, and just decides to give up. Phil comes out to them, and says it's the first time a team has been physically unable to complete a leg. Marshall's knees are killing him, and the fat Jewish brothers that can change a tire are eliminated. Next week....uhhh, well, my tape ended a bit early so I missed the preview....but I can fill in blanks. Mirna and Schmirna complain and/or fight with somebody. Brandon and Nicole say how great the other person is, and Colin and Christie are hot-headed at somebody or each other. Sound good? Yeah, me too. That's all from me for now! This is my first official column/recap, so go easy on me. Any comments/complaints/questions, hit me up at email@example.com. And toodles!