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No Bull About It – The Simple Life 2, Episode 1

Paris and Nicole are back, and they’ve got a motor home! The challenge; they have to travel from South Beach, Miami, all the way home to Beverly Hills, and they have to drive themselves – 3000 miles!

Equipped with a hot pink pick-up truck with tinted windows (are they really driving in those shots of the vehicle??), no money, no credit cards, no cell phones, and lots of short skirts, the girls are on a cross-country adventure.

After a quick inspection of their small, new home, where they will have to share a bed, and shower in a tiny closet where Nicole questions where the water will come from, and where there is, god forbid, no mirror (which they agree they will pick up at Wal-Mart) Paris takes the wheel, and off they go with motor home in tow. Paris, visibly nervous about towing a motor home, drives through a construction zone, down the middle of two lanes – I’m assuming, narrowly missing multiple vehicles along the way.

First stop, a tollbooth! Two rich girls, with no money, thus no way through the toll. And, much to their dismay, the toll booth attendant, is a woman! No sex and manipulation for them. Though they try bribing the tollbooth attendant with gum and contact lens solution, Nicole has no choice but to leave the vehicle and beg for the 75 cents from the other drivers. Fortunately for the ladies, 2 men in a van give them money for the toll, plus $5 for gas. Paris’s guard is down as she announces that this is going to be easier than they thought. Something tells me, she’s wrong!

Fuel level low….off to a gas station. Nicole, of course, targets a nice young man and offers to take $10 off his hands. Into the store they both go, and Nicole continues to charm men out of their money – $5 here, $1 there. Then the ladies stroll the aisles, Nicole eating along the way. The store owner, stands at the front of the store, looking most unimpressed with the girls! Nicole offers to work for gas…but only for 5 minutes! Back to the parking lot they go, to beg for more money! Grand total…$31!

The next adventure? Getting the pick-up truck pulled up beside the pumps, while still towing their new home! Nicole tries to help Paris with directions from behind the vehicle, but really, neither of these girls know what they’re doing! Finally lined up at the pump, the store owner who’s been taking pictures of the girls the whole process, tells them that they actually need to move the vehicle to an entirely different pump for Diesel! Paris has apparently had enough, and asks a man at the pumps if he knows how to ‘back this thing up’, which he does…and Nicole doesn’t miss a beat, hitting him up for $5 too!

On the road again, the girls are off to their first job at the Batten Ranch, home of the Bullet Rodeo! All of the men on the ranch seem quite anxious to see the ‘pretty girls’. JO, owner of the ranch, gives the girls a tour of his home. They quickly discover JO’s “dirty” side, as he has mirrors all above his bed! He assures them it’s to check his hair in the morning….Whatever!

JO’s intention is to put these girls to work, he’s not going easy on them – he rules with an iron hand, and what he says goes!! They’ve got a rodeo to prepare for! Both girls assure the men that they know how to ride horses, and after a quick information session on the size of men’s cowboy hats, Nicole and Paris put on their ‘britches’ and get ready to go to work. Getting ready for Nicole, means making sure her make-up is just right!

First chore, running heavy equipment (a shovel) and get the manure out of the arena. Shoveling large, turtle size poop!

Next step, off to pen the bull. Paris chooses her horse, ‘cuz he’s the cutest, and up they go! Paris tells JO’s son that she loves ridding, though she truly does look like she doesn’t know what she’s doing! As Travis (JO’s son) goes off at a trot without the girls, Paris complains that their horses are too slow, and that she wants to go really fast! Travis comes back and suggests that she just kick him, and hold onto her reins. Sure enough, she does as she’s told, but doesn’t seem to hold on hard enough. The horse begins to gallop, both of the girls are squealing, and the horse, obviously unimpressed, bucks Paris off! She goes flying, and ends up sort of under the horse. Paris’s main complaint when everyone rushes to her, are the prickly weeds she’s landed on that she feels are stuck in her arm. She’s got horse shit in her hair, and either horse shit or mud all over her face. She’s whining that the horse went too fast – wah wah, you got what you wanted! Complain, complain, complain! Then she informs everyone that the horse stepped on her stomach. Now, I’m not calling her a liar, I saw the news clips when it happened too, and that’s what they all said, but I rewound the tape several times, and I see her get stepping on, on the back of her leg. By the time she rolls over onto her back, the horse doesn’t seem to be in stepping distance! But, that’s just what I saw!

Anyway, in Hilton fashion, a helicopter comes, the medical staff put Paris on a stretcher, neck brace and all (even though she’s gotten up, cleaned herself off a bit, and walked around), and fly her off to the nearest hospital! We get to see the news footage, and Paris’s brief conversations with the press – ‘luckily there is no internal bleeding’ she tells them – oh, the drama! Paris assures the press that the horse bucked her off for no reason, and this has never happened to her before! (in how many years of riding, she’s never fallen off??)

The next day on the farm, JO is plagued with the guilt of nearly ‘killing Paris’, and Paris and Nicole do nothing to ease that burden. He finally concedes to take the girls up the road and buy them ice cream, and to feed the monkey’s, to try to make Paris feel better! After much excitement (Paris seems fine to me!), Paris informs JO that now he’s taking them shopping! Paris shows JO her nasty bruise on the back of her leg (not stomach!), and JO agrees to go to the cash with all of their items. $113.56 of tacky junk later, JO their new Sugar Daddy takes them back to the ranch. JO confesses to the camera that he’s ‘pretty easy going when it comes to pretty women’, and the girls do their best ass kissing (have you ever done any modeling? PLEASE!) the whole way home. JO, obviously, feels like a stud and actually shares with the girls that the only modeling he’s done is in his chaps, for his wives! Nicole gives him the nickname, ‘Dirty Daddy’, which matches up with the mirrors above his bed. But wait, he’s going to make it better. After VERY little prodding, JO agrees to model his chaps for Nicole and Paris – no pants, just chaps! Thankfully, the producers of the show blur out the naked parts!

2507 miles to go!

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