home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: A Guy's A Pimp — A Girl's A Ho

And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: A Guy's A Pimp — A Girl's A Ho

How sad. To begin this week, we repeat the end of [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1878]last week, [/url]with Vincenzo sadly sitting on the couch, sipping what I’m guessing is the last drops of RonRon Juice out of a shiny red cup while his date has ditched him for the second time in one day. Sigh. The moral of the story: not even a big schlong will guarantee you a date.

SloppyRon and Sam receive thanks and praise for being hospitality at Angelina’s non-boyfriend Jose’s birthday dinner at the restaurant where the waiter gives everyone high fives. When Ang and Sam go to the bathroom, Jose asks SloppyRon what he thinks of Angelina hooking up with other guys while she asked Jose not to go with other girls. This tidbit of information is new to SloppyRon. Jose understands they are not exclusive, but does not understand why she asked him not to go with other girls while she gets with guys.

SloppyRon cannot wait to tell Sam this hot gossip so he stage-whispers the whole thing to her on their walk back while Ang and Jose are not even five feet ahead of them. Sam believes Ang is her friend, and Ang believes SloppyRon and Sam are her best friends in the house, but Sam believes nothing Ang says. Which is a really good way to have a friendship.

DJP is back home with his date and they’re talking to Vincenzo. Their date went great, as seen by his not trying to sleep with her.

Because he cannot see good flowers go to waste, when SloppyRon gets back to the house with everyone, he leaves money on the smush bed and takes the flowers Vincenzo had bought for the girl who stood him up. He gives them to Sam who points out that he didn’t pick them out and they are for another girl. SloppyRon says that point is that he paid for them. This? Is romance!

When everyone goes to bed, Angelina asks Jose where he wants to sleep. He wants to stay in the smush room so Ang remakes the bed while complaining about its grime. Jose wants birthday sex. Ang is tired and on the rag. He’s attractive but because she’s the woman she chooses when to have sex with a guy, which will be “in a minute” while he repeats to her “I’m waiting for you” until the minute turns into the entire night and he is left with a huge hard-on and no humping. She’s not in love with him, but she likes him a whole lot.

Then Ang tells Sitch in the living room that she smashed Jose in the smash room last night. Sam asks, You guys smashed? She says yup. Vincenzo and DJP explain that Jose wanted to simply get it in because once she told Jose that she hooked up with Vincenzo, he knew she was easy.

A few things wrong with this:

1. Jose thinks she made out with Vincenzo, not slept with him, though Ang didn’t tell them all that.

2. Ang did not sleep with him though she’s lying to say that she did, meaning that she slept with one guy one night and another guy another night, and now everyone is calling her a ho because they all have a double-standard.

3. Ang tells them all she slept with Jose to get them to shut up about her not sleeping with him, but now they’re on her case about being a slutbag. At least they’re not talking about the [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1876]Fossil watch[/url] anymore.

DJP and J-WoWW scoop at the gelato shop. Rocio, the girl DJP went out with, shows up to have a cup of gelato and a side of DJP wit. He doesn’t want her to become a stalker, but so far, she’s not one nor is she a whore. They both get back to work. This is disturbingly normal.

J-WoWW calls home and the following awkwardness ensues:

J: Hi is Nicole there?
Angelina: Yeah who’s this?
J: It’s Jenni.
Angelina: Oh it’s Angelina.
J: Can you wake her up for a nail appointment?

What the?

Anyway, Ang says she’ll try to wake Snooki up but when J-WoWW gets home, Snooki is still in bed and it’s Ang’s fault. DJP says he’ll wake Snooki up. He drags her out of bed by her feet and then picks her up and drops her on the beanbag chair, all the while not looking at her hoo-ha that is hanging out.

Because Tom is coming to visit J-WoWW, she and Snooki go get their nails and eyebrows done. Then Snooki goes back to bed. Really, how can one person sleep so much? J-WoWW is giddy when Tom arrives and they’re all over each other like a new couple.

He’s there for about five minutes when he goes through J-WoWW’s phone book—and might I say, I still find it funny that they all have to have phone books since they can’t have cell phones—and finds a number for a guy he’d asked her not to take down. So Tom decides he’s done with everything and wants to leave. He storms outside. She follows him. He tries to leave. She stops him. He goes inside to the bathroom. Then Vincenzo bangs on the wall and tells him to come out and say hi.

How much do we love Vincenzo’s timing this season? First he’s dancing by Ang and Jose while she tells Jose that Vincenzo and she hooked up. Now this. Priceless.

J-WoWW whispers that Tom just tried to leave but before Vincenzo can get the story, Tom comes out and shakes his hand and says hi.

Then, to make up, Tom and J-WoWW lie on her bed and pick each other’s noses. I am not kidding.

Angelina’s friend Gina comes to visit. She gives Ang a bunch of dresses and jewelry that Ang’s mom sent. Ang’s mom calls and she thanks her mom and then starts bawling. Gina takes the phone while Ang goes in the other room to cry. Gina tells her mom that Ang is crying and her mom says, I don’t want her cryin’—you think the dresses are too tight? HIL. AIR. EEE. US!

Once Snooki wakes up, she and J-WoWW dye their hair and share stories of injuring their vagina bones while on bicycles.

Then, it’s t-shirt time. This was once fun. Now? It’s the most annoying thing I’ve heard on television. Then the cabs arrive. And it’s time to get drunk, get your dance on, and possibly get laid.

At the club, Ang dances with the guy that Snooki had gotten with, that Dennis guy. Snooki thinks Ang is a pathetic sloppy-second lover.

Then a lot of guys talk to Snooki and they are all gross and she has no luck. She calls them grenade grundle chodes. They call her beautiful and ask if she wants to party and she says thank you and then fuck my life.

Sitch finds himself with a hot model who can’t get enough of him. She throws herself at him. He wants to handle his business right away. They head to the bathroom. As soon as they shut the stall door, security shouts that they can have only one person in the bathroom at a time. So then they have to leave the bathroom and Sitch finds the guys to say he has to leave immediately because he already found his girl.

Then? His girl goes missing. She is nowhere. The club closes down and Sitch has no girl. How does that happen? One second, there’s a girl so ready to fuck your brains out in a bathroom stall and the next, she’s gone. Where did she go? No, really, where did she go?

Once home, Sam and SloppyRon agree that they are great again and they have found the love they had had in Jersey.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen over some messy pasta and pizza, DJP accuses Ang of talking to Snooki’s guy. Ang says she was talking to her friends and dancing near the guy. DJP says that a bazillion other people saw her talking to and dancing with the guy. She gets mad and he says that if she wants him to stay out of it, she should tell him so. So Ang tells him to stay out of her business. Too late.

J-WoWW and Tom decide to do it in her bedroom instead of the smash room (since when is it smash? all this time, it was smush). Snooki, drunk, pulls off their covers and grabs their feet. Then she realizes that the two of them are having sex so she runs away and climbs into Vincenzo’s bed. He comes in and pushes her over, allowing her to stay but asking for some room. Then he whips her across the head with his arm.

The next day, DJP and Sitch get their GTL on. At the dry cleaner, Sitch can’t find his clothes. The lady reminds him that he picked them up yesterday. She says, Remember, Situation! Oh, man, I love this. When they get back, they see a note taped to their door: Samantha (we met at the club last night) My number <3 At first, Vincenzo and DJP think it’s a note for Sam from some dude she met at the club. It’s such girly handwriting. How could that be from a dude unless he got his girlfriend to write it? Sitch explains, That’s my girl from last night. She found him. I’m sure it’s not hard to find where the cameras are. Sitch hangs it on the fridge. He deciphers that it means she wants to bang real quick. Again, romance! DJP decides to use the note to his advantage. He leaves it on Sam’s pillow. She goes into the room and reads it and gets flustered. This is why DJP knows how to play a joke. He follows her in immediately and starts laughing right away, saying Just kidding. He explains who the note is from and for and she actually laughs. Proving once again that we must love DJP even though he refers to having sex with girls as “getting to the business.” Vincenzo and DJP go to the beach and play in the water. Ang and her friend go to the beach and lay out on the sand. Both pairs ignore each other. Then DJP buries Vincenzo in the sand and some girls come over to give him sand boobs. He jumps out of the sand on command and then wants his towel which DJP has also buried. Meanwhile, Sitch is at the house, flexing outside in the reflection of the glass doors. This is apparently how to pre-game for a phone call because then he goes inside and calls the girl from the night before who left the note. He says, Hey Baby and she says, Hiiiii, and after she says she doesn’t have plans, he says So you have plans with me now, and then he asks her to meet him before they go out and then tells her that she can sleep over after the club and the girl says Okaayyy yeay! Sam, listening in on the couch, sighs and moans and can’t believe he’s talking to the girl like that and the girl is falling for it. This from the girl who is now dating the guy who dry humped the air while speaking Spanish and conveniently forget that he triple-kissed so that he could ask the next morning if he did so, but I guess we all have our limits. Sitch cleans the entire house except for the kitchen sink so that his girl doesn’t see the grossness. This is much more than what Ang did when she noted the dirt and said she was going to clean, but then got distracted by her friend’s phone call and suggestion to go to the beach. He gets grossed out when he gets to the bathroom and finds a used maxi pad near the garbage, and somehow, after he shows it to J-WoWW and Tom, they all know it’s Ang’s. Sitch’s take: I know that every month there’s a situation, but take care of it. Does anyone else find it HIL. AIR. EEE. US. that he refers to girls’ getting their periods monthly using the same word he uses to refer to himself and his abs? Sitch decides to put the maxi pad under Ang’s pillow. He keeps calling it a tampon. That would be grosser. When the three of them meet up with Vincenzo and DJP, he tells them the story of the dirty tampon, which is really a pad. At the beach, Ang and her friend meet a guy and bring him back to the house. She shows the guy the house and then gasps that she has to check her bed and her belongings because she thinks Sitch messed with her stuff. I don’t know why she suddenly thinks something is wrong. She is tired of Sitch being a prankster even though this is less than a prank and more of a complaint about her being careless about where she throws her period-related items, which I don’t think she left on the floor on purpose (though she should have checked to make sure it was in the garbage before leaving the bathroom). Sitch asks Ang to clean the dishes when she gets a chance because he cleaned the rest of the house. Ang says that she took the garbage out earlier. This from the girl who said as soon as she stepped into the house, wow someone cleaned. Yes, Ang, we heard that and it’s on record. They get into a fight about her maxi-tampon and her whoring. Ang tells Sitch that he shouldn’t talk to her like that in front of her friends because he looks like an ass. He calls her a dirty little hamster and she calls him Popeye on crack. Then Sitch reminds her she slept with Jose and she says she didn’t and calls him a moron. So now she is flat out lying and not caring because she explicitly said she DID sleep with him and now she’s saying she DIDN’T. Not that it is anyone’s business who sleeps with her, but it is one big fat lie. Meanwhile, her new friend on the couch smiles uncomfortably and offers, Just chill. Sitch goes outside as they yell at each other and Ang gets up to yell more and then. Credits. As the hands go up, we get credits. Next week, we get fights and sex moans. See how they know how to tease? :banana4:


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