home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: If You Have To Think About It, She's A Dude

And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: If You Have To Think About It, She's A Dude

Let’s start the night off right—Snooki is bored so the girls take shots while wearing sombreros and she manages to shoot a glassful of cigarettes. It’s gross. She then decides to test out all the boys’ beds. She climbs onto Vincenzo and he tells her to come spoon. Then they make out. Then they pull the covers over them. Morning comes and Snooki awakes in Vincenzo’s bed with his hand on her boob. She sneaks out to her own bed so no one knows what happened.

Until Snooki tells Sammi that she was in Vincenzo’s bed. She then explains what Vincenzo is packin’. Apparently, he’s huge.

Angelina, JWoWW, and Snooki walk to the beach and lay out in the sun and drink RonRon Juice. SloppyRon isn’t talking to them still and JWoWW threatens Angelina to not tell SloppyRon that they wrote it. JWoWW is pissed off that Sammi has low self-esteem and wants to stay with SloppyRon. Hang on. [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1866]I thought they broke up last week.[/url]

Sammi goes outside where Sitch is and he says, “It’s none of my business and he’s my boy but. . . he’s 100% wrong.” When Sammi says that SloppyRon doesn’t see that he’s wrong, Sitch says, “No, YOU don’t see it.” Then he goes on to explain that SloppyRon made her look stupid because he fucked up and she continues to want to be with him. She points out that Sitch said that SloppyRon didn’t do anything and Sitch asks her what was in the note and reminds her that the note is true no matter who wrote it. Sammi cries because now she knows that the note is true even after SloppyRon said point blank that he didn’t make out with anyone. She’s now done with it. Which is what she says every week.

Big points to Sitch for acting like an adult. I never thought this day would come.

That night, Snooki wants to tell Sammi that they wrote the note. Angelina insists that she’s not involved. JWoWW and Snooki say she is part of the note because she agreed to it even though she didn’t write it. Angelina says telling Sammi who wrote the letter isn’t necessary because Sammi is going to get back with SloppyRon no matter what.

Sitch overhears everything and goes inside to tell Sammi the girls are talking about her. So much for acting like an adult.

Angelina goes inside to fetch Sammi. Sammi refuses to go outside. If they want to talk to her, they can come to her. JWoWW wants to slap Sammi because Sammi won’t go inside. Snooki storms inside. JWoWW comes inside and tells Sammi that she’s fucked up for not going outside to talk to Snooki. Sammi yells that Snooki can talk to her. They exchange the mandatory Fuck you’s. Then JWoWW yells, “You’re a naïve bitch while your man is putting his dick into other bitches.” At this, Sitch’s jaw drops. What? Like that’s surprising coming from JWoWW’s mouth? I don’t get why JWoWW is so angry. Why is she yelling at Sammi? What does she care if Sammi continues to make a horrible decision and looks like a fool?

Sammi screams that as a friend, JWoWW should have told her something. JWoWW screams that seven people in the house know and they all told her to be careful. That’s not true. SloppyRon wouldn’t tell her to be careful of dating him because he’s shady and triple kissing and [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1853]dry humping the air while speaking Spanish[/url]. Sammi screams that JWoWW and Snooki are the closest to her and they didn’t say anything.

SloppyRon finally pipes up from the couch to explain that he was single at the time. What the? THAT’S what he thinks is the problem here? The problem is that he was hooking up and then climbing into bed with her afterwards. Or is that not the problem? I think that’s a big problem. Anyway, Sammi then says that she appreciates whoever wrote the note and wants to know who did it. SloppyRon chimes in to ask the same question.

Shut. Up. Sloppy. Ron.

No one fesses up to writing the note. This is ridiculous. Who cares by this point? DJ Pauly says he didn’t do it. Sitch says it wasn’t her either. SloppyRon complains that if JWoWW was a real friend she would have said something when it happened. JWoWW says she wasn’t there but told Sammi to be careful. Sammi says it’s all embarrassing and goes to cry.

SloppyRon follows Sammi to the bathroom. She says she needs a minute. He says he’ll sit outside the bathroom and wait for her. She tells him not to and that she’s okay.

JWoWW and Snooki go into their room and complain that Sammi doesn’t appreciate the letter and they should never have done it. Sammi comes in and tells them she’s a mix of emotions and a legit mess and that’s why she’s not coming to them. She’s destroyed mentally and physically and she’s not herself and she feels betrayed because no one is manning up to the note. They stare at her silently.

Sammi then goes outside where Sitch is in the hot tub talking about how she got gangsta. SloppyRon asks if she’s okay. She says she looks like a fool. SloppyRon says that they got through it all and they are strong. Sammi says everyone is shady. SloppyRon asks, I’m shady?

Yes, SloppyRon. You define shady. You also define douche tool.

And now, for the return of [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1661]Vincenzo’s medical maladies.[/url] Last year, he suffered from a bout of pink eye after grinding through a rather larger woman’s legs in a club on the Jersey Shore. Now, he feels like he has sand in his eye. DJP rides along with him to the doctor and then accompanies him into the exam room. There, as the doctor looks into Vincenzo’s eye, DJP informs her that Vincenzo has a history of pink eye. Vincenzo starts laughing. The doctor says it’s not pink eye. DJP asks if she’s sure. She says she wishes she could do something but it’s a case of very dry eyes, not pink eye. DJP asks if they should then give Vincenzo pink eye.

Outside the exam room, one of the doctor’s office workers asks if they are both Italian. They say yes. The woman then asks Vincenzo, “But why are you so white?” That? Is Hil. Air. Eee. Us! DJP and Vincenzo crack up as they leave the office.

That night, they all go out. Angelina hangs out with a guy, Jose, she met at a club. Sitch finds a blonde who dances with him for five minutes and then leaves with him in a cab. During the ride, they make out and maybe she has her hand down his pants, too, because he adjusts his pants when he’s about to get out. The rest of the gang comes home and Sitch leaves the girl in his bedroom while he eats a plate of pasta. This idiot girl stays in his bed to wait for him.

I don’t know who’s worse right now—Sitch for making her wait or her for waiting.

Angelina makes her guy leave. She’s not gonna smush.

Then Sitch goes into his room and he has sex with the blonde. A few moments later, he comes out of his room and has a cigarette with SloppyRon while she rests in the bed. He returns and asks if she’s feeling okay. Then he tells her, “So, um, I got a taxi for you baby,” and kicks her out of the house. She waves to everyone as she leaves and then he proclaims, That’s how you get em out!

Might I point out he’s wearing a neon green t-shirt and red pants.

Remember how I gave Sitch kudos for acting like an adult? Yeah, that didn’t last even a full episode. No more kudos.

The next day, the girls have to go food shopping and cook because Sammi told the boys that the girls would take care of Sunday dinner. Snooki calls one of her exes to get a recipe and then she and JWoWW go buy the food, during which time Snooki loses the shopping list while buying pickles and olives in large jars. Sitch, Vincenzo, and DJP go to a diner to fill up on food in case the girls don’t deliver. They think that JWoWW might be able to cook something because she’s the oldest of the girls. Yeah, that’s logical.

When Snooki and JWoWW get home, they ask Angelina and Sammi to help bring in the groceries. Sammi and Angelina don’t feel like helping. JWoWW is pissed because she shopped for three to four hours and no one else wants to help now. Why it took that long to shop is beyond me. Sammi makes a salad to keep herself involved. JWoWW asks Angelina and Sammi to buy vodka and Sammi doesn’t feel like it.

JWoWW winds up doing most of the cooking. Snooki helps and sets the counter on fire when she pours vodka into a pan to make sauce. JWoWW cooks angrily. Then they all sit down to eat and are pleasantly surprised to find that it’s all edible and actually tastes good. Sammi purposely avoids any of the food that JWoWW made and eats only her own salad. DJP says that since they cooked so well, they can cook the rest of the week. Heh heh. The guys clean as they said they would.

JWoWW calls her boyfriend back home. She doesn’t think she’s friends with Sammi anymore because Sammi didn’t help cook. That’s a reason to end a friendship.

It rains. Angelina and Sammi go to scoop gelato. Sammi apologizes for being so rude to her at the beginning of the summer and now considers Angelina her friend. She’s pretty sure that the other girls wrote the note so she wants Angelina to be careful about who she trusts.

Really? NOW she’s THINKING that they girls wrote the note? Really? Really?

Angelina says that she wants to tell Sammi something but can’t. Sammi asks if JWoWW and Snooki wrote it. Angelina makes a face that says “yes” but she won’t say anything. She tells Sammi that Sammi can’t say anything because then Angelina’s life will be a living hell. Well, JWoWW did threaten her so yup, I can see this becoming a problem.

Back at home, Vincenzo gets some new bling—a long chain with a cross on it. He explains to JWoWW—it’s like your tits, great but fake. He’s a little nervous that Sitch’s sister is coming over even though he says he’s not. He’s got his spray tan and new chain so he’s confident Sitch’s sister will be diggin’ him again. She arrives, says hi to everyone, and then takes a tour of the house while Vincenzo sits on the couch with a silly grin on his face. He puts his new chain on for her to see when she comes back into the room. She walks right past him so he takes it off again.

Once again, the gang gets all gussied up and heads out to drink and dance. Vincenzo and Sitch’s sister dance a little and kiss a little. Meanwhile, Sitch is talking to another blonde. The gang is slightly amused and a little confused by his conversation with said blonde.

Cut to the montage: In Miami, they have a new phrase, If you have to think about it, it is….a tranny.

Sitch isn’t sure about how it happened but he’s a trooper and continues the hunt for girls, like real ones.

Snooki and JWoWW sit and complain that Sammi is pissing them off. She doesn’t appreciate the letter and she’s still with SloppyRon and looks like a fool.

1. How many times are we going to hear this?
2. Why do they get so angry that Sammi is making a fool of herself?
3. When did Sammi and SloppyRon get back together? No, really, someone please tell me because I think I missed it.

Then Snooki says, Let’s go to the bathroom; I have to dance. JWoWW takes a moment and answers, You have to go to the bathroom to dance?

So while they’re kinda drunk, DJ Pauly D on the Ones and Twos is the drunkest ever. His eyes are bugging out [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1841]even more than they did when he was yelling at Angelina[/url]. He can’t stand very well and, as SloppyRon points out, his hair is all messed up. His hair is NEVER messed up. He must be drunk. He makes out with Angelina in the cab home and she suggests that Sitch’s sister sleep in her bed while she climbs into DJP’s bed.

No matter how drunk DJP is, he remains on Angelina alert, proven by his bug-eyed look to Sitch that says, No no no no no. And now I love him even more.

When they get home, SloppyRon helps DJP into bed. He puts him face-down with one leg on the floor. I get the face-down. I’ve never heard the one-foot-off-the-bed rule. I guess it’s a good idea.

JWoWW calls her boyfriend to tell him she’s home. She mentions that DJP is throwing up. They say goodbye.

Angelina calls over SloppyRon and tells him that JWoWW called her boyfriend and was talking shit about DJP. Vincenzo has had enough of the lying and gossip in the house and says he heard the conversation and she didn’t say anything. Then he goes to tell JWoWW that Angelina just made up a lie about what she said. JWoWW storms in to ask what she said. She says she didn’t say anything. Vincenzo says that it’s all different now that JWoWW is in the room. Angelina calls Vincenzo an idiot. JWoWW wants to know why her conversation is even coming up.

Then, for no relevant reason other than people like to fight, Sammi asks why anyone cares. Then JWoWW asks if Sammi grew some balls and tells her to step up. Sammi doesn’t like JWoWW. JWoWW doesn’t like Sammi. Sammi asks, Who wrote the note?

I’m serious.

Then she answers herself while pointing at JWoWW and Snooki, saying, You two. JWoWW is like Sammi wanted to know everything and now she’s made that she does know the truth. Sammi says that it’s funny how people have become BLEEEEEP all of a sudden. I have no idea what the bleeped word is, but it sets JWoWW off. Like totally and completely off. JWoWW gets in her face and then grabs Sammi’s head on either side and pushes it back as if she’s giving her whiplash in slow motion.

Then there’s a lot of hair grabbing and smacking and pulling. JWoWW knocks Sammi to the floor. Angelina screams for it all to stop but can’t get into the middle of it. Sammi somehow gets to her feet but she goes after JWoWW again, which is not a smart move at all because JWoWW looks as if she’s going to scratch out everyone’s eyes. SloppyRon comes in yelling and then . . .

The fight continues next week. I can’t wait. I’m not one to pine after violence, but in the scenes from next week, somehow DJP arises from his drunken stupor to get into the mix. I really want to see how that happens and if his hair remains messed up while doing so.

Jump on the DJP and Vincenzo train. [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2666&forum=13&post_id=42212#forumpost42212]Chat in the forums.[/url]



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