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Reality-itis Can Be Fatal

Yes, researchers at the Mark Burnett (not that Mark Burnett) Institute for TV Related Disorders and Ways to Mess with the Media have discovered a new, potentially fatal condition called Reality-itis.

“We suspect that millions upon millions of people worldwide are struggling with this disease. It robs them of their lives and so much more,” Jeff Probe, the center’s director, announced today at a press conference.

Symptoms of this condition include:

= blathering on like an idiot
= fear of sitcoms and dramas
= depression during the off-seasons of Survivor, American Idol, Bachelor/ette and/or America’s Next Top Model (this last one is reserved for those who have the disease in the most extreme measures).
= an ability to understand Randy Jackson when he speaks
= extreme irritability when America votes off your favorite contestant (like Latoya or Jay London {no relation}, Jennifer Hudson, Rupert Boneham or any other reality tv fave)

Do you suspect that you have this condition? If so, take the following quiz: (Answer yes or no to the questions)

1) Do you remember the names of the last three Bachelor’s?
2) For men – Do you style your hair like Ryan Seacrest?
3) Have you ever had nightmares with a naked Richard Hatch?
4) Do you know the difference between Average Joe, Joe Schmo, Joe Millionaire and For Love or Money?
5) For women – Do you wish that your husband proposed to you like Boston Rob did to Amber?
6) Did you believe for a second that Johnny Fairplay’s grandma was dead?
7) Have you ever craved a cockroach, rat or maggot?
8) Have you ever eaten a cockroach, rat or maggot just because? (Childhood doesn’t count)
9) Have you voted for any contestant on American Idol, Last Comic Standing or any other show MORE THAN ONCE?
10) Can you name the hosts of Amazing Race, Big Brother and The Bachelor?

If you’ve answered yes to 3-5 questions, then you have a mild case of reality-itis. Watch three sitcoms a week, take an advil and some pepto-bismol. You’ll be fine.

If you’ve answered yes to 6-8 questions, your case is moderate. You must go out at least once a week and NOT to a friend’s house to watch your favorite show. You will also need to watch a high stakes drama like CSI: Arkansas or Law & Order: Jaywalking at least twice a month. If your symptoms persist, you may need to skip a season of Survivor or American Idol.

Now, if you answered yes to 9-10 questions, your treatment is quite severe. You will need to become a Reality TV contestant. Sorry, but that’s the only known cure.


Freelance writer, webmaster of realityshack.com, chief editor at applemagazine.com, contribtor to TechLife News and maketecheasier.com, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.