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What's Hot On TV Tonight – Cable Delivers Tonight!

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Thank you cable and reality TV for giving us summers filled with non-reruns. Not only do we have I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here, The Bachelorette, and Here Come the Newlyweds tonight, we have premieres of shows returning and debuting on cable, such as The Closer, Raising the Bar, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List, Weeds, and Nurse Jackie. They join Jon & Kate Plus 8, Intervention, Obsessed, and 4th and Long which all started within the last few weeks. Having watched previews for a few of these, I think this will all do just fine until September.

1. Regis and Kelly. Mark Consuelos is guest cohost, and Wilmer Valderama and Imagination Movers are the guests. Syndicated, check local listings.

2. Taps. Not only is this Tom Cruise’s first movie, look at the other names here, Timothy Hutton, George C. Scott, and Sean Penn. They’re all part of a military academy that developers are threatening to close. 11:30 AM CT Retro

3. The Terminator. It’s the original, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton. And after this, he’ll be back. 2:30 PM CT Indie

4. Herbie: Fully Loaded. It’s a starring role for Lindsay Lohan before she became nothing more than a gossip headline, and a late sequel to the early Herbie movies. 4:00 PM CT Disney XD

5. I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! Is Speidi back in or not? It felt a little unresolved on Thursday when we didn’t hear anything from or about them. 7:00 PM CT NBC

6. The Bachelorette. Jillian goes to her hometown already with still sixeen guys to wade through. Everyone takes off for Vancouver, where there will be a group date that goes curling, another on a sunset boat ride, and a date with one staying and one going. She hears that three of the guys might have girlfriends, and she cancels the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. The numbers in the write-up for this were wrong, so it’s possible the cancelled party isn’t until next week. 7:00 PM CT ABC

7. Greek. Rusty and Ashleigh work towards the win, and Casey and Cappie try to avoid one another, during the Homecoming float competition. Evan finds out he might lose his trust fund, and Ashleigh find out a secret of Fisher’s. 7:00 PM CT ABC Family

8. Law & Order: Criminal Intent. When a murdered celebrity doctor turns up, Goren and Earnes investigate. 8:00 PM CT NBC

9. The Closer. In the season premiere, Branda and the rest work on solving the case of four family members found murdered execution style. See my early review of this episode. 8:00 PM CT TNT

10. Intervention. Anorexia is the addition handled tonight 8:00 PM CT A&E

11. Jon & Kate Plus 8. Emeril Lagasse visits to give everyone cooking lessons. Really? I think they have far more problems than lack of cooking skills. 8:00 PM CT TLC

9. Dateline NBC. The story of three feuding neighbors and their unfolding drama is showcased. 9:00 PM CT NBC

10. Here Come the Newlyweds. They seven couples that are left get sex tips from a tantric instructor and test their skills in communicating when the men give descriptions of tools to the wives over the phone. Last week Dr. Ruth, this week tantric? 9:00 PM CT ABC

11. Raising the Bar. Jerry defends a barber accused of allowing his nephew to sell drugs out of his shop, Roz starts working cases again, and Bobbi’s divorce case gets underway. See my early review of this episode, along with another. 9:00 PM CT TNT

12. 4th and Long. The guys work on skills for red-zone and two-minute drills. Former Cowboy Darren Woodson makes an appearance. 9:00 PM CT Spike TV

13. Obsessed. On tonight’s show, we have a woman washing her herself obsessively, threatening her marriage, and a man with constant fears of death and aging. 9:00 PM CT A&E

14. Kathy Griffin: My Life On the D-List. It’s another season premiere on cable with Katy working on moving higher than the D-list. She gets to Grammy headquarters and tries to bribe then into giving her a statuette. She then heads to Vegas and meets Bette Midler, and ends up with a cameo in her stage show, after she learns the choreography. 9:00 PM CT Bravo

15. Weeds. Another season premiere, with Nancy pondering her fate and her relationship with Estaban. Celia’s daughter finds out there’s not much interest or money in holding her mom hostage. Doug and Sila consider a drug business partnership. 9:00 PM CT Showtime East

16. Nurse Jackie. This series premiere stars Edie Falco as an ER nurse in NYC trying to juggle patients, coworkers, and her own demons, such as a substance abuse problem. She tries to hide that addiction tonight while dealing with a patient’s death. 9:30 PM CT Showtime East

17. Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien. Conan starts his second week with guests David Duchovny and Ann Friel. 10:35 PM CT NBC