| Every week, we begin right where we left off—drunk, coming home from a club, with or without someone DTF. Sitch had called the cute-not-beautiful Florida girl when we last saw him; now we see him doing what he does, calling her a cab after they’ve done the Push Pop or the Ring Pop or the Pop Rocks or whatever other sex move he’s created that will ruin my nostalgia for childhood candy. He’s happy he’s found a girl who is so DTF.
He’s also exhausted so he takes a nap on the couch on the porch. It doesn’t last long because he becomes the target for swooping pigeons. Every time he dozes off, a pigeon comes in kamikaze style. He winds up on the floor, looking around for a culprit. I love Italian pigeons.
Snooki and SloppyRon have become the buddies they used to be—which I don’t remember but I guess they were at some point according to them. They go out into the streets with a map neither of them can read and wander around until they accidentally find some place to eat. Snooki has some wine because wine is like coffee in Italy. I actually don’t hate that. I like it very much. Snooki asks him when he’s taking SloppySam out to dinner and she thinks they belong together. SloppyRon knows he loves her but he broke up with her in January and they have to have that conversation tomorrow because they’re all going out tonight to drink and that would ruin all the fun drinking if they did it beforehand.
SloppySam and Deena have found some place to eat. Deena’s goal in Italy is to score a Lean Cuisine authentic Italian boy who speaks English all good and stuff. Their waiter speaks English and she shows him all the Italian she can say like Grazi and Prego. He gives her his number so she can call him later to go out to the club.
They somehow stumble upon the gym to work out together. SloppyRon does his own routine. Snooki gets help from a trainer, an older white-haired guy at the gym who speaks almost-English. He calls her bella. Then he sits behind her on a machine and she whines, Oh I feel your weiner! Which is gross and probably true. Ewww. Still, she gets a good workout. SloppyRon and Snooki leave the gym, deciding it’s time to go get wasted. They are so on the same page.
What is the point of working out hard core when you drink before and after? Does it defeat the purpose or does it allow you to drink that much? Discuss.
Vincenzo challenges DJP to a game of Foozball. They have a mini table, the size of maybe a checkerboard. Deena asks them if they are getting cabs or walking, and they tell her they aren’t in charge and she should make a decision. She thinks they’re jerks.
At the club, everyone dances! Snooki does her own thing, walking off by herself, getting shots by herself, and dancing by herself. SloppyRon jumps over a couch and grinds into the air. Snooki tells him she almost slapped him before she realized it was him. She says this is the Ron she fell in love with. I’m guessing she means as a friend.
SloppySam sees the two of them come back from their dance spot. She tells SloppyRon that she doesn’t care what he does and wants him to have fun in Italy. SloppyRon wants her to have fun in Italy. She says she misses him. SloppyRon asks her why she always wants to have this conversation drunk and says they have to talk tomorrow.
Okay, this is unprecedented. SloppyRon is actually not being cocky or unrealistic. He’s being, well, logical and smart. SloppySam is the one moping around and getting all slurry and clingy. From here on in, SloppyRon is no longer SloppyRon. He’s back to RonRon (proud sponsor of RonRon juice, remember?). SloppySam remains SloppySam until she stops attempting to have drunken serious conversations.
The Lean Cuisine waiter has arrived at the club. Deena is in heaven. She Jersey Turnpikes him. Which means she shoves her ass against his crotch and bends over. This is somehow a dance move. He doesn’t seem to mind.
The other girls get some drinks and toast to Firenze. They sit there silently for a moment until Snooki asks, Firenze? That means Florence right? JWoWW nods and then shakes her head a little. Typical Snooki.
Sitch has found that Florida girl is a twin—at least I think it’s her and I don’t know how that news hasn’t surfaced until now even though they don’t do a whole lot of talking, but still. Anyway, the twins become his backup plan. He tells one of them they are both going home with him later.
When everyone leaves the club, Sitch isn’t with any girls let alone the twins. Deena has the waiter with her, who not only showed up but made out with her all night long. In the cab, she asks him how to say “easy girl.” He gives her the Italian word for “simple.” She goes, okay, simple, that’s not me. He asks if they can kiss and she answers, kissing yes. Aw, I actually like Deena. She’s very funny.
Snooki talks to her dad on the phone when they get back. Sitch wants to call his girl. He hounds Snooki until she gets off the phone. She hangs up and he kisses her three times on the face as she curls away. He tells her he’s calling other girls because she has a boyfriend and he wouldn’t call girls if she were single because he’d be with her. Snooki is not falling for this. At all.
Deena has the waiter in her room. Vincenzo and DJP come in and fall all over each other and yell and then leave, telling her to get it in. Then they yell all kinds of things outside of the room. Deena tells the waiter she’ll be right back. She goes the door and yells at the guys, telling them that she is not “doing sex” and if they brought a girl back, she would leave them alone. They yell that they are leaving her alone and she should get back in the room to do it with him.
Let’s pause for a second as we put into memory our new favorite phrase: doing sex.
SloppySam comes in to separate Deena from the boys. She tells the boys to shut up and let Deena be because Deena likes this guy. They insist they were leaving her alone.
Deena goes back into the room. The waiter says that he’s going to go home. She doesn’t let him. Literally. She stands in front of him and says, No you’re staying here. And he does.
Until after she’s fallen asleep. Then the waiter looks around at all the sleeping roommates and lets himself out of the house without saying a word to anyone.
Florida girl calls the house. RonRon answers. He makes some noises. He hangs up on her. Florida girl calls back. DJP answers, tells her it’s Vinny, says he’s madly in love with her, and then hangs up on her. He calls out to Sitch that she called. She calls back. RonRon answers the phone. He asks who’s calling. She says, Britney. He hands up on her. Then DJP and RonRon say they have a stalker and have to change their number because the twins keep calling back.
Umm, she’s calling for someone in the house and they keep hanging up on her. How is that stalking? Especially when she’s returning someone’s call.
The phone rings. DJP answers. She asks, What are you doing? He says, Hold on, and hands the phone to RonRon. RonRon says, It’s Mike. He tells her to come with her sister to the house in an hour.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. Deena finds the twins at the door and directs them inside. Snooki’s on the phone with her boyfriend. He misses her and didn’t go out. She gets distracted when she sees the girls come through the house. She wonders why they are there since it’s daytime. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!
The twins walk into Sitch’s room as he’s moisturizing his face and all he can manage to say is—Uh, hum, heh, hum, oh, hum. They say, the twins! As if this is not obvious. He kisses them hello. One says she feels bad because he’s not ready even though he told her to be there in an hour.
He puts them in the living room while he gets dressed and then gives Snooki a WTF look as he goes back to get ready. He can’t believe they found him.
I am confused. Did he not want to hang out with twins? Or does he not want them there because, as Snooki pointed out, it’s daytime?
DJP, RonRon, and JWoWW all look in the living room and immediately walk out to start laughing. RonRon stands in Sitch’s doorway, laughing at him. Sitch doesn’t know what’s going on and he doesn’t remember inviting them. DJP comes in and says she wants to know where to put her toothbrush. Sitch says it’s really not a bad deal to have twins there.
Sitch finally finishes getting ready. He tells them they’ll go get food and then walk through the market. Vincenzo thinks he has an agenda because Sitch doesn’t take girls out on dates, especially not during the day. Sitch’s agenda is a threesome. He thinks he can get it done.
RonRon and SloppySam go to a rooftop restaurant. She gets butterflies because the non-romantic Ron is taking her some place romantic. Oh, jeez, here we go. SloppySam says she’s letting him do him and she trusts that he wouldn’t bring back a girl and hurt her and he hasn’t yet. He asks what more she could want. She wants him to hang out with the guys. He kind of wants to be with Sam but he wants Sam to be this girl. She says she’ll never hurt him and she’s here if he wants to be with her. He says that they will give it a shot and he obviously loves her. He misses holding her. She thinks they should start over.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
SloppySam and RonRon arrive at the house holding hands. He thinks it’s gonna be different this time.
Snooki misses their drama because it’s boring when they don’t fight. She asks him how dinner was. He says they worked things out and they’re back together with no fighting this time. Snooki wants to tell everyone.
Vincenzo and DJP are playing Foozball again. RonRon comes in wearing a black vee-neck. Vincenzo says, Uh oh he’s got the black vee-neck on. DJP says, Conservative shirt means he’s back together with Sam. RonRon walks out of the room, tugging at his shirt to take it off. Vincenzo thinks everyone’s progress is now set back by months. DJP is contemplating suicide. Vincenzo says when they’re together, they both wear black, like a funeral.
They all go out to the club and have an amazing time dancing. They take over an Italy club. They are very proud. They are all enjoying themselves. And then, the twins arrive in the middle of everything. Sitch thinks it’s a new level of stalker.
I really don’t get it. How is it stalking if he called them? Okay, so tonight he didn’t call, but everything leading up to this, he called. Plus, it doesn’t help that they all refer to this as Twinning!
Snooki starts to interrogate one of them about being an audience for the other one when she has sex. That’s happened before.
Why would you want to watch your sister have sex? Or as Deena would say, Do sex?
Snooki encourages the twin to have sex with Sitch and the sister. She says that she’s a virgin. Snooki doesn’t totally believe it and says the other one is probably a big whore. She is in love with her boyfriend Jianni and she’s going to f**k his brains out when he visits.
Sitch tells the twins that they’ll figure everything out when they get back to the house. Then Deena comes over to talk to the virgin twin. They dance. Deena tells her she’s cute and a good time. Sitch is pissed. Then RonRon points out: Hey guysssss? Deena’s making out with the twin right now. Deena explains that when you get drunk, you kiss girls. Of course, it says that right on the liquor bottle.
Deena has now committed a robbery so Sitch is upset that he won’t have a threesome with twins. Deena and the virgin make out in the taxi. They all get back to the house. She doesn’t think it’s the worst thing in the world to bring home a girl. She’s bicurious but she’d never date a girl because she loves penis.
Sitch leaves his girl in the room while Deena and the virgin take turns peeing. Snooki asks him where the girl is and he says he doesn’t want to bring her out. They both disappear somewhere so RonRon tells JWoWW and SloppySam what Sitch told him a few days ago—that Sitch hooked up with Snooki a few times, and one of those times Snooki was with Jianni. RonRon tells them this because there is no guy code between him and Sitch since Sitch ratted him out in Miami and in Jersey. And we are all in kindergarten. The girls think it’s disgusting and Snooki should know what Sitch is saying.
Oh God please not another note.
Sitch winds up on the porch and Snooki follows. He’s disappointed in Deena because she stole the girl from him. He thinks Deena’s selfish.
Deena comes to the kitchen to get food.
The virgin, who was in Deena’s bed, climbs on top of Vincenzo, who is lying in his own bed. She falls off and says she can’t do it. She thinks she should make out with Vincenzo. He says he doesn’t know what she should do so she kisses him. They climb under the sheets together. Deena comes back into the room to find them in Vincenzo’s bed. She tells Vincenzo that the girl wants to cuddle with her. She thinks it’s weird that the girl is bed hopping.
Then the virgin falls out of the bed. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!
Deena tells her she has to put pants on to get back into her bed. The girl says she has pants on. Then Vincenzo curls up alone in his bed as the girls cuddle in Deena’s.
Meanwhile, Sitch is trying to tell Snooki that he doesn’t really want to get it in with the girl waiting for him in his room (and what kind of girl sits there and waits for a guy while he’s off running around with his roommates? Seriously!), but he doesn’t finish because JWoWW tells them she has an emergency and needs to talk to Snooki alone.
Snooki runs into the house and JWoWW says that Sitch told everyone what the two of them did. Snooki says they didn’t do anything. JWoWW keeps repeating, Everyone. Everyone. Snooki keeps saying that they didn’t do anything. This conversation is going far. Then she says that Sitch told everyone details like, “I fu**ed Nicole and she cheated on Jianni.” JWoWW calls that details. I call that a statement.
Livid, Snooki goes back onto the porch and asks Sitch what’s wrong with him. She wants to know why he’s telling people that she cheated on Jianni with him. He says he didn’t tell anyone that. She says everyone is telling her that. She’s done with being his friend.
I wonder—is she denying it because it never happened or is she denying it because she’s on camera and doesn’t want Jianni to find out the same way SloppySam denied hooking up with Sitch’s friend when she really did because she didn’t want RonRon to know.
Sitch is not a liar. He admits when a girl rejects him. Snooki insists nothing happened. Sitch says they hooked up two months ago. Snooki says he’s an asshole and now he has no friends in the house. She hates him. He keeps saying he doesn’t lie. She keeps calling him a liar. Yet another deep conversation. He offers to describe exactly what happened.
Deena and the virgin are making out. Then she gets freaked out and says she can’t. She tells the virgin to go into Vincenzo’s bed. She does. I guess she’s not picky.
On the porch, Snooki is crying. RonRon tells her that if it’s true, but doesn’t finish. Snooki tells him and JWoWW about how a while ago, more than two months, Sitch was with a friend and the friend hooked up with Ryder so Sitch wanted to hook up with Snooki and she said no. He got pissed off and left. And that’s it. RonRon tells her that for Jianni’s sake, tell him the whole scenario of what happened rather than find out the way RonRon did about SloppySam.
Also, she probably shouldn’t write an anonymous note. We all know how that turns out.
Sitch confronts RonRon about telling. RonRon says he told JWoWW because Sitch knows it was going to come out no matter what. Sitch thinks RonRon knows he doesn’t lie and he’s being sincere. RonRon says that bringing home other girls isn’t sincere. Sitch doesn’t understand if they don’t believe him.
His twin finally wanders out of the room. It’s taken her that long to notice he’s not coming back? He’s calling her Linda, I think. Or he’s saying Lay down. Or both. Okay, maybe this isn’t the Florida girl. All these blondes. It’s so confusing.
Snooki says it’s all f***ed up and if she loses Jianni over this, she’s gonna kill Sitch. JWoWW says Jianni loves her and will believe her and not leave her over Sitch’s lies.
Sitch climbs into bed with his twin. Apparently all the fighting hasn’t killed his urge to get it in and all the waiting hasn’t killed her urge to let it in, and so they do it while everyone else goes to sleep. It’s all so romantical.