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Top Chef: All-Stars – Reunion – Did Padma Say What I Think She Just Said?


Boy, what a week. Work was nuts, wife was away, the kid and I went to see “Hop,” saw a minor league baseball game and took a tour of the White House. Potentially the only two people in America who managed that trifecta. But, though late, here are the Top Chef: Reunion thoughts, and hopefully a the new season of Masters to follow…

• First, the title. During one of the inane lines of questioning provided by The Bravo Guy Who Must Not Be Named, Padma was asked which All-Stars she would date. She said Elia and Casey. Padma and Casey. My brain just short circuited. Surely that mental image will be all the lustful torture my lady will do to me. Oh wait, she wants to motorboat Antonia. Forget what I said before, it was that thought that incapacitated me for the last several days. If you don’t know what “motorboat” means, and can’t use your imagination to figure it out, check it out. Don’t worry, it is just a definition, it is safe for work.
• The other big thing – Tom’s smackdown of Elia. So, after she got booted – and did so in such a classy manner (it wasn’t) – she badmouthed Tom in the press. She essentially said he was a “sell-out” and how he uses corn-fed beef in his restaurant, is a suck-up to the corn syrup industry thanks to his Diet Coke commercials, and blows off farmers markets. Elia claims to have gone into Tom’s kitchen and got the low down from a sous chef. Tom basically called foul – and I totally back Tom here – and fired back, “I buy more from small farmers than you will in your life.” Tom pitches Diet Coke because he drinks it. He sells it in his restaurant, as do the vast majority of the All-Stars. And most telling, Tom reminds Elia and the others, that he has been to all of their restaurants and has never commented about it to reporters. Implication – some of your food has sucked, but I keep it to myself. So suck it.
• Is it just me wishing that Tom and I share thoughts, or does he barely contain his disdain for Bravo Guy?
• Blais was haunted by his S4 loss, but is happier to have won here rather than back then. Mike wishes he won in S4. Heh. Blais remembers being in Padma’s arms after learning he won. Lucky man, that Blais.
• Antonia found it easier to lose on the one bite rather than in a landslide. Interesting, most competitors will say that, but most fans will say the opposite.
• MONTAGE 1 – Mike being gross. We saw much of this already this season, except the shots of Mike scratching his crotch. Just when he started being somewhat likable, this happens. At least it provides the counter weight to Padma and Casey.
• On Jen’s breakdown, Gail said, “I can’t believe it took so long for someone to get that mad.” She has a point, but it was still a bit embarrassing for Jen, who was clearly embarrassed by her poor showing. This comment from Gail came after more gushing over the pepperoni sauce.
• MONTAGE 2 – Angelo’s tight pants. Among the comments – “He’s rocking the creepy Pee Wee Herman,” (redundant?), “He’s got an avocado in his pants,” “He’s wearing Padma’s pants,” “Those are more like walnuts, Mike.” And Dale had the best one – “I feel a lot uglier being around him.”
• MONTAGE 3 – Jamie’s pathetic showing. Blais – “She’s like an octopus. Once in a while, she crawls out, cooks some chick peas, and crawls back in her hole.” Tre on Jamie (whiny voice) – “Awwww….we got to cook today…” Jamie admits to stopping watching the show because it was too painful to watch. She further defends her decision to get stitches in her thumb rather than cook – “I have a small thumb, I’m a small person.” Lame.
• MONTAGE 4 – The Bromances. A word I hate, but there you go. Blais and Fabio, and Mike and Angelo. I won’t mock much – the Blais/Fabio friendship was one of my favorite parts of the season. Fabio being Italian and kissing him all the time, Blais saying in an interview how impressed he was by Fabio and how surprised he was that he became his best friend. Blais even wore Fabio’s apron after Fabio’s elimination. Awww. Fabio comment – “His (Blais’) wife and I have an agreement, when he’s coming to the West Coast he’s mine.”
• MONTAGE 5 – The Black Hammer. Yes, Antonia, it is a thing. We watch clips from S4 – she partnered with Nimma, Valerie and Zoe, and they all get booted, with Zoe saying she was “obviously” going home. Bravo with some fun graphics, slapping a “OBVIOUSLY HAMMERED” over Zoe. Then in All-Stars – Miami Dale (HUMBLY HAMMERED), Jamie and SF Tiff (DOUBLE HAMMERED), Jen (BITTERLY HAMMERED), Casey (EFFING HAMMERED), and DC Tiff (BAHAMIAN HAMMERED). Hysterical.
• MONTAGE 6 – Fabio being Fabio. Blais called him “the most interesting man in the world.” He butchered a lamb when he was nine, he and his family performed on almost every imaginable Italian National team. Some great lines – “…the tuna looked like a school girl,” and “…the services was frog ass tight.” And of course, Booooorger.
• MONTAGE 7 – Elmo Loves You. Elmo, Cookie and Telly messing with Padma. Comic gold. Elmo telling Riley Blais he loves her – sweetness gold.
• Dale on Padma and the museum full of kids – “She just saw the next 10 years of her life pass before her face.” And she’d still be fabulous.
• MONTAGE 8 – The Marcel Rap. Put it on a plate. For the People
• The Chicken Oyster – no more is needed on this. Blais doesn’t take offense, and neither should we.
• MONTAGE 9 – The Judges cut loose. Ripert talking about his breasts. Padma drunk on two gin and tonics. Lorraine Bracco teasing a makeup artist regarding her own breasts.
• Best meals of the year – Dale’s egg at Wylie’s place, Carla’s pot pie, Blais’ hamachi, and Mike’s beach meal.
• MONTAGE 10 – Judges being tough – much of it being from Bourdain. They involve crap, Howard Johnson’s, clumpy arm pit hair, a colonoscopy and Paula Deen’s gasoline enema!
• MONTAGE 11 – Hootie Hoo! Carla being a muppet. Then again, that is basically Carla. I’vebeentalkingaboutchickenpotpieforaweek!!!

That’s it folks – of course, Top Chef never really goes away. As Masters begins, um, now!

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