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Lesbians Out, 'Roid Rage In: Jersey Shore, S4, Ep 4



The morning after is such a fun time. Surprisingly, on this particular morning, DJP is not waking everyone up with the grenade horn. One of the twins wakes up, climbs out of Sitch’s bed, finds her clothes, and does a quick pre-walk-of-shame through the house to find her virgin sister in Vincenzo’s bed with a 50% chance that her virginity is still intact (but from what we’ve heard about Vin’s schlong, if that girl was a virgin, there’s no way she’d be able to do it with him first time out). The virgin twin says she’s sleeping and so only Sitch’s twin goes home right away.

Sitch ducks into Vincenzo’s room to tell the virgin twin that her sister went home. Virgin declares that she’s an individual! Dammit! She must have post traumatic mommy dressed us exactly the same angst to work out still. She leaves a little bit later.

Vincenzo, wearing sunglasses, explains to RonRon what happened with him, Deena, and the virgin last night. Oh, that’s nice. He uses the phrase, “Polished me off.” Ew.

On the pigeon porch, RonRon tells Snooki and SamSam what happened between Vincenzo, Deena, and the virgin. RonRon is the biggest gossip ever.

The guys go out on the town and discuss, yet again, Deena’s robbery of the virgin. Then they ask Sitch about whether or not he hooked up with Snooki. He recounts the story Snooki told them last night, except that he says they slept together.

The girls are also out on the town and Snooki tells them to give Sitch the silent treatment because of the lies he’s telling about the two of them having sex. Snooki wants to have wine to talk. She says the bridge with Sitch is burned. She doesn’t want to lose Jianni over this. She thinks Sitch wants to ruin her relationship.

SamSam then says that everyone talks in this house. She says that they all said that Deena went lesbianic last night. She tells them what happened. Snooki admits to having a lesbian experience—she licked a nipple once.

You know, umm. Nevermind.

JWoWW is walking around with a ginormous hat. She shops for an even bigger hat. Then she arrives home with a semi-big hat. The boys are in the kitchen and Vincenzo is making carpet jokes to get to Deena. DJP makes lesbionic/let’s be honest jokes. RonRon laughs idiotically at everything they say.

Deena doesn’t understand why the guys keep making fun of her for making out with a girl. She yells at them that it was a good f**in time and storms out.

Snooki takes SamSam and Deena into the phone room to call Jianna. She explains that Sitch is telling everyone that Sitch and Snooki hooked up in December. Jianni asks if she has something to hide. She says if she had something to say, she would tell him. He says, I love you, and then reminds her that he’ll be there in a few weeks. She burps into the phone. It’s all so romantical.

The girls decide to dress up like 40-year-olds from Yonkers with large hats, tight dresses, and heels. Everyone eats without talking because everyone is having problems and it’s all very awkward. Sitch says that the virgin called but he wasn’t sure if it was for Vincenzo or Deena. Deena explains that nothing happened between her and the virgin because the virgin jumped into Vincenzo’s bed despite everyone’s claim that they heard Deena moaning all night. She realizes that she does like boys now. Then she asks Vincenzo how he liked her. How many times do we have to listen to the story of the robbery?

Sitch says that he is not opposed to girls kissing but what happened last night was wrong because you don’t steal someone out of someone else’s bed.

Okay, Number 1: You can’t steal people. They make decisions. The decisions may not be smart, but still.

Number 2: Sitch is acting like he’s defending Vincenzo, but really, he’s pissed because he didn’t get to have his threesome with the twins.

Number 3: Deena’s not a guy. There’s no guy code among her and the boys.

Number 4: Even the guys here don’t stick to guy code. Come on!

Vincenzo adds in a lame: next time, I might like the girl, so don’t lift up the covers.

Another awkward silence happens and then dinner is over.

Out on the pigeon porch, Deena and the girls are yet again talking about Deena and the virgin. JWoWW explains that they see her as having crossed a line because she cockblocked the guys from getting the girl. Again, I refer to the aforementioned Number 1. Deena doesn’ t think she can handle this because she feels like she’s losing herself.

Inside, Sitch thinks Deena did them wrong and DJP points out she didn’t even apologize. Vincenzo says he doesn’t have a problem with any of it (even though at dinner he offered his lame-ass Don’t do it again comment just to say something). They decide to move her bed out of the room.

When the girls come back inside, Deena and Snooki see her bed on the floor. She picks up her stuff and walks away. JWoWW comes in to tell them they are being malicious. They say it’s not a big deal. Deena cries in the other room under a blanket and thinks she’s having an anxiety attack. She wants to go home. SamSam is comforting her.

JWoWW asks Vincenzo and DJP to tell her it’s a joke because she’s crying. They don’t know why JWoWW is defending the girl who makes a mistake every night and whines about it the next day. JWoWW makes up Deena’s bed and asks them what’s so wrong about Deena being human. This is getting very philosophical.

Now it’s time for a talk presided over by the girls. Deena tells DJP that he’s a different person now from who he is outside of the house. DJP jumps on her, saying the only person who has changed is her because she’s so emotional. He loved her because she used to be able to take their jokes and give them right back and it was the best and she wouldn’t cockblock and was the coolest girl. He declares he’ll never claim.

Deena asks him about the cockblocking stuff. He answers that it wasn’t her, but if she wants to hook up with girls, that’s fine. That is totally contradictory but no one points this out. She says she’s not being herself. DJP says, Exactly so don’t put your issues on me. She points out that she would have never done that, meaning that if she were not on television in Italy, she would not have hooked up with a girl. I’m guessing.

She feels very alone and she’s drinking and she does stupid shit and she keeps drinking. DJP wishes she would have told him if she had issues because he would have lain off the jokes or something. He admits that his jokes are harsh. Then he makes her apologize to Vincenzo. She does. The boys say they don’t hold any resentment.

I call BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTT. Seriously? They’re holding court and she has to apologize? Ummmm, how about DEENA took the girl home so DEENA gets to keep the girl and if the girl wanders into Vincenzo’s bed, he should send her back to DEENA’s bed. So VINCENZO needs to APOLOGIZE to Deena for being a douche and DJPAULIE needs to APOLOGIZE to Deena for getting involved in something that is completely NOT HIS BUSINESS. God! And the girls just sit there and say, yeay now it’s all figured out and we’ll all be much more open about how Deena feels and if she can take a joke or not. ACKCKDJCKDJFLDKKKDKKKKKK!

Attention Deena: you go get your carpet on as much as you like, sweetie. Or as little. It’s up to you.

The girls go get Deena’s stuff. While they do, DJP puts the couch on Deena’s bed. She gets back, gives him the finger, and then they hug it out. Aw, okay, that’s sweet. The boys were completely wrong all the way, but I still like making up after a fight.

The next day is the first day of work for Deena, DJP, and Snooki. They have a map but still they wander through the streets, lost. Deena does get them there, which is pretty amazing. Not because she’s Deena, but because any of them navigating the streets is a triumph. Snooki wants a pink hat but they don’t have one. They have to wear white hats. Snooki’s bronzer is coming off her head already.

One of the chefs uses his height to move Snooki without touching her. She interrupts him with Scusi! Then he says in broken English that he speaks very little English. She says that she knows and she doesn’t understand anything he tells her. This? Is going to be magnificent.

DJP’s job is to pass out fliers. He asks them all what their plans are for later on. The girls are stuck inside scrubbing pans. This seems fair.

At home, RonRon is on the phone with the Hannah girl. She asks if Italy would be better with her there and he says yes.

Might I remind us all that he and SamSam are back together?

JWoWW knows all about RonRon’s phone calls with Hannah and she doesn’t care if he screws another girl. She just doesn’t want his screwing other girls to ruin everyone’s time in Italy. Oh, please, God, not another note. She pulls him out onto the pigeon porch to discuss his Talks With Hannah. He says he doesn’t know. He thinks JWoWW is his friend but should keep her nose out of it. He tells her not to worry about it.

At work, DJP uses a megaphone to attract girls both in and outside of the restaurant. The girls? Are flipping pizza. Then they decide to both jump into one garbage bag. The boss tells them it’s not a joke. They are over it. Snooki wants wine so she asks a customer to buy a bottle from the case and meet her in the back to give it to them. Snooki paid for it of course and lets the woman keep the change. The two girls chug chug chug. They tell the boss that Deena has her period and they’ll be right out.

The boss finds the wine and tells Snooki it’s hers. Snooki says no. Deena says no. He says he doesn’t drink white wine. Snooki says it’s weird. He pours it down the drain.

Outside, DJP gets pooped on by a bird. That? Makes me happy.

RonRon and JWoWW walk around with luggage to go shopping for SamSam. RonRon wants to see SamSam smile for no reason. They mack it a little. Then RonRon wants to eat because dude is always hungry.

Snooki and JWoWW go out to dinner. They talk about what Jianni should bring to Italy, which includes his penis. How do these people separate from their body parts? JWoWW and her boobs. Jianni and his wang. This is an odd bunch. They think about molding their boyfriends’ penises to carry them around.

RonRon and SamSam go out to dinner to be romantic. They sit on the same side of the table. She thanks him for all the stuff he bought her. They are happy the drama in the house has nothing to do with them.

JWoWW tells Snooki that RonRon said he’s flying Hannah to Italy soon. She wonders if they should just let it be.

Here it is—flashbacks to JWoWW and Snooki typing up the anonymous letter about RonRon to SamSam about what happened in Miami with another girl’s breasts.

Snooki says to let it be because they don’t want it to turn into another Miami fight. JWoWW agrees but doesn’t understand how she always gets to be the one who knows about another chick.

SamSam and RonRon walk back home, holding hands, all in love.

Everyone goes out to Club Yab. Vincenzo is looking to find a girl he can speak Italian to because it’s a challenge to do so. Love, however, is an international language. So is the phrase, I don’t want to screw you, which is what the girl he’s talking to says to him. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!

Meanwhile, RonRon is drinking two drinks at once and dancing by himself. He doesn’t want to be completely closed off to the rest of the group just because he and SamSam are together because that’s what they always do and he doesn’t like it. SamSam finds him and gives him what he thinks is a dirty look because he’s dancing three feet above some fat chick. His words.

SamSam gets mad and calls him a f**kin a**hole. RonRon follows her and they talk it out. Here “talk it out” means “have a drunken shouty conversation about blonde girls and dancing on tables.”

So now we’re back to SloppyRon and SloppySam. I knew it couldn’t last.

SloppyRon tells her that it’s not going to work out because she doesn’t trust him. He walks home by himself. He slams a door. He tells himself that SloppySam doesn’t deserve him.

Umm, you just pretty much broke up with her in a club while you’re both drunk.

They. Deserve. Each. Other.

Sitch and DJP have both nabbed some girls so they are ready to go and spread some seed internationally.

Okay, now here’s my favorite part of the season so far: DJP is giving his girl a tour of the house as they walk in. He says, This is my phone. That’s what happens when you take steroids.—and there’s SloppyRon on the phone with his friend, complaining about SloppySam. HIL! AIR! EEE! US!!!!

SloppyRon meanwhile is talking about pedestals, floors, and smashing. He’s sweating profusely. It’s very gross. He storms through the house. Vincenzo is antagonizing him—fighting already bro? You just got back together, bro! SloppyRon keeps telling him to stop.

SloppySam finds SloppyRon and says they need to talk. He tells her to get out and he’s tired of her trying to check him. She tells him to slow his role. He tells her to get out before he checks her soon. This is productive.

In DJP’s room, DJP is lying in bed. His girl thinks it’s too early to lie down and go to bed. She leaves him and finds her friend in Sitch’s room to say that she’s going to leave and wants to know what Sitch’s girl is doing. Sitch walks both girls to the door. He calls Britney and she agrees to come over. I am going to guess she’s using him as much as he’s using her. I hope.

He goes into his room where SloppySam is sitting on SloppyRon’s bed, all teary-eyed. He tells them he’s going into the smash room because Brit is coming over. He then says, It’s none of my business, but you both love each other at the end of the day.

That was a nice thing to say, but as he said himself, it’s none of his business.

SloppySam tells SloppyRon she’s going to lay down with him. He says if she lies down, he’s sitting up. So he sits up.

This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.

She lies down with his blanket and she asks if they are friends. He says that’s the way it’s gotta be. Then SloppySam says that Sitch had told them at lunch that SloppyRon was talking about bringing five girls home at once. SloppyRon says that he has a lot of girls that he could have on their way if he wanted them to. Which is a very nice defense. SloppySam gets disgusted and walks out.

SloppyRon then begins talking to himself. “Mike said. Mike said. I’m gonna flip this kid” or something like that. Basically, he thinks it’s Sitch’s fault that SloppySam is upset and that their relationship won’t work. While Sitch should mind his own business, SloppyRon did just tell SloppySam that he could get lots of girls. So, let’s just blame it on someone else as usual.

SloppyRon tears off his shirt because he’s the Incredible Hulk. DJP spoke to soon. THIS is what happens when you take steroids! He’s gonna f*** him up! He finds Sitch half asleep on a couch and asks him if he wants to be a bitch. Wasn’t Sitch heading into the smush room with a girl? Why is he sleeping? And why is SloppyRon yelling at a sleeping person? He asks why Sitch is telling people that SloppyRon said he’s going to get lots of girls. Then he flips up the end of the couch Sitch is on to make him stand up.

Sitch keeps asking, What are you talking about? DJP and Vincenzo peek outside their door because they don’t want to deal with it. SloppySam wanders out of her room and SloppyRon pushes he forward, telling her to tell him what she told SloppyRon because he’s gonna f**k him up. SloppySam reminds Sitch about how he said SloppyRon said he was gonna bring home girls. Sitch doesn’t remember saying it and SloppySam asks why she would make it up.

SloppyRon throws all of Sitch’s stuff out of the room into the living room. Sitch tells him that he doesn’t get involved into his relationship and tells him not to be irrational. The other roomies begin to float out of their room as they realizes it’s not regular SloppyRon and SloppySam drama, but it’s them and Sitch drama.

Then something in Sitch snaps. He never runs into a fight. Even when Snooki got punched in the face, he ran away. Now, perhaps he’s hit some of the RonRon Juice because he goes ballistic and his veins are popping out and he’s foaming at the mouth. Literally. He’s yelling that he doesn’t care about their relationship and then says he wants to do this. He then punches the wall and screams Let’s do it over and over. SloppySam is standing in front of SloppyRon as if her 100 pounds is going to help.

Everyone starts to get between the two of them for more of an obstacle, but really, nothing is going to stop this. SloppyRon takes a run at Sitch and throws him against the upturned bed. This is not going to turn out well for Sitch at all.

What happened to all the fun with the lesbians? That was much less dangerous.

:banana4:


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