home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: Everyone Smushes Everyone Else

And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: Everyone Smushes Everyone Else

Let’s start off with a little piece of awkwardness: after a drunken night of hooking up with Vincenzo, Angelina answers the phone to hear Vincenzo’s mom on the other end of the line. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!

Snooki is upset that Angelina hooked up with Vincenzo because the two of them don’t even like each other. She thinks Angelina is a whore.

In the living room, DJP and Sitch ask Angelina if she smushed. She says no. Then Sitch calls her a hypocrite because during the day, she talked shit about Vincenzo and then at night she smushed him.

Meanwhile, Vincenzo is happy his mom is coming over because she will clean and bring everyone whatever they want. He looks through the kitchen for cups and DJP asks if he likes to visit the Staten Island Dump this time of year. SI Dump being the code term for Angelina. Angelina laughs at this, proving once again how much self-esteem she has.

Sitch harps on Angelina for proving the Ho Equation by denying Jose’s romantic moves and smashing the guy she hates instead. JWoWW, just catching up to things, asks, you had sex with Vinny last night? Heeheheeeeeee. Angelina affirms that she’s single; what else was she supposed to do? Umm, maybe get some self-esteem and realize you’re worth the time and effort Jose is putting into showing you he likes you and not brush him off and self-sabotage.

JWoWW and Sitch thought she was dating Jose. He points out that Angelina was going to buy Jose a birthday gift. This is the type of gift she gives him. They don’t approve of her gifts. Okay, that’s kinda funny. DJP thinks Angelina should call Jose right now before he buys her another Fossil watch. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!

DJP does not like working at the gelato place but he’s really good at it. He uses the place to pick up girls. While he and Vincenzo work, Vincenzo’s mom and the fam walk in, and that includes Uncle Nino, who is apparently a big surprise.

Snooki wants to vomit because the guy she hooked up with then hooked up with Angelina. She pouts over drinks with JWoWW. Snooki thinks Angelina got her sloppy seconds and must be a loosey goose because he got it in. Her words, not mine, but I kinda wish they were mine. Remember, Vincenzo has a great big dong. Apparently, he did not get it all the way in with Snooki from the way she’s talking. He owes her a big thank you for this kind of advertising. JWoWW is sick of Angelina playing both sides of the house and hopes Jose finds out what she did.

Vincenzo’s mom unloads a suitcase of food at their house. Sitch tells him he’s lucky to have a mom like that. She gives him an Entemenn’s cake that is his favorite along with bottled water and enough food to feed the house a five course meal.

Jose shows up in the house and meets Vincenzo’s mom. Angelina introduces him as, what I think she says, her boyfriend. Vincenzo’s mom wishes him a happy birthday. Sitch wants Angelina to man up and tell Jose what she did.

This is the main problem with everyone—no one can stay out of anyone else’s business. In Sammi’s case, her friends kept something from her. That’s different. Here, no one likes Angelina and no one is friends with Jose, so stay out of it. Eventually, he’ll see it on television and find out for himself. Hopefully, by that time, they won’t have babies together.

In an effort to prove she can cook I’m guessing, Sammi tells Vincenzo’s mom she’ll do whatever she can to help. Mama tells her to dice the brushutto. Then she tells Angelina to bread the chicken cutlets. Several times.

Uncle Nino shows up and kisses everyone, including the guys because that’s what Italian men do. The house is louder than usual. DJP calls him an OG, original guido. He speaks half English half Italian. Vincenzo explains that you understand the last two words of everything his says five minutes later. That’s about right. He toasts to everyone at the table and gives Snooki and JWoWW kisses.

They have meal in courses at the table. Mmm, this is such a great meal. They have a lot of pasta. They take a break and then have meats and then veggies. They take another break. SloppyRon airs out the bathroom. Then they have milk and yodels, the way Italians always do.

Later on, Uncle Nino gets into the hot tub upon JWoWW’s invite. SloppyRon calls it a creepy scene as JWoWW, Snooki, Angelina, Vincenzo, and Uncle Nino climb into the Jacuzzi. If it’s creepy for SloppyRon, then you know it’s really creepy. Angelina hits Snooki in the head with a volleyball. She doesn’t want to start a fight in front of the family. Angelina curses in front of them. Snooki steams angrily and fixes her hair angrily but says nothing.

Vincenzo’s family leaves the house with Uncle Nino suggesting he does the ladies as much as he can.

Inside, everyone is suffering from post-meal drowse and chunk. Angelina calls Jose to say she can’t meet up with him because she doesn’t trust Sitch to keep his trap shut. The gang goes out and Angelina grinds on a lot of guys. A bunch of blondes jump on DJP and Sitch so they put them on the backburner. And then, I’m not kidding you, DJP and Sitch have a strategy session about what girls to take home with them. They need to figure out exactly which girls are DTF because it’s Saturday night, I suppose the last night of the weekend, and they can’t mess around before the weekend is over—they need to fuck fast and fuck hard, dammit! This is also HIL.AIR.EEE. US!!!!! I mean, who does that? Aside from the Down To Fuck Duo, who has a strategy session in the middle of a club about who to bring home?

DJP finds a girl with an ass you would read about and nice boobies so he decides she’s DTF and wants to take her home.

Angelina finds a guy named Alex and figures since she’s single, she wants to hook up with him. Jose who?

Sitch likes the blonde whom Vincenzo was talking to so he goes over and talks to her. She wants to know where Vincenzo is since she met him before meeting Sitch. He tells her not to worry about it. She dances with Sitch and then Sitch wags his finger at Vincenzo who mopes away That’s a really shitty thing to do. BTW—while he’s mackin’ on this girl, standing right next to him is DJP in the same position with the nice ass-nice boobies girl. These guys do nothing separately.

Remember the Ambiguously Gay Duo from SNL? It’s kinda like that, without the gay stuff. Well, there is some man-love, but that’s Sitch’s hetero-man-crush on DJP that emerges from time to time.

Anyway, on the walk home, Sitch and the blonde have an intensely profound conversation about who’s gonna get what first that ends with him getting her ass.

JWoWW calls Tom to tell him she waited an hour to get home but the case is that she’s going to cook meatballs and go to bed. This is sweet. I’m not being sarcastic. I love that she calls him to tell him she got home.

Snooki pouts that Angelina is a whore because she picks up guys and still talks to Jose who is a nice kid. Angelina has brought home Alex from the club. Because she’s single, dammit, and that’s what single girls do!

Sitch and DJP come into the house with their girls and the four of them head to the bedroom. Each chick has each guy’s sweatpants on. Then they all get to the business. Sitch and the blonde roll around on the bed with clothes on. DJP calls him super-obnoxiously aggressive which works to DJP’s advantage because they are in the same room and DJP acts sweet and gentle, in opposition to that.

Does anyone else find this slightly disturbing?

Then the girl in Sitch’s bed, after they’ve gotten under the covers, decides that she needs to climb out of bed. She says she shouldn’t be doing that and leaves the room. The girl with DJP climbs out from next to him to on top of him to look at Sitch. Sitch asks if the blonde has a boyfriend and she nods yes.

Disturbed yet?

Sitch thinks it’s a buzzkill. It sure it. He points out that after all that, she starts to feel guilty, instead of feeling guilty at the club when he was smackin’ that ass.

Let’s all pause in awe of that moment of practical logic.

DJP and Sitch laugh in the kitchen, DJP claiming that he was gonna get it in. Sitch knows that but wishes that DJP had given him a heads up that the blonde had a boyfriend. DJP replies, they both do. Oh, okay.

Neither guy gets it in. On the blonde’s way out, she says bye to Vincenzo. That’s kinda funny.

Inside, DJP goes through all his numbers and he and Sitch decide to call girls to get them to come over. At 6 in the morning. Because it’s Saturday (technically Sunday) and they can’t mess around. DJP isn’t sure if a girl who comes over at 6:30 in the morning would be DTF. He gets a girl on the phone and tells her to come over to cuddle and to bring a hot friend for Sitch to cuddle with him. Sitch gets on the phone to instruct that she must bring a friend who is not a grenade.

As Sitch makes breakfast, the doorbell rings. These girls actually show up. They got a phone call at 6 AM and they actually climbed out of bed and headed over to a guy’s house. To cuddle. Upon demand. Sitch takes his shirt off to go open the gate. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Who does this? Is this what really happens in the world?

Okay, so here’s a very funny, very messed up state of affairs: DJP’s girl shows up all hoarse-throated and informs Sitch that all her friends are grenades so she didn’t bring anyone for him.

That is so messed up on so many levels and is probably one of the most HIL. AIR. EEE. US. things I’ve seen on tv in a long time. Dang, it’s been too long since I’ve used HIL. AIR. EEE. US. and this episode is surely making up for it. Sitch goes to smash himself and is upset because DJP brought home a girl and he didn’t and that never happens. Sitch eats an egg sandwich while DJP and his girl get it on. At one point, Sitch offers DJP half the sandwich and DJP and the girl laugh.

No, really, no one else is disturbed?

After that, DJP, Vincenzo, and Sitch go to the beach. But the daytime isn’t as juicy so let’s cut to later on.

Angelina asks Sitch to not say anything to Jose about her and Vincenzo. He jokes around about what he would say. She calls Jose and tells him where to meet her. The gang goes to a club and Jose meets up. He’s soooooo happy and smitten and loveable. She’s all over him, which JWoWW thinks is out of guilt. Sitch asks Angelina if she told Jose about Vincenzo yet and she shakes her head so Sitch tells Jose that Angelina has something to tell him. He tells her she better not be playin’ with him. She says she didn’t. He persists so she says that she hooked up with Vincenzo.

Angelina apologizes to Jose. Jose didn’t want to know that. And here’s the most absolutely HIL. AIR. EEE. US. part, even more so than the thing with the girl calling her friends grenades and not bringing anyone for Sitch. While Jose and Angelina are having this discussion, Vincenzo comes by them, dancing with his hands thrown up in the air, a huge smile on his face, no cares in the world. It’s perfection. Absolute perfection. I don’t care if he was cued by producers or cut in by editors, it is the most entertaining thing around. Angelina tells Jose that she’s not a slut. She thinks she doesn’t have to tell anyone anything unless she’s married to him.

The two of them go outside, presumably to get away from The Incredible Dancing Vincenzo. Jose doesn’t know what to think of her now and doesn’t want to look like an asshole. Angelina points out that some people think hooking up means kissing and some think it means having sex. Jose thinks it’s kissing and so she decides to go with that.

Later on, at another club, Vincenzo sees the most beautiful girl in Miami. [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1876]Aside from the girl he found last week[/url]. He gets her number because she’s everything he’s ever looking for and he could introduce her to his family.

DJP meets a cool down-to-earth Cuban girl, a wifey type he could bring home to his mother. She asks her to hang out the next day instead of taking her home because he wants to get to know her.

The next day, Vincenzo and DJP want to go out on dates. They don’t usually go out on dates, but they like these girls. Vincenzo calls Ramona and asks what she’s doing that night. She’s free. He tells her that he and his friend DJP with the spikey hair are going out to eat with DJP’s girl and asks if she’ll be his sympathy date. She says sure. Aw, that’s a sheepish way to ask a girl out.

DJP then calls his girl who is also free. He says he wants to take her out. He says that Vincenzo is going to take the girl out who Vincenzo is in love with. DJP says, So I want to take the girl out who I’m in love with…and you can come too. EVERYONE laughs, including the girl, and including me. Awwwwww, how can you not love DJP? They have a date with two of the rarest roses in Miami.

The two boys make reservations, get haircuts, and get new khakis and button-downs. They go to a florist and buy flowers. The boys carry all their new stuff back to the house and that’s when the phone rings. It’s Ramona. She tells Vincenzo—hey listen hey yeah huhhhhh. He goes, go ahead and tell me what you want to say. She says nothing. So he goes, you don’t want to come tonight? She says, Nooo, sorry. He says, it’s all right.

But it’s not all right. He slams the phone down on her. He walks outside and sits by himself in a small folding chair. DJP sighs loudly. Angelina kind of laughs but not a nasty laugh. More of a, huh? I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here. I don’t think even she would laugh at that. Because that? Sucks.

SloppyRon comes outside and brings a chair over. Vincenzo says he has nothing to talk about. SloppyRon says that he knows and Vincenzo doesn’t have to say anything. Vincenzo is upset because only on rare occasions does he treat a girl as well as he treats his mother. Slightly weird, but I know what he’s saying. DJP comes outside with his hair all askew and offers another chick. Vincenzo says he’s not in the mood. SloppyRon suggests he shower and go out with the other girl. Who knows, he might like her, and even if he doesn’t he can still fuck her.

Almost, ALMOST, came very close to moving SloppyRon back up on the humanity ladder.

Jose is at the house. He asks Angelina if they can hang in the smush room later. He admires the flowers that DJP got for the girl. Angelina tells Jose that DJP got and Vincenzo got flowers for two girls and Vincenzo’s girl ditched so she feels bad. Jose is like, so you got feelings for him? She’s like nooooooooooo.

Vincenzo then, for some unfathomable reason other than he’s a nice kid, calls Ramona to apologize for hanging up on her before. He tells her he was pissed about something else right before she told him and so her saying she couldn’t go made it worse so he hung up out of anger for both things. That? Is a great lie. He says he wants to still hang out with her. Just dinner. Please please please pretty please. He tells her he got her flowers. She uhs and ums and then says she’ll see him. He goes all right and they hang up.

While Jose gives DJP fashion advice—this is the funniest episode ever—Vincenzo comes in to report that Ramona will be attending dinner. He’s not excited until he sees her. Then he goes into his room and jumps up and down and smiles and giggles. He puts on his button down shirt and waits in the living room with DJP.

DJP’s girl gets to the house and they go to dinner and talk about how she has to sneeze and how they have different accents.

Vincenzo calls Ramona. The phone rings and rings. He gets voicemail. Vincenzo gets stood up. Everyone feels really bad for him and they don’t like the girl for playing him. He met her for about an hour at the club, so while it sucks and he can be upset, this should not be devastating. Angelina offers for him to go out and eat with her, Jose, Sammi, and SloppyRon. A nice gesture, but probably not helpful because she’s really offering for him to be a fifth wheel. What a downer.

Don’t cry for me Vincenzo. [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2666&forum=13&post_id=42212#forumpost42212]Chat in the forums.[/url]



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