|You know how much I did not want to watch this show this week? I sat down and graded papers for a few hours straight. Yeah, that’s right. I chose grading developmental writing papers over watching Jersey Shore. Maybe it’s some lingering aversion to having to watch the SloppyCouple and the Troublemaking Sitch Snitch. Ugh.
Anyway, Sitch is on the pigeon porch, complaining to himself that his head hurts. Well, that’s what happens when you bash your own head into a concrete wall, you jackass! :bang: :bang: :bang:
Ooh, I’m feisty today.
He complains about everything he can’t do. He moans. Literally. He walks around moaning more.
SloppyRon hovers over SloppySam’s bed as she sleeps to tell her that he loves her no matter what and to see if she wants to talk. She agrees to talking.
Does anyone else want to jump through the screen and throttle the two of them?
Sitch walks and moans more. Then he sits and moans. DJP asks if he slept well and Sitch says no. DJP thinks he’s milking it, wasting his time in Italy. Cut to DJP in Sitch’s neck brace in the confessional with Vincenzo running around behind him, taunting: Can you see me? Over here! And DJP can’t move his neck of course. Kinda funny. Oh, those Jersey kids and their teasing.
Meanwhile, Sitch complains to his sister on the phone that he ran into a wall and his head hurts and he wants to go home. She tells him it’s a crazy move and he’ll feel better soon. He agrees but then moans more.
The gang heads out to the laundry place. The girls drag their luggage to a restaurant. They talk about how scary the fight was. Snooki thinks that Sitch won’t talk sh*t for a week because of the fight. JWoWW thinks he’s milking it because it’s all self-inflicted injury. The girls are happy that they aren’t fighting amongst themselves.
Back at the house, Sitch mopes at the phone and wants to go home. SloppyRon takes him out to the pigeon porch to talk it out. Sitch complains that he can’t do anything. SloppyRon says that he’s there for him because he’s been in Sitch’s place before. Sitch cries. SloppyRon says, Let it out, bro…be real. Sitch is hurt because he can’t do anything for himself.
Dude. It’s a neck brace! You can do almost anything. Including moping and moaning.
SloppyRon suggests Sitch mend any bridges that he burns. Sitch repeats that he ran himself into a concrete wall. This conversation somehow makes him want to stay in the house. SloppyRon tells him again that Sitch can come to him to talk. Sitch takes off the brace to man up. Showing that he didn’t really need to wear it in the first place. SloppyRon points out a wall in the house that’s sheet rock and then does his SloppyRon laugh through the house.
The girls drag their luggage through the streets. Some priest tells Snooki to cover her body up as she walks near the church. She tells him to shove it. JWoWW says God didn’t make her body. Okay, now that’s comedy right there. She’s got jokes. They arrive home.
Snooki calls Jianni to tell him he’s the best guy she’s ever met and she wants to touch his butt. He says she’s so stupid. She says that’s just her and she’s trying to change and she’s sorry. She pees her pants in public and she doesn’t get embarrassed while Jianni gets embarrassed by her. She tells him not to come visit if he’s going to be like that. She hangs up on him because she’s annoyed.
Out on the pigeon porch, Snooki asks SloppyRon for relationship advice. I need to repeat that: Snooki asks SloppyRon for relationship advice. She asks the guy in the house whose last relationship lasted about twenty-four hours for advice about relationships. Anyway, she complains that Jianni doesn’t like it when she says she wants to hump him and when she screams SHOTS! in a bar. He tells her not to change herself for someone else and no one should be in a relationship where they have to walk on eggshells. Then they laugh about where they would put Nutella on their bodies for other people to lick.
DJP has scary hair when it’s not all gelled up. Deena washes and styles it into a faux-hawk. He puts on some shades and a huge headband and becomes a guido called Joey D. Vincenzo asks Joey to dress him like a guido. They climb into the confessional to act like guido toolbags in tracksuits.
I would find this funny if they were at the Jersey Shore on a rainy day. I don’t think this is funny though. This is how they’re spending their time in Italy. Seriously.
FPC: Fist pump, push-up, chapstick. It’s the new GTL. And maybe DTF, who knows.
And now it’s time for the SloppyCouple to talk. SloppyRon came into the house not knowing what was going to happen with them and with no trust in SloppySam. She doesn’t understand that because they were cool before and, well, seriously, who cares about this?
Let me sum it up: they get together, they fight, they break up, they still love each other because they think that’s what love is, and then they get back together and then she gives him a look and he throws roses at her or gives her roses or throw roses out and someone’s bed gets tossed out and then someone finds out someone kissed someone else and then Sitch gets involved in some way, and then she cries and then he yells and then they break up and decide they’ll never work and then get back together until the reunion show when they don’t talk at all. But they still love each other.
DJP, Vincenzo, and Deena sit in the living room and overhear everything. They are sick of this as is everyone else in the world. DJP says, Mike bashed his head into a wall and I’m about to do the same thing. HIL. AIR. EEE. US! Me, too!
Vincenzo goes out onto the pigeon porch to tell them that when they get into a fight, they need to keep it away from him. He’s not preaching and feels like he’s speaking for other people, but he has to get it out because it takes away from them having fun. SloppyRon explains that they are not fighting; they are having a conversation. Vincenzo says that he’s seen it before so he’s kindly asking that because they are in Italy, he wants to have fun and wants them to keep it away from them. SloppySam thinks it’s cool that Vincenzo can tell them about something that’s bothering him. Maybe the SloppyCouple can learn something from that. They won’t.
Oh, and by the way, they’re together again. Someone set a timer. Someone start a pool.
JWoWW and SloppyRon go out to eat and talk about Snooki’s relationship with Jianni. They don’t like how Jianni doesn’t like how she acts. And now they’re both calling her Schhhhnooki instead of Snooki. They don’t think she should be dating Jianni.
Snooki finds Sitch on the pigeon porch. He was sleeping. She still hates him for telling people they hooked up. She wants him to admit that he was wrong so they can move on. He hopes that one day he can apologize for telling people. Basically, she still says it never happened. He still says it did but he shouldn’t have blabbed it. He’s been planning on doing something nice for her as a friend for the rest of their lives. She wants him to admit he was wrong. He says fine, fine, and says he shouldn’t have said anything to Ron. He won’t say he’s sorry so Snooki walks away.
And now it’s time to drink! Sitch is happy to go out since he’s been on neck brace lockdown for days. The SloppyCouple makes out, which includes SloppyRon licking SloppySam. Fantastic. SloppyRon dances all crazy and falls and hurts his knee but he just wants to dance! He can’t stop dancing! This is like an episode of Fame. And his statement—I just wanna dance—has made my night. SloppySam gives him the very wise advice of “don’t fall anymore.” Sometimes I do enjoy watching the two of them after all.
Snooki gets into a yelling fight with a girl who made a face at her. Someone spills a drink on JWoWW, which prompts her to scream, Fall back! Them’s fightin’ words. At least they’re better than DJP’s threat of What’s up baby? from last week. The girls want to do their own thing and have fun with each other but no one will leave them alone. Deena yells and points at some girl and then a girl reaches through a crowd to throw a drink on the back of Deena’s head. Sneak attack! Sneak attack! So uncool.
Deena goes into Crazy Scrappy Mode and claws her way through the crowd in an attempt to kick the girl’s ass. Snooki grabs and fights whoever she can put her hands on. Then? Snooki and Deena attack each other by accident. HIL! AIR! EEE! US!!!!!!!
Why didn’t I want to watch this tonight? It’s amazing!
When they get home, Snooki calls Jianni. She says she misses him and wants to touch him. Jianni asks her what’s going on and if she hooked up with someone. What? Where the hell did that come from? The SloppyCouple and JWoWW don’t like seeing Snooki like this. SloppyRon comes in, grabs the phone, and confirms for Jianni that Snooki loves him. Snooki wants SloppyRon to tell him to stop being psycho. Jianni tells SloppyRon to put Nicole back on the phone. Actually he says, F**k you put Nicole back on the phone.
SloppyRon returns to the living room to tell them that Jianni doesn’t realize what he has. Jianni tells Snooki she’s being a bitch to him. The more I hear Jianni talk, the more I realize he’s kind of a girl. The conversation ends with him getting in a huff and Snooki crying. SloppyRon comes back in to tell her not to change herself for him. And he complains about Sitch getting involved in other people’s relationships. She tells Snooki she’s beautiful and she is who she is.
In the bedroom, JWoWW is disgusted by Jianni because he’s affecting Snooki’s time in Italy. SloppySam thinks they should help Snooki. This is the kind of help Sitch gets himself involved in.
Deena calls the waiter she met to come over. He rings the bell a zillion times before Deena realizes he’s there. This guy either really likes her or has no other girls at the moment. They kiss in the kitchen and something made of glass breaks and Deena winds up on the floor, bleeding. She and the waiter go onto the pigeon porch. She sees a hickey on his neck. He says it’s a bite mark from his sister. She thinks that’s weird and doesn’t believe him because she’s from America. So Deena goes to bed and he sees himself out.
JWoWW calls Roger. She misses him and Jianni is a prick. Roger asks why Snooki would continue to be in a relationship when she’s so unhappy and why would Jianni be on his way to Italy in less than a week? Silly, silly, Roger. Doesn’t he know logic plays no part in this world?
JWoWW, Deena, and the SloppyCouple go out for drinks and talk about how Snooki shouldn’t be with Jianni. They walk there talking about it. They talk about it while drinking. They talk about it while walking home. Then they approach Snooki in her room to have a Jianni Intervention. They tell her that they’ve never seen her that upset and since Jianni told SloppyRon to go f**k himself, Snooki should break up with Jianni.
Snooki is simply addicted to her boyfriend’s penis, not heroin, so they should quit it.
They think that Jianni is changing everyone’s attitude in the house. What the? First off, SloppyCouple has no say in this since they ruin everything with fighting. Secondly, Snooki has to make her own mistakes and she’s not going to break up with someone because they tell her to. Thirdly, stay out of it. They all need to knock their heads into the concrete wall. :bang: Maybe it’ll knock some sense into them.