home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: Boobs That Defy All Laws

And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: Boobs That Defy All Laws

Let’s jump right in, shall we? We start this week with a replay of [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1841]last week’s fight when Angelina slapped DJ Pauly D across the face[/url]. JWoWW hears all the yelling from outside and she comes down to the guys reporting that Angelina smacked Pauly across the face three times. Once was on her own and the two other times were weaker, fake slaps that DJP dared her to take. Angelina tells JWoWW that she didn’t smack him and it’s not her business anyway. The guys think Angelina is out of her mind. Because she is. And they don’t like her. Actually, now they really don’t like her and they aren’t going to tolerate her as they’ve been doing.

DJ P and Sitch are angry. Like really angry. DJP screams, Are you delusional? Then Angelina tries to yell it back, which is the fighting strategy of a three-year-old, but she can’t even do that right because she’s so drunk so she can’t say “delusional.” And that, my friends, is HIL. AIR. EEE. US! Actually, the hilarity is kind of mild since the guys are truly angry and anger don’t look pretty on nobody no way no how.

Pauly’s take on it: I’ve seen drunk before but that was like bipolar. I’ve never seen that before. I think that’s a problem.

Oh, he wins my heart over and over again every friggin’ week.

Angelina starts yelling about how DJP hooked up with a girl she was talking to all night. Wait a minute. What? Last week, we saw her yelling that she loved him and would marry him but now, in the SAME FIGHT, she’s jealous that he was talking to a girl that she was talking to. What the?

Sitch decides to go to sleep before his eyes pop out of his head. JWoWW pushes DJP into the house as Angelina tries to convince her she didn’t smack anyone. JWoWW tells her to wait for tomorrow because she’s drunk and JW won’t hit a drunk girl (unless JW is drunk too—I mean, we’ve seen that). DJP says that was crazy because he doesn’t get mad.

All that happens within the first five minutes of this episode. No joke.

And as a side note: Why is it okay that Angelina can put her hands one someone but someone puts his hands on Snooki, and all hell breaks loose? I’m not saying it was right for someone to hit Snooki. I’m saying it’s as wrong for someone to hit Pauly in that pretty face of his. No matter how weak the slap. And it is pretty weak.

JWoWW, Vinny, and SloppyRon go to scoop the gelato. The boss gives them shirts and hats. JW doesn’t like the uniform because her girls are suffocating. The boss teaches them to how make the gelato and how to clean the tables and how to cut the melon for blending. The boss wants to call Vinny “Vincenzo” and Vinny likes that because he wants to brush up on his Italian. Vincenzo loves his boss and is proud of his ice cream and introduces himself to every girl who walks into the shop because girls like ice cream.

Angelina is at home, sitting on the couch in her sunglasses, pretending not to remember what happened. Sitch tells her that she smacked DJP three times and screamed at DJP for hooking up with married girls. She hunts down DJP in his bedroom and fake cries, saying she was really drunk because she’s not comfortable and she doesn’t know what to do to make them accept her. He says after last night, she crossed a line, and now they can go their separate ways. She doesn’t understand what that means. He appreciates the apology but insists she go have fun away from him. He says he came to have fun. That’s not right—DJ Pauly D on the Ones And Twos came to do the business. You know, have sex. That’s what he always says.

Then he tells her that her fun conflicts with their fun. Heeheheeee. That’s too funny. He insists that he’ll be cool with her but he’s not going to recap the night. She gets all uppity that he won’t, basically, say what she wants him to. Hon, you slapped him in the friggin face. You’re lucky he can be in the same room with you right now.

Vincenzo needs a haircut. He has thick Sicilian hair. He needs a tape up. I don’t know what the hell that means. They go to a hood barber shop because anyone who can cut black people hair can cut his hair. Sloppy Ron goes with him and is nervous. Thankfully, their heads come out lookin’ great and faded. The hood is where it’s at.

Back at home, Sammi and SloppyRon hug and snuggle and Sammi is loving it. She thinks things are going good.

Sitch finds Angelina sleeping in her bed. He knows she’s not acting like herself and starts to feel bad for her. He calls everyone into the back and suggests that the girls take her in because he and DJP can’t take her to the gym or go get a haircut with the guys. He suggests they all push the bullshit aside. JWoWW wants her to fess up to the shit talking and then they can be cool. He goes back inside and invites Angelina out with the rest of them.

Snooki gets into an animal print tight dress and puts up the poof, which she hasn’t been rockin’ lately, and Vincenzo tells her she looks hot. She asks if he’s trying to smush. That makes sex sound even dirtier, doesn’t it. Then he calls after JWoWW that she forgot her shirt. Hahahahhahahaaaaaa. She’s wearing a kind of boob drapery. It’s gold lamee kinda draped over her boobs and then around her neck so that her inner boobage shows, but nipple never appears. It’s fascinating. I think double-stick tape could be involved, but maybe there’s like a secret nipple magnet built into the shirt or something. Is it even a shirt? I don’t know, but she’s got some balls to wear it. Or, in this case, boobs. I don’t have boobs like that. In comparison, I don’t have boobs.

Angelina sits by herself staring at the rest of them at the club. Snooki feels bad because she was in the same position at the beginning last summer when she got really drunk when no one knew her yet. She suggests to Angelina that she admit that she talked shit about people and then apologize about it. So Snooki is happy that she said it and they hug it out. Angelina goes to JWoWW to admit that she said stuff and apologize. JW accepts it but they don’t hug it out because, well, JWoWW doesn’t seem like a hugger and her boobs might come out if she does.

SloppyRon gets wasted pretty quickly and dances with his own hand. Then he tries to give Sammi a lap dance. Then he accuses her of having a horrible time and tells her she’s a fucking bitch and tells her to go home. Sure, she wasn’t enjoying the sloppy drunk lap dance, but she also wasn’t doing anything to constitute that outburst. He needs therapy. And maybe AA. Sammi finds the girls and leaves in a cab with Angelina and goes to sleep.

Back at the club, the guys dance with a bunch of girls. Snooki, who stayed behind, sees SloppyRon dancing with and making out with another girl. Snooki asks SloppyRon if he’s sure he wants to do what he’s doing and asks where Sam is. He tells Snooki he told Sammi to go home because the whole time she was “na na na na na.” So apparently, Sammi joined a doo-wop group while in the club and SloppyRon wasn’t a fan. Snooki tells him to have a line and he says he didn’t cross it and is trying to have a good time and tells Sitch not to snitch. Snooki asks DJP if she should tell Sammi and DJP says he doesn’t know and it’s not his place to say. In other words, he’s a guy, not a girl, and he’s not getting into it, but he knows it’ll come out now that Snooki’s seen it.

Snooki tells SloppyRon that she has to tell Sammi. He thinks she should stay out of it and so he pushes her. The first push, it’s like a friend push, like a get-out-of-town push. Then he pushes her again, hard enough for the strangers next to them to tell him to stop pushing her. Then Sitch and DJP see him pushing her still and they go over to take him away from Snooki. [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1652]At least he’s not punching her in the face. [/url]
Come on, you were all thinking it.

The guys get into the living room at home and SloppyRon shows them the number he got from a fine Cuban chick and he dry humps the air while speaking Spanish. Then he climbs into bed with Sammi and asks her if he can smush her. Gross.

Vincenzo is half asleep on the beanbag chair near the phone. Snooki calls Emilio while she has the drunk hiccups and is half-lying on Vincenzo, who is drunk and laughing. Then Snooky sits up and the table with the phone, a lamp, and a crocodile falls over. Viny tries to pick everything up and Snooki hangs up on her boyfriend. She keeps hiccupping and he invites her to stay with him in bed for companionship, no touching. She climbs in and they lie there without touching. Then she goes, Wanna fuck? He says, Sure. ROMANCE ALERT! ROMANCE ALERT!

The next morning, Vincenzo awakes to find Snooki next to him in his bed. He doesn’t remember how she got there but he sees his clothes all over the room. He wonders, Did I bang Snooki last night? He wanders out to the beanbag chair as the phone rings, and it’s Snooki’s boyfriend. He’s like, She’s sleeping, I swear. He asks Vincenzo to tell her that he called. Sitch is like, How’s that feel to talk to her boyfriend after you were cuddling with her all night? He’s got a huge grin on his face. He insists he didn’t touch her.

JWoWW comes into the kitchen to report that SloppyRon and Sammi are still in bed together. She’s sick of their relationship. DJP tells JWoWW that Snooki told SloppyRon that Snooki would tell Sammi what was going on. DJP says that it’s gonna come out some time and Sammi is dumb enough to still be with him anyway. JWoWW says that to be all over girls and then come home and sleep with the one there show a true pig, no offense to Ronnie. Sure, equate someone to a farm animal that rolls around in its own shit, but not offensively.

Sammi is confused about everything because SloppyRon is giving her mixed signals between the fighting and the cuddling. I don’t think the sloppy make outs would be too confusing if she saw them. She and SloppyRon to go the gelato shop and she has no clue as to what she’s doing. As she figures out how to scoop the gelato properly, SloppyRon looks on, falling in love all over again. Still, he likes to be single. So he can three-way kiss and dry hump the air while speaking Spanish to it. He hugs her in the shop and she asks why he’s so cuddly and he says, “Because you’re my girlfriend.” She’s like, ooh, yeay, finally. What? The? Fuck?????

Vincenzo, DJP, and Sitch decide to have a fun guys’ night out. Their initials are MVP, so it’s MVP night. Angelina doesn’t understand what that means. She doesn’t want to play pool with the girls and she wants to go with the boys. She doesn’t want to be the only girl though, so they’re like, you’re right you shouldn’t go. Vincenzo explains in simple words that they are trying to do a guy night and she doesn’t get it. Vincenzo asks DJP why she doesn’t get it. They go into the confessional and complain about Angelina. They go back out and Angelina wants to know what time they are all leaving.

MVP go outside and pretend that she’s not there. When she turns her head, they run out the door. Literally. This gets more and more pathetic, to the point where I don’t feel bad anymore. Wait a minute. I never felt bad. Because this girl is clueless. All she needs to do is stop talking about the other girls and start being a nice person and maybe a bit humble and then she could get some friends in the house and not have to make failed attempts to tag along with people who obviously do not want her there especially when they’re having a guys’ night and she doesn’t have a penis attached to her.

The guys go to Bed (it’s a club, not a room in their house) and the girls to go Felt, a billiards place. The problem at Bed is that it’s filled with grenades according to Sitch and the Bronx Zoo according to Vincenzo. Sitch invites a bunch of them home. They open up the hot tub and everyone goes in. Sitch has a moment of clarity and realizes that they’ve brought home a bunch of ugly girls and also that the other guys do not realize this because they’ve been hypnotized by hyenas.

Then something floats around in the hot tub. Vincenzo picks it up and throws it to Sitch. He throws it back to Vincenzo who throws it back to DJP. They play a lot of catch. It’s a fake boob, a rubbery insert for a bathing suit. The girls sober up rather quickly, mortified as the fake boob drops to the floor, and then they leave.

Sitch and Snooki go to work the next day. She’s not wearing underwear and can’t see customers and can’t reach the ice cream or the cones. The box brings over a stepstool for her to reach stuff. Awww, Snooki, I feel your pain. I hate going into places like delis that have that large counter thing because it’s always the exact wrong height for anyone to see me so I have to play this game of ducking and tippy-toe-standing so the person sees me and I see them and it’s one big mess that I’d rather avoid.

The boss shows Snooki how to scoop the gelato and she couldn’t care less and does it wrong. Sitch tells one of the other workers that he could flag down customers with his shirt off. People keep passing by, ignoring him. The only reason I am enjoying this is that it’s not working.

Later on, as they stand around in the empty shop with time dragging on endlessly, Snooki decides to hop onto the statue outside of a camel-dog. Sitch pops her up on top of it. She says, It hurts my vagina. He goes to get her down and she says, No I like it.

That night, as the house plans to go out, SloppyRon wants to stay in with Sammi and cuddle. Snooki invites Sammi to go to dinner. SloppyRon takes that opportunity to say that she can go out with the girls so he’ll go out with the guys. Sammi gets upset because he knows she’s planning to stay in. Maybe Sammi is finally catching on that when SloppyRon says “girlfriend” he means “girl I come home to smush after grinding against other girls at the club.”

SloppyRon decides to go out for a little bit. Sammi doesn’t want to answer him when he tells her. He kisses her on the head and she tells him not to and that he should go out. SloppyRon doesn’t want to alienate everyone again. Snooki tells Sammi to go out with them and Sammi says SloppyRon failed the test when he decided to go out while his girlfriend stays home. She says it’s sketchy and wonders what his motives are.

At the club, SloppyRon dances with a bunch of different chicks. Snooki and JWoWW go to dinner and decide that it’s not a good look for SloppyRon to do what he does and it’s not a good look for them because they know and haven’t told Sammi. They don’t know what to do because both Sammi and SloppyRon are their friends and they are in the middle. While they decide what to do, SloppyRon dances with more girls, drinks more, and we all know what that leads to—sloppy triple-kissing and dry humping the air while speaking Spanish. And that’s attractive.

Swoon about all the romance [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2666&forum=13&post_id=42212#forumpost42212]in the forums.[/url].



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