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Florence Shore-Adjacent: Jersey Shore S4, Ep1



When Jersey Shore premiered, many citizens of New Jersey were embarrassed and angry that the small group of almost-Italian, clubbing, tanning, laundry-doing, gym-going partiers represented the Jersey Shore. Now all of America can feel the exact same way this season as we follow that same group overseas to the homeland (though for some of them as aforementioned, being Italian is more of a state of mind rather than a heritage). Welcome to Italy Shore.

Snooki needs her picture taken for her passport. We learn that Italy, no wait, Europe is that big country that has England and Italy.

Did we expect anything more?

While Snooki gets her passport and geography sorted out, DJ Pauly D is on the cans, spinnin’ some dope joints in what seems to be a wood paneled basement from the 1970s while three large men watch him. Can we say awkward? He’s excited to being “coming for” the Italians. He’s bringing a large hair dryer. He gets his passport picture taken while talking.

Deena brushes up on her Italian at a dinner at what looks like a log-cabin-lodge. Her girlfriends help her with words that will pick up a guy, and then she says that “thank you” in Italian is “gracias.” She’ll do just fine. She’s expecting to bring a guy home in Italy but he won’t do sex right away, but maybe later. Then she gets her picture taken.

Do they realize that a passport takes several weeks to process?

Vincenzo talks to himself in the mirror. I used to really like him. Now? Eh. He’s teaching himself Italian using what I’m assuming is Google Translate. His goal is to learn Italian and pick up Italian women in Italy. He wonders if anyone will recognize him now that he’s grown a beard. I did not recognize the fact that he actually grew a beard. His face looks a little dirty, and maybe he has a shadow of stubble in the form of a goatee, but he needs to maybe use Google Images to find out what a beard is. In any case, he thinks he’s more better looking. His words.

He and DJP decide that DJP will drive up from Rhode Island, chill with the boys and Uncle Nino, and then drive on over to Italy.

Snooki is excited to go to Italy because it’s like another world. Jionni, her boyfriend of six months, helps her pack. He’s nervous that she’s going away but she reassured him that he has nothing to worry about with Vincenzo being with her in Italy. She knows that Italy is shaped like a boot but can’t find it on the map.

Now it’s time for Sitch to take a passport photo. While squatting. Wearing sunglasses. He wants Italy to lock up its daughters and hide its wives because he’s taking over. He’s excited to see how free-spirited Italian women are. He goes to get a haircut where he explains that Snooki called him to tell him she lost weight. He’ll hit it if she did. Word has it he already hit it back in season one.

Meanwhile, JWoWW and her boobies are going to Italy. She gets her passport picture taken. Then she makes out with her boyfriend at the gym. She’s still with Roger, and she doesn’t plan to cheat on him while she’s in Italy. Plus, Italy doesn’t have 6 foot 4 tattooed juice heads. Her words. To recap, she’s not going to cheat on him in Italy because Italy doesn’t have her type.

SloppyRon is single and excited to go to Italy with his boys. He takes his passport picture and tells his boys he wants to have a good time. They tell him not to hook up with SloppySam. Like that’ll work.

SloppySam reads through an Italian-English dictionary to figure out how to say “I have cramps.” Her motto for Italy is “to not sit at home in my bed, cry, be miserable, sulk in my own sorrows.” Maybe SloppySam needs a regular dictionary to look up the word “motto.” I don’t think that motto has quite a catchy ring. She’s had time to heal. She feels better about herself. The house always has issues. Her mom makes a joke about being on top. Ewww. Moms and sex jokes.

JWoWW and the girls are having a slumber party and will fly out together. They have to race the guys to Italy to get the best room. I think the girls may win since the guys are going to drive there.

Back at Vincenzo’s house, the first thing he plans to do in Italy is to find out the age of consent. That’s gross. Vincenzo thinks his family is Italian the right way. I don’t know what that means. The boys arrive and they eat and learn Italian and plan what to do when they get to Italy.

The girls arrive at Deena’s house with lots and lots of bags. They wonder what guys do at sleepovers and Deena’s mom brings up strippers. Did Deena ever get her passport?

The next day, both groups fly away from the states.

The girls arrive in Germany for a two hour layover. They are in Dusseldorf and no one can pronounce it. Really, it’s not so difficult to say. Then they get on a plane to Italy.

The guys are flying into Italy. Vincenzo thinks it’s Florence. He’s excited to be in the motherland. He sounds genuinely excited. He may be crying.

The girls land in Milan. They load up their zillion bags of a hundred pounds each and then decide to change their money into pesos. That’s when JWoWW sees that her bronzer had exploded. Then they find out they need to get on a bus by running with their carts of luggage. Deena falls. Of course. Then drops her bags.

The boys land in Florence, as Vincenzo suspected. Sitch is wearing an old man all white track suit. Vincenzo rubs the ground. Sitch has too much luggage but they all climb in and take off with SloppyRon saying, Ciao Ciao, as if that means go fast.

The girls get caught in traffic.

Since when has Jersey Shore become The Amazing Race? I’m waiting for Phil to pop up with a Detour and I fully expect that the last to arrive at the house will be eliminated.

The guys drive all over Florence. They like the bikes. Sitch keeps saying Ciao bella. DJP wants to speak English. They see that the alleys and streets are very narrow. They pull up to a huge house, fit for King Kong. There are two flights of stairs up to the castle-like home.

Wow. I hope they seriously appreciate where they are. I think they do. The house is, well, I can’t explain it. It’s amazing.

DJP and Vincenzo get their room together. Ah, young love. They have the dopest room according to DJP.

SloppyRon and Sitch get a room. SloppyRon thinks this is a good idea so that he and SloppySam don’t smush.

Vincenzo checks out the bathroom and finds a bidet. It cleans your butt hole. That’s a technical term, courtesty of Vin.

The girls finally beat the traffic and look at how pretty it all is. They climb the stairs, moaning at how many stairs there are. Seriously, get over it. You’re in Italy. For free.

They walk in and find the boys sort of hiding. Everyone hugs. The boys take them on a tour. They bump into SloppyRon who SloppySam says looks good. SloppyRon kisses everyone hi and then leaves the room. DJP thinks SloppySam has bigger boobs than last time.

Then everyone lugs the girls’ suitcases up the stairs. It’s a workout.

Deena has changed her type since last time in Jersey. She used to be into the SloppyRon type but now she’s into the DJP type. She wonders if she and he can be friends with benefits. Lucky for her, she gets chosen to move into the third bed in DJP and Vincenzo’s room. Unlucky for her, DJP’s comment is, We get to hear Deena bang dudes in her bed.

DJP pours out some shots of Limoncello. They toast to making it to Italy in one piece without losing baggage. Then everyone makes a hocking sound from the bitter and sour drink.

Midnight arrives. You know what that means? It’s time to go out. To get ready, the girls discuss JWoWW’s boobs and how they will not shrink and Snooki’s boobs and how they go to the side when she lies down and Snooki suggests to SloppySam that they get boobs together. SloppySam wants some.

DJP has a crisis. His blow dryer has died. Deena gives him a lesson on voltage converters. He then plugs in all the dryers to find one that works.

Deena wants to do one more shot. SloppyRon sits on a table and breaks it and falls over in the living room. Nice. It’s time to go.

If they destroy this house….seriously.

They walk around and ooh and ahh and wow at the buildings, the people, and the ferris wheel (which is a merry-go-round, or a carousel).

They arrive home a little bit later. Deena cannot wait to go to the club because everyone is single except for Snooki and JWoWW. Sitch thought Snooki was single. Deena likes Jionni for Snooki. Sitch seems really confused and he thinks she’s going to be single because it just doesn’t work like that. Deena says she’s a girl and she knows. Sitch thinks he knows more than she does. SloppySam runs back and tells Snooki about the conversation and Snooki thinks it’s weird. SloppySam thinks Sitch has a diseased switch in his head that makes him want to ruin relationships.

SloppySam and SloppyRon are avoiding each other for the most part. He walks into a room when she and Deena and Snooki are talking and then leaves. Snooki thinks he’s going to try to bang her. SloppySam says no. Snooki thinks he’s going to woo her. She doesn’t think so. Then SloppyRon makes a farting noise at them from the doorway.

The next day, JDP wakes everyone up with his grenade horn to get ready to GTL. SloppyRon needs to eat. They all look at the map and wonder how to ask for directions. They fear that SloppyRon will die without food. They all ask who drives stick and Snooki does. So they will rely on her to drive along with DJP. JWoWW is scared that Snooki has to drive in Italy, but Snooki feels useful. Vincenzo points out that the navigation is in Italian and he wonders if they can understand it in English.

In the girls’ car, they don’t even know if the car is on and Snooki can’t move the seat forward. It’s moments like these that make my defending them a moot point.

The guys drive away but someone suggests they wait for the girls. DJP thinks they’ll never get there if they do and thinks Snooki might take someone out. They don’t know what any of the traffic signs mean. DJP runs a red light and someone on a Vespa yells at him. The girls think about going back to the house for the address. This is a disaster.

The girls arrive at the house and find a food place, a quick café, but Snooki wants to go to the gym. Then they get attacked by pigeons on their porch. This? Is the greatest thing I’ve seen on television this week.

The boys find the gym. I guess SloppyRon isn’t going to die. They work out with Luigi, the old guy at the gym, who is showing them how to work out. Then they go home and find the girls. Snooki decides to run up and down the stairs so she can avoid the bad mood she gets in when she doesn’t work out.

Snooki looks really good and DJP thinks her workouts look like she’s having sex with herself. True but they work.

The girls can’t wait to go out. JWoWW’s curling iron breaks. She thinks Italians don’t believe in electricity. They blow like every outlet. They get ready in the kitchen where the only outlet is working. Then SloppySam’s straigtening iron burns off Deena’s hair.

Meanwhile, Sitch corners SloppyRon on the porch where the pigeons are. He tells SloppyRon that he and Snooki hooked up three months ago. Sitch is starting to like her a little bit. SloppyRon is mind-boggled because he can’t see Snooki screwing up what she has with her boyfriend to be with Sitch. Sitch swears SloppyRon to secrecy. This whole thing is not going to work. Either Sitch and Snooki are going to hook up on camera or SloppyRon is going to tell SloppySam or Snooki or someone and then there’s gonna be a fight. Again. They can’t live without the drama.

Vincenzo attempts to call a cab. He needs slow Italian to understand. He speaks slowly too. He’s doing the best out of all of them in integrating into the country.

Deena wears a bra that makes her look like she’s got fake boobs. Still, she’s one of the guys. How, Vin?

In Italy, we say, Taxi sono qui!

They walk into a club that has a bar that is on fire. The bartender is juggling bottles that are on fire. Then he blows fire. This is kind of like Coney Island.

Sitch hits on some girl who doesn’t speak English. He gets Vincenzo to speak Italian to the girl. Vincenzo is the man this season. The guys have to rely on him to get game.

Everyone dances. Everyone drinks. Everyone smiles. Everyone laughs. This is lulling me into a false sense of a fun season with no drama. Ah, but in true Jersey Shore fashion, the drama shows itself when Sitch tells Snooki he loves her and Snooki says he loves him and he kisses both her cheeks and she kisses both of his. DJP is like, I don’t know what the #OOPS# this dude is doing. SloppyRon looks on with a face of judgment (Really, Ron? Really? You’re judging?). SloppyRon doesn’t want Sitch to do that to Snooki. Though he calls her Shhhhnooki. You’d think if he cared that much, he would get her name right.

Then it seems that Sitch grabs Snooki’s head and kisses her, but their heads are turned away from the camera and we see only JWoWW and SloppyRon covering their mouths as a reaction—surprise? trying not to vomit? what? But the DJP says that Snooki was like, no and they didn’t kiss.

When Snooki walks away, SloppyRon says, That behavior! Watch it. Omg. Get him off of my screen. He and JWoWW then remind her that Jionni is going to visit with Roger so she better stop acting like that.

Then everyone dances. Deena asks DJP what he thinks of her boobs again. He leans over and asks what she wants him to do. She says, Kiss. And so, he kisses her.

The whole time, Snooki screams and Vincenzo laughs and DJP is also laughing and smiling and kissing, but when he laughs while he kisses, he can’t use his lips for both, so we get to see exactly how long his tongue is because the kiss turns into two out-of-mouth tongues licking each other in a close-up from several angles.

They stop the kiss long enough for DJP to say, Vinnie’s pissed, which makes no sense at all. Then they kiss more, and DJP doesn’t laugh as much so the weird tongue stuff stops. Deena proclaims that she loves Italy.

I guess I would too if I lived in that big house, rent-free, and was able to take in all the sites and learn the language and eat the authentic food and really experience what the homeland is all about. But I think she loves Italy because she licked DJP’s tongue while his licked hers, which really has nothing to do with Italy.

Jersey Shore airs on MTV Thursdays at 10 PM and then over and over throughout the week.

:banana4:


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