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Top Chef: Just Desserts – Ep 5 – You Don't Win Friends With Salad


As you know, I have positive grades to give Top Chef: Just Desserts as a whole. It has taken the successful Top Chef formula, and combined it with dessert making, an oft-seen Achilles Heel for Cheftestants. However, I have a complaint now, and it is not the fault of the show structure or set-up.

I just don’t want any of these people to win. Eight chefs remain for this episode, and I can safely say that there are only two of them that if they won it would make me smile. That’s not to say that some of the other six wouldn’t be totally deserving, and I often root for that person in these shows, it’s just that I just don’t like them enough to even fall back on that. I have reached the point where I want to smack Yigit, Zac and Morgan upside the head every time they open their mouths. And Heather H isn’t exactly far behind at this point. Among my many rules towards being not-annoying, is that nobody is allowed to call themselves “diva.” The mere act of dubbing yourself a diva, doesn’t make you a diva, it makes you an arrogant pain in the ass.

And Morgan, I don’t know what to tell you, but the more you talk the more I feel like I need a shower. I actually agreed with the judges this week – I thought his “dress” was outstanding, and I am completely impressed that he seemed to finish it a week before everyone else. However, boy, the creepy factor just keeps rising.

And, note to Heather H…stop being Gretchen from “Project Runway”. You are talented and I want to root for you, but just because someone else wins doesn’t mean you have to cry foul. I have already had enough of Gretchen hating on Michael C (yeah, I watch that show, so what), I don’t need you to make me start rooting for Morgan. I want to like you, your backstory is awesome and you make very nice desserts (her dress was my second favorite this week), but between the bitchiness and the diva crap, my patience is running thin.

Other Heather and Danielle made salads this week. On a show about making desserts. The last time I checked, there were not any leeks in my favorite cakes and pies. To quote Bart and Homer, you don’t win friends with salad, and you certainly don’t win a sweets-making competition with it either. And, Bitchy Heather was right, Danielle’s looked like it was made for a sixth-grade art project. A carrot slice necklace? Really?

So that leaves Eric and Erika – which sounds like a bad Ed Wood sequel. Erika seems most likely of the two to win, but the Zen Baker would be a much more satisfying winner as he would really be a triumph of the underdog. Not Underdog, but that would be more interesting to watch than Yigit’s smug face any day of the week.

One more thing before the food…

Top Chef producers, if I wanted to recap Project Runway, I would have asked Architeuthis if I could hone in to that beat (not that I need to – check out the great articles). However, I don’t want to. As you already know, I possess very little knowledge of food, but I do like to eat. I have even less knowledge in fashion, and have no interest in learning any. I watch Runway with my wife and enjoy it for what limited appeal the dressmaking has to me. Oh, and Heidi Klum is in it.
So imagine my surprise when this week’s cooking challenge turned out to be a fashion challenge. I know from watching all of those goofy cake competition shows on the Food Network that you can do some incredible things with desserts, and so making a dress and two accessories is a decent challenge. However, I’d much rather watch a “make the best Hogwarts castle cake” challenge rather than make a dress. Of course, as I have said before, I am certainly not Bravo’s target audience. Not a lot of straight guys my age getting excited over women’s shoes…well, except for Morgan.

Not a bad challenge, but not one that really interested me, nor do I really know how to review the dresses. I’ll just say this:
Liked – Morgan and Heather – Morgan’s looked glamerous and Heather’s looked classy and challenging
Respected – Erika, Zac and Yigit – Erika’s was technicially ok, but kinda boring. Zac’s was crazy, but kinda stupid. Yigit’s was modeled on Bjork’s Oscar dress, so by definition it was ridiculous, if well-constructed.
Felt Bad For – Eric and his sad cookie dress. Dude was in waaaaay over his head on this one.
Confused – Danielle and Heather C made their dresses out of vegetables. Again, Top Chef: Just Desserts. Not Top Chef: Salad Bar.

So, at least Eric got a pass for actually making baked goods for his challenge (and his side cheesecake was pretty darn good). The question was, which salad girl was going home. I think Danielle’s red devil cake handbag put her through for the round, while Heather C’s chocolates were rather dull. So she is gone. Again. Hopefully for good. Seriously, she’s like Jason, you can’t kill her.


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