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Not-Lesbians Do Sex: Jersey Shore, S4, Ep7

Even when there’s no drama in the house, there’s lots to complain about and butt into. On the way to work, JWoWW and SloppyRon lecture Snooki about her relationship. They’re worried about her because of Jianni. Blah blah blah. Snooki simply does not want to work because she doesn’t like working at all. Outside, SloppyRon gets on the bullhorn and shouts out to girls. DJP does that much better than he does. The girls have a bite to eat and discuss how excited they are to go on a road trip to Riccioni, where their boss has lost many pieces of his brain, which means, according to SloppyRon, it’s gotta be a great place.

The boss gives them all a fifteen minute break—which does not include the time they took to eat—to go shopping down the street. Twenty-five minutes later, the boss comes to find them and drag them back to work. They don’t care about work. They care about finding outfits for their trip. When they go back, they pick up about eight pizzas to take home. Is that like a pizza for each of the roommates plus extra?

At home, Snooki calls Jianni and he asks what’s going on because she was rude on the phone last night. Snooki says everyone says Jianni was being rude to her and the roommates because he cursed at SloppyRon on the phone. He says he was trying to help Snooki and SloppyRon got on the phone. Then he says he’s not coming to Italy and hangs up. She thinks he’s a douchebag. She’s happy she’s going on vacation—a vacation from her vacation.

All the girls and Sitch pack more than one bag for a 24 hour trip. They are going to a beach-town. That means bathing suits. Why do you need so many bags? Even three bathing suits for options don’t take up that much room. They tie down the luggage to the tops of their two Fiats and then cram themselves inside with the extra bags. SloppyRon follows my exact logic about not needing that many bags—I am scared that we have the same thought process on this.

I’m skipping the car rides because they are a waste of time. They arrive at a hotel that overlooks the water and the boardwalk. It’s gorgeous, of course. The boys go out to call at people on the boardwalk and find Sitch’s Italian doppelganger. The girls lotion up and go to the beach, where it looks really windy. They decide to get drunk, so they do shots and talk about vaginas loudly.

Oh my God. I just realized how old I actually am. Deena says, We want to get wasted. Snooki says, We want to get drunk. In my mind, I’m saying, Now why would anyone want to do that on purpose? I swear, I used to go out and chug whatever someone gave me for the sole purpose of being trasshhhhhed. What’s happened to me? Or maybe it’s a good thing I don’t do that anymore, considering my professorship and all.

Anyway, the bartender looks on inquisitively and a passerby, whom they asked for the Italian word for vagina, tells them they are too vulgar. That could be good advice if it didn’t come from a guy who looks like he belongs in a detective noir film.

Meanwhile, the boys are sitting at a table to get food and checking out the large naked old women and the old men walking by in Speedos.

The girls leave the bar to shop. Drunk. Deena and Snooki spend a whole lot of money that they may or may not want to spend on stuff they may or may not want because they are so drunk. JWoWW and SloppySam have had enough of the drunken meatballs, so they walk way ahead of the other girls. The drunken meatballs catch on and try to catch up but then get distracted by thump thump thump thump. There’s music to dance to! They gallivant away to find the source of music while the other two girls go to shower and get ready for dinner.

Deena and Snooki jump up on the amps and dance around. Then the boys arrive, all dressed for dinner. They tell the girls to go get ready for dinner because it’s 7:30 and dinner is at 9:30. Whoa—first off, dinner at 9:30? That’s very close to bedtime. Secondly, Italy is very deceiving because the sun is blaring and it’s late. Maybe that’s why the girls didn’t realize the time. More likely, however, they’re simply too drunk to realize or care. Deena thinks they have plenty of time.

The boys sit off to the side and have some drinks. Deena waves a napkin at Snooki and Snooki runs through it as if she’s a bull and then she flies face first into a bush because she can’t stop. She climbs out of the bush ass-first. This does not stop them from dancing more. Eventually, Deena’s bikini bottom falls off from under her dress. At that point, the boys leave.

The boys arrive at the restaurant where Vincenzo sees some crabs and lobsters in a tank and calls them dinosaurs because he’s never seen crustaceans before. JWoWW and SloppySam come to the restaurant, half-convinced that Snooki and Deena are going to be abducted. So, what they’re saying is that their drunk friends could be abducted so they left them alone so they wouldn’t have to deal with said abduction. Ah, friendship. I know it sucks to take care of drunk people, but leaving them alone in a foreign country? Seriously, have you seen what’s going on in Aruba?

Somewhere on a curb, Deena and Snooki decide to go to the hotel to change into dinner-appropriate attire.

Back at the restaurant, the rest of the roommates order and eat their dinner, straight through to dessert. When they pay the bill, Deena and Snooki arrive to eat. Then everyone waits for them to eat before going to the club. They should not have waited. They should have told them to meet up later at the club or to grab something on the way over.

Finally, it’s time to go to the club. They find some taxis. On the way there, Deena slurs so badly that what she’s saying is indecipherable. JWoWW thinks this is more like the cab ride back home from the club, not the one on the way there. Yes, yes it is. SloppySam suggests Deena go back to the hotel. I think Deena disagrees. Then again, she could be talking about Magellan for all I know.

Snooki is annoyed that JWoWW is acting like a mom. JWoWW is annoyed that she has to play the role of the mom. Sitch makes out with some girl who might be a guy in drag. The girls dance against a glass wall and then JWoWW sees the reflection and realizes that Deena has no underwear on and everyone can see whenever she squats down. Deena gets annoyed when JWoWW tells her about it.

Okay, we now have a new sloppy couple. Congratulations, RonRon and SamSam, no longer the Sloppy duo. Now we’ve got SloppySnooki and SloppyDeena.

Oh, man, I just inadvertently sat through one of those energy shot commercials that feature the Jersey kids. I think it’s safe to say that acting is not in their future. How they are even spokespeople, I don’t know.

But back to the dance floor, where SloppySnooki and SloppyDeena are humping each other. Oh, and now they’re making out. Yeay! More lesbian fun! Everyone is confused and a little grossed out. When it’s time to go home, SloppyDeena and SloppySnooki fall all over the place, make it to the cabs, and then make out some more, all the while JWoWW complains about being the mom. SamSam indicates that they’ve been making out for three hours and thinks she doesn’t even make out this long with RonRon.

They’re still together, right? Or not? I can’t keep up.

At home, SloppyDeena and SloppySnooki stumble around until they find a bed and a blanket and climb in.

The next morning, RonRon is waking everyone up the way DJP does. DJP calls this “swacking,” meaning stealing his swagger by copying what he does and says. It’s kind of hard not to copy what he says when there are t-shirts that say what he says all over the place. At the restaurant for breakfast, the boys decide that RonRon is a big swacker and he’s all about stealing DJP’s swag. But really, who cares?

JWoWW and SamSam decide to go shopping while the other two girls sleep off their drunken stupor. JWoWW and SamSam try to forget what happened the night before by going over it in every excruciating detail.

The boys are also talking about SloppyDeena and SloppySnooki. They think SloppyDeena is not over her bi-curious stage as she said she was the last time she made out with a girl. RonRon is now on Jianni’s side; he can understand why Jianni gets mad at SloppySnooki when she gets drunk.

That’s a good friend for ya. RonRon was all concerned about SloppySnooki’s well being and basically told her to break up with her boyfriend, but now he’s embarrassed and on Jianni’s side just because she made out with a girl. Why is everyone so wrapped up in that relationship anyway? Find something new to talk about. They think that the relationship is over now that SloppySnooki made out with anyone. Sitch would definitely break up with her over it.

After the roommates enjoy the beach and the town for a few more hours, they arrive back at the hotel to find SloppySnooki and SloppyDeena still sleeping. SloppyDeena climbs out of bed, looking for food, and Vincenzo thinks she ate enough last night. She had no idea what that means.

SloppySnooki does not remember the club last night. SloppyDeena doesn’t remember anything after dinner. They don’t remember making out but everyone is saying they did. SloppyDeena does not remembering doing sex. Even when she’s blacked out, she usually remembers doing sex. JWoWW and SamSam explain how SloppyDeena showed everyone at the club her vagina and how the two of them made out all night and then dry humped each other for a while. The two sloppy girls do not remember a thing. Or they claim to not remember. Still, with the size they are and the amount they drank, they most likely really do not remember.

All the roommates pack their bags on the Fiats and drive home—SloppySnooki drives with her parking brake on for quite some time. Other than that, they arrive home.

SloppySnooki calls Jianni first thing and everyone listens in. She tells him that she has to tell him something after asking if he’s done being mad at her. He says he wasn’t mad. She explains that she and SloppyDeena got really drunk and ended up doing stuff, like making out and that’s it pretty much and it was intense. Jianni asks if that’s all she did. She says yeah. He says, All right, as long as she knows she was good.

He partly sounds like a douche—as long as you know you were good. What the hell is that? But he partly sounds like a guy who enjoys lesbian action. You know he wouldn’t have been that calm if she’d made out with a dude. But with a chick? Sure, fine.

At bedtime, SamSam and RonRon crawl into the smashroom. So they are together. Right?

The next day, SloppySnooki, SloppyDeena, and Sitch have to go to work. SloppySnooki and SloppyDeena are still hung over so instead of working, they find different ways to enjoy themselves like climbing under recycling bins. Meanwhile, Sitch restocks the refrigerator. Really, he actually works. After restocking, he dries off all the food trays. In between, he attempts to learn Italian. Huh, how ‘bout that?

After work, SloppyDeena and SloppySnooki decide to get back into their routine. They change to go to the gym. They complain about how everyone drives. They dodge around scooters and taxis. They think it’s chaos, worse than New York City. A few times, SloppySnooki lays on her horn as SloppyDeena grabs the roof.

BTW: I have no idea who’s in the seat behind SloopyDeena, obviously someone who should not be seen but can’t help but be jostled by the driving.

Then, omigod, boom. SloppySnooki bumps into a police car. Her front side into the back and side of a car, really. A little bit more than a side swipe. It does not look that serious.

The police office asks for her license and she doesn’t have it. It’s at home. SloppyDeena calls the guys at home to tell them to bring SloppySnooki’s license to the scene. Vincenzo and the boys climb into the other car to dash over to them.

SloppySnooki starts having a panic attack as the EMTs arrive with stretchers. SloppyDeena asks, Stretchers, really? I concur, but then again, I don’t know what the rules are for an accident in Italy nor do I know exactly how hard they hit. SloppySnooki takes a breathalyzer. Then when the cop tries to get her out of her car, she starts crying and saying no, she doesn’t want to go into the back of a cop car.

So by that logic, the only thing people have to do to get out of being in trouble is to tell the police that they don’t want to go with them. Gotcha.

And so we end with SloppySnooki and SloppyDeena being piled into and taken away in a police car while the boys are pulling up with all the necessary documents. What a cliffhanger!

That really isn’t much of a cliffhanger being that the scenes from next week show SloppySnooki getting down at a club with her boyfriend. Way to be, MTV, way. to. be.



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