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Italian Sausage And Other Things That Sound Dirty: Jersey Shore S4, Ep 2



We last left the kids drunk and dancing in some fiery club in Italy. Remember, when I say fiery, I mean literally on fire as the bartender was juggling bottles with flames coming out of them. Oh, and there was the fire of lusty passion building between Sitch and Snooki—meaning Sitch was groping on her and she was almost pulling away—and also between Deena and DJP, or at least between their tongues.

We begin this week with a repeat of the kissing and licking and screaming. And lip biting that I might have missed last time. Deena wants to hook up and cuddle; she hopes his Italian sausage will be hers soon. Ugh. If we have to sit through a season of Italian sausage jokes, I’m going to vomit.

Also on the verge of vomit is Snooki, who is irritated that Sitch keeps touching her. In his defense, he keeps touching everyone. Still, he needs to stop being all handsy.

To avoid her own issue, Snooki approaches DJP and requests that he fu** Deena please. He doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want to make her cry. Admittedly, I missed a few lines there, but who can really hang onto every word of this drunken, captioned conversation. He’s never met a girl who can hook up without any feelings because eventually they have feelings somewhere. So instead, he tries to get a random girl’s number and can’t because the girl has a girlfriend.

Snooki tells JWoWW that she told DJP to put it in Deena and JWoWW is concerned that they’ll do it and Deena will wake up tomorrow with feelings for DJP. Snooki knows how all the feelings stuff ruined her friendship with Vincenzo and she doesn’t want that to happen with Deena and DJP. But still, she told him to fu** her.

On the dance floor, Deena and DJP are dancing separately. Then he dances with a girl and she starts yelling his name to get his attention. JWoWW instead pulls her away for “Girl Talk” and Deena insists she just wants to have sex with him. JWoWW thinks that their hooking up is inevitable.

Everyone piles into the cabs outside and DJP tells Vincenzo that DJP would really appreciate it if Vincenzo would hook up with Deena tonight. You know, so DJP doesn’t make her cry.

In the girls’ cab, Snooki tells Deena that she’s like Snooki and Vincenzo. Deena says it’s not. She just wants to get it in. For some weird and very disturbing reason, Sitch is in the cab with the girls and he’s got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, his arm around Snooki, his sunglasses falling off, and his eyes half closed but directed at Snooki’s boobs. Eeeewwwww.

When they get to the house, Deena falls on the floor. JWoWW searches for a bathroom so she doesn’t piss in public again. Deena makes a puppet do the Jersey Turnpike.

SloppyRon calls his friend Hannah to hear her voice. He wants to feel normalcy and not fight. He asks her to visit him. She says she’ll come to Italy.

Deena takes her puppet with her and falls down the stairs. SloppySam calls her clumsy. Here, clumsy means drunk.

Now it’s bedtime. DJP is sleeping. Deena pokes at him and says his name. Then she walks out of the room and calls it a bad time.

The next morning, DJP wakes everyone up with the grenade horn. I don’t know how he’s always the one who can wake up early with no hangover.

Sitch, DJP, Vincenzo, and Deena walk through the streets of Italy to find a grocery store to cook Sunday dinner. They can’t figure out the food because everything is in a foreign language. Or in the native language since they are in Italy.

When they get home, SloppySam suggests that she and Deena cook. They drink wine while they cook. Deena boasts how proud she is for not falling the night before. Then SloppySam finds weird strawberries in the groceries and wonders what to do with them. The both of them attempt to use the dish washer and then they go out to eat something with JWoWW after prepping all the food.

The boys are starving at home. Vincenzo thinks they’re not going to cook. SloppyRon spots foam on the kitchen floor. The boys complain that the girls aren’t cooking. They eat some bread and decide to cook. The girls finish up their snack and head back. The girls walk in and get pissed because they wanted to cook.

Meanwhile, Snooki is asleep. She’s been sleeping the whole day. The guys didn’t even know she was home.

They all eat their Sunday dinner together after the girls finish cooking.

Snooki calls her boyfriend Jianni and he complains that she doesn’t call him for an entire day. She explains that they are in different time zones and it’s hard. Sitch sits down next to her while she has her private conversation since it’s obviously his business. He claims to be a relationship expert so he wants to give her advice. He tells her not to let it bother her while she’s still on the phone with him.

Sitch hugs her and repeats that she shouldn’t let it bother her. He wants her to be herself because he cares for her. She should be happy. All this time, he’s touching her knees. Ugh. He’s like a creepy uncle. He thinks that he can make Snooki happy if Jianni can’t. He’s glad she came to him. Which she didn’t. He awkwardly stood over her and forced his ideas on her.

Vincenzo takes a phone call that reveals they will be working at a pizzeria. They have to be there in the afternoon, so they have to leave right away so they don’t get lost. The group walks through the streets with a map, searching for street signs that make sense. DJP is yapping, Como se dice “lost”? Which means “How do you say lost?” I think the look on their faces and the crinkled map say lost for them.

They finally find the pizza place and the boss tells them they are a little late. SloppySam says it looks like a Domino’s version of an Italian pizza place. What the hell does that mean? JWoWW thinks everything she learns here will come in handy when she’s 80 and has to tell her kids, Bitch shut up and enjoy my pizza.

The boss says he will show them how to make a pizza for the first and last time and he will not allow them to ask questions. Deena is not thrilled with that idea. He calls on Snooki to come around the counter and asks what pizza she wants. She says pepperoni and he asks what kind. Here it comes—hot salami jokes. Jeez. Not where people eat. She flattens the dough and then puts holes in it by accident. She puts on the sauce and cheese and pepperoni and he keeps giving her directions while she keeps saying, I don’t know what you’re saying! He speaks in almost English, which is great.

They leave after the lesson. JWoWW attempts to make coffee. In the house, they have old fashioned equipment for old fashioned cooking. She crushed coffee beans with a meat tenderizer and they follow the Italian directions but it all works in the end. I think she made one cup. All that for one cup. I know it’s Italy, but I’d bet they have regular coffee pots somewhere in the country.

Before you know it, it’s time to go out. A not beautiful but cute blonde girl hits on Sitch; she’s from Florida. SloppyRon does shots and is already slurring his words. Then he steals a shot literally out of DJP’s mouth; it was so close that he almost kissed the DJ.

JWoWW tells DJP that SloppyRon invited Hannah to Italy and they don’t know if SloppySam knows yet but they know she’ll probably flip out.

SloppyRon gets sloppier. DJP says he hasn’t seen SloppyRon this bad since Single Ronnie In Miami. SloppySam wanders around the club all teary-eyed for no reason other than SloppyRon is being sloppy drunk. SloppyRon shows his abs to the girl that hit on Sitch and tells her to make her choice. Then he tells Vincenzo that he is the, and I quote, “Pimp Daddy Mac of this whole place.” He’s got something over his eye—it could be stitches or it could be toilet paper stuck to him from wiping off sweat. He is a mess. Ok, it’s toilet paper because JWoWW pulls it off of his face.

Back on the dance floor, SloppyRon tells Vincenzo that he had four girls in three days. He repeats it several times. Vincenzo reassures him that he’s allowed to do that because he’s single. SloppySam keeps yelling, That’s fu**ed up! That’s fu**ked up!

SloppyRon yells Four! SloppySam yells Don’t! Vincenzo pulls SloppyRon away and says that no one is going to deal with the two of them fighting. SloppySam walks away saying she doesn’t care what he wants to do with his life because she doesn’t want to be with him. She wonders if she should go to a corner. She wants to let it go and she cries.

The not-beautiful-but-cute blonde and Sitch sit at a table and talk about how amazing they both are. Then everyone has a drunken walk home. SloppyRon tells JWoWW he called Sweet Sugar Hannah. Then he falls in the street and jumps back up. Deena wants to hook up with a guy from the club but they are already walking home. SloppySam helps Deena walk as the cops walk behind them. SloppySam tells Deena to quiet down and act normal. They manage to get to the house without incident.

How is it that they can never find where they want to go in daylight, but as soon as they are drunk at night, they can get home without a problem?

Deena gets into the house and falls on the floor. Again. There’s that clumsy coming out again.

Sitch parades through the house with the girl. Snooki tells Vincenzo that the girl is ugly. She asks Vincenzo who he would pick if it were her and the girl at a club. He’d pick Snooki and asks if she likes Sitch. She thinks any girl any of the guys get with are ugly. He says that’s because they can’t get with her. Smooth, Vincenzo. Real smooth.

Meanwhile, Sitch is in the smush room getting a little Push Pop action. He explains it but it’s all beeped out. I don’t want to know what he’s saying. I don’t want to know what a Push Pop is. No. He gets the girl a taxi. JWoWW and Snooki yell goodbye to her knowing they will never see her again.

Snooki climbs on the couch with Sitch to tell him the girl was ugly and he could do better. He agrees and says he would have gone home with her but she’s unavailable. She says she’s always around. He says she’s not just somebody to take home because things are different with them. She feels like they’re close. He reminds her that they’ve hooked up and they are a little more close than than. That’s what he says. I don’t know what that means. He likes her more than a friend but he respect that she has a boyfriend. He sees the way she looks at him. She says she looks at him like a friend. He doesn’t believe it. He insists there’s something there.

At lunch the next day, Vincenzo tells SloppySam that he’s done with them being drunk and fighting. SloppySam says she didn’t fight and won’t do what she did in Jersey here. Deena wants them to go out and not worry about what the other is doing. SloppySam says it’s hard to deal with things because he’s an ex. Sitch helps by telling SloppySam that SloppyRon kept saying he had five girls coming back to the house the night before. He says that SloppyRon was just drunk. SloppySam declares that she will not let the Ron Thing get to her.

Vincenzo and SloppyRon take a Jacuzzi together. The Jacuzzi changes colors. SloppyRon suggests they turn the lights off. Vincenzo feels that the Jacuzzi is pushing them towards each other. They both pick up their feet and hands and float into each other. Bow chicka bow wow.

In the bedroom, Sitch climbs into Deena bed to cuddle with her. What the? She climbs away.

Later on, they are waiting for Sitch (as usual) to get something to eat. As they wait, Deena tells them how Sitch climbed into her bed and how she got away by saying she needed a cigarette. She says he was being weird. Finally, Sitch is ready and they all walk to a rooftop restaurant. It is beautiful. SloppyRon explains how DaVinci painted the Vatican. Vincenzo is pretty sure it was Michelangelo.

Deena asks Sitch what was up with him the night before. DJP says Deena told them he tried to cuddle with her and she shot him down. Deena says, no, she said he got on the bed and she left to smoke a cigarette. Sitch says he didn’t try to cuddle and he wasn’t drunk. She explains that she didn’t say that he said he wanted to snuggle. She just said that he did snuggle. He says he wants to make it clear that he doesn’t want to snuggle ever at all.

Deena’s pissed that her best friend DJP puts her on blast. I don’t know when they became best friends. Day one of Italy I suppose. Snooki and SloppySam think he’s wrong and he should know she’s going to be upset that he sold her out. DJP doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Later on, as DJP makes Deena’s puppet fist pump (which sounds dirty but isn’t) she asks if he understands why she got mad and he says yeah and it won’t happen again. Then he gives her an apology bracelet. They make cute best friends.

Club time! I’m exhausted and hung over by just watching them go out again. Deena falls. Of course. Everyone fist pumps. DJP says all the girls are so young and he doesn’t know who they allow in the club so he checks everyone’s ID.

SloppySam falls on the floor. She says she’s fu**ed up and she doesn’t want to annoy SloppyRon and she wants to talk about them. He doesn’t want to have that conversation then and there. Probably the smartest thing that’s ever come out of his mouth. Deena pulls SloppySam away but not before SloppyRon yells at her. SloppySam lets a tear fall. Jeeeeeeeeeezzzzzussssssssss.

At home, Sitch enacts his Plan B Backup Plan since he hasn’t brought a girl home. He calls the blonde and asks her to come over. She agrees. Dumb.

In the living room, Deena sits on DJP’s lap for a while. Then he says Scusi Scusi because he has to get up. He goes into the bedroom and asks Vincenzo, who is lying down, if he wants some chapstick. What is going on?

Snooki, in the kitchen, wants to know who ate her sandwich. Then one by one they start to go to bed. SloppySam and SloppyRon hang in the kitchen. She doesn’t want to go back to what they were but she leans on him, and she says misses him and loves him and wants to go on the bed and cuddle him.

Remember that cartoon—I will love him and pet him and call him George? This reminds me of that.

SloppyRon still loves her but wants to be fu**ed in the a** with a spiked bat instead. Or he can go in the Jacuzzi with Vincenzo again if he wants an easier choice.

:banana4: Twit at me @christinamrau on Twitter for RS updates and more.


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