Because I need to mix this up a bit, as I am trying really hard to like this show, I’m going to review this week in a stream of consciousness as I watch. Because otherwise, I am going to join the millions of viewers the show is already bleeding so far since the premiere. The show has a serious pacing issue, which must be fixed if it manages to get a renewal. I should NOT be falling asleep during an extreme adventure series, but this is putting me to sleep each week quicker than the “How It’s Made” host’s voice manages to (seriously, have you heard this guy?)
So, here we go…
The Host actually said after the credits- “Who will be evacuated…tonight?” Somewhere, Phil Keoghan’s lawyers just saw dollar signs.
Task #1 is to find an “artist’s tent” – or as it is known in Manhattan…$2000 per month in SoHo.
Example of pacing problem – Gypsies leave first with their mini-head start by embarking with a light jog. Extreme!
The Bottom FIVE(!) teams get to leave together, this giving no consequence to last week’s almost-loss by the Country Boys, as they leave at the same time as teams who basically kicked their ass last week.
Fab 3’s Keri – “I’ve definitely been a leader.” And if by leader she means, a bossy shrew, then yes. However, I do not think that word means what she think it means.
Task #2 – at the artists’ tent; draw the map to the next task on the body of a teammate. Gypsies are first and Really Skinny Eric gets to be the guy from Prison Break. The other gypsies have some homophobia and comment about getting too close to their buddy’s chest. However, I agree that it would be a good time to have some women on the team. I know, a bit sexist, but I mean it in all the best flirty ways possible.
Why did No Limits decide to draw it on Jeff? Wouldn’t it make sense to draw on Erik? I mean, he can’t take part in the drawing, so you have only one team member drawing, and that surely means it takes longer to complete.
I could have done without seeing Fathead on all fours during this segment. And that’s the first and last time I will write that sentence in my life.
Why are all the women hot for the Footballers? Haven’t they heard Akbar talk?
Task #3 – walk (of course) six miles to the mouth of the Petrified Canyon, or some other location JK Rowling has written about.
Cali Girls have to start over again because there was not enough torso room to draw. I must protest and say that there clearly was enough torso room – however, to use it all would change the rating of the episode.
Blind Erik talking about being homesick – if anyone didn’t see them getting the messages from home, they have probably never watched a reality show. Of course, the way they got it was unexpected – Gypsies handed over their prize for no real reason other than they felt bad for the NL boys. And I have nothing snarky to say about that – I thought that was pretty cool.
I will miss Fathead – “I don’t have a Body by Jake, I have a Body by Butter.” Funny. And doubly funny with the ancient Body by Jake reference.
I hate to defend AJ, as he is not the most likable guy, but Kari needed to tone it down. Dude is sick! He’s not faking it, he’s your brother, I am sure you can tell when he is faking it.
Task #4 – Giant rappel down a mountain. Again, a blind guy did this – so, I hope everyone else feels as crappy about themselves as I do.
Akbar is back with his quotes. He calls Blind Erik the “ultimate athlete.” Akbar has played with Jerry Rice, Tim Brown and LaDainian Tomlinson and Erik is a better athlete because he is navigating in the dark. If anyone knows about Jerry Rice’s workout regiment, they may actually consider that harder than anything Erik is doing in the dark.
Fisherman Gus speaks!! First of all, of course there is a Fisherman named Gus. I think every third fisherman is actually called Gus. Second, Gus gets to speak and Lady Cop still gets nothing. I am now hoping she never speaks all season long.