The finals were tonight. Jay London went up first. He seems really touched and a little bit overwhelmed by all of the love and attention he’s receiving as a result of the show. He did his usual one-liners. Here are some of the highlights:
=You look at me like I’m on the Discovery Channel
=Pardon my appearance. I’m under renovation.
=May is mental health month, but I got an extension.
=I don’t have to worry about identity theft. No one wants to be me.
Gary Gulman was up next. He still looked hot, despite the taupe suite he must have left over from his accountant days in Boston. He was also very funny and I’m not just saying that ‘cuz he’s cute. I would never do that. Never. Besides, Gary said that winning LCS would be “the coolest thing that ever happened to him in his whole life.” Here are some of his highlights:
=The worst part of the 9-5 is the 9.
=Nine minutes is not a snooze. 90 minutes is a snooze.
=Remember the brown paper towels from Elementary School? You’d start out with a runny nose and end up with a bloody one.
=Why are there so many ads for milk? Who are they targeting? People unaware of milk?
=Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without the sugar is a cracker.
Third was John Heffron. I didn’t feel that he gave us his best set. I’ve seen him funnier. Much. He did mention that winning LCS would be so cool “because you’d have bragging rights.” Ain’t that the truth, Mr. Heffron. I loved it when he talked about bars for people his (and my) age. Roller rinks with alcohol. Remember the 80s and roller rinks.
Instead of the ‘all-skate’ you could have the recently divorced and bitter skate. Hmmm…Been there…
“When women go out to bars, they’re like the Marines. No one gets left behind… Men are different. They’re like, ‘hey buddy, I might be getting laid tonight, you’re walking…”
Kathleen Madigan was the only comic not to be challenged throughout the competition so she finally got a chance to perform in front of the audience. She said that highlight of winning would be a chance to get on the “Today Show ‘cuz I’ve always wanted to meet Willard Scott.”
=her analogy of Canada as the US’ attic. Yup. She went there.
=discussion of how kids today NEED to take the SATs.
=Her brother, the stockbroker, asking her how she’s planning for her future and her reply of “Well, I’m learning to write with my other hand in case I have a stroke.”
She also compared alien abduction to fishing and mentioned that John Kerry’s secret weapon is his wife, Teresa “because she controls all the ketchup.” That may be a good strategy. She should phone it in to the Kerry camp.
Tammy Pescatelli had a good set. She did mention that she wants the LCS title so that she can take her ‘career to the next level to help out her family.’ Tammy is all about family and her heritage. She talked about why there are no Sicilians on Survivor. (If I have to explain it, then you don’t know Sicilian stereotypes, k?)
She mentioned that her dad was concerned her sister-in-law would sue her for calling her a “whore”. Then, Tammy pointed out that well, ‘her sister-in-law would have to prove she wasn’t one and that ain’t gonna happen.’ I bet seating arrangements are fun during the holiday season. Makes me think of a family dinner at my house (or Victoria Gotti’s)
She also capped on Janet Jackson’s SuperBowl “wardrobe malfunction”. I did love these two jokes the most, though:
1) I’m a female comedian. How good-looking do I have to be? Who set the bar? Roseanne and Paula Poundstone. (She’s got a point!)
2) Paris Hilton. I’m so proud of her. She’s breaking down barriers. She proves you don’t have to be poor to be “white trash.” (No comment here!)
The final finalist was Alonzo Bodden. He was sharp, quick and dead-on. His writing is crisp, clear and very, very funny. He wants to win this because “it’s validation of his career.” He wanted to own the room, destroy the room. I think he came pretty gosh darn close.
On Iraqi oil: You don’t take over something and NOT use it. Ever seen a carjacker walk?
Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against immigration. Hey, Arnold! You’re not exactly from around here.
Anyway, that’s the recap. Make sure you vote, vote and vote for your favorite comedian and watch Last Comic Standing on Thursday for the results show @ 9pm EST/8pm CST. Or, just read my next recap here!