|Grab your bronzer spray bottle! Tease your hair up high! Double-up your bra to make your boobs pop out! GTL! Drink your mystery juice! Steel your liver! Fist pump! Fist pump! Fist pump! Pack your Trojans and your face guard—it’s time to return to the Jersey Shore!
By way of South Beach! In Miami! Florida!
Yeah, I know. Don’t ask.
Our eight little darlings from Jersey (and its surrounding areas—New York and Rhode Island) head down to the land of warm beaches to escape the bitter cold, rain, and snow of the Northeast. Yes, I said eight. Remember Angelina? The one who decided she didn’t want to sell T-shirts because she’s a bartender so she didn’t go to work and got fired and had to leave the house but now she says she left to be with her married boyfriend? Yeah, she’s coming back, too.
PaulyD is happy to be heading to Florida because “girls don’t come out in this weather.” So! Friggin’! True! Girls do not go out when it’s raining and snowing. It’s hard to go out to a bar and look good in a turtleneck sweater and snow boots unless you’re in, like, Aspen. Even though DJ Pauly D treats women like trash, I can’t help but love him because he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s looking to do nothing more than to have sex. That’s his goal. He says it flat out. While he sometimes sounds like a prick, I’ve begun to take a liking to him. Plus, he was the guy who ran out to help RonRon on the Boardwalk last season when he heard he was in a fight. He’s a good friend. If you don’t sleep with him.
He and Mike The Situation have decided to drive to Miami together. Ah, hetero-love. Pauly D runs out into the rain to help Sitch carry his bags into the car. You know if the roles were reversed, Sitch would not run out into the rain to help Pauly. I hope Pauly knows that. They want to get to Miami first so they can pick their rooms first like they did last summer. They wonder if Angelina will make it to Miami. Pauly D and she hooked up in L. A. over the past year, which means she has now had some of both of the GTL Alliance.
Meanwhile, Snooki has found love with a gorilla juicehead named Emilio who she does not want to cheat on because he helps her spray herself with tanner now that Obama has intentionally raised the taxes on tanning to abuse the kids of Jersey Shore. I’d like to point out that the gorilla juicehead does not help 4 foot 10 inch Snooki to lug her bags into her truck.
Snooki is picking up JWoWW from Long Island. They, too, will roadtrip it to Florida. Why are they choosing to drive in the bad weather? Oh, because MTV told them too (I’m guessing—but seriously—if the weather is so bad, and it WAS, why are you driving in it?). JWoWW has a heavy bag of bronzer with her. They want to get there before the boys to get dibs on the rooms.
SammiSweetheart is now single and spends her last night having drinks with her friends at a restaurant toasting to her singlehood.
RonRon spends his last night drinking in someone’s basement with his friends explaining how he shouldn’t fall in love like last time and use a double-bag method to avoid looking at how ugly the girls are he will have sex with.
Vinny’s uncles want him to bang everything in Miami. He leaves with a plan to take over Miami by finding quality girls.
Angelina gets a Brazilian wax to prepare for her trip to Miami. She’s been talking to both Sitch and Pauly on the phone a lot and they “basically invited” her there. Umm, no they didn’t. This is going to be sad in that pathetic girl kind of way.
On their way South, DJ Pauly and Sitch get their truck stuck in the mud up to its rails. They set off fireworks in a field while they wait for AAA. The first AAA truck gets stuck in the mud so they all wait for a second one to help.
On their way South, Snooki and JWoWW stop at a bar in Atlanta, GA where Snooki finds fried pickles that are apparently amazing and life-changing. A southern boy brings over a couple of lemon drops for them. Aww, how 9th grade. They make him fist pump and it looks no stranger or worse than they all do when they fist pump, but apparently, they’ve never seen themselves fist pump because they get freaked out about how odd he looks doing it. Though the loosen-up head-roll is somewhat frightening.
DJ Pauly and Sitch find the place first and continue to go through rooms saying, “This is us? This us? This is us.” If it wasn’t you, you’re now breaking and entering. Let’s hope it’s not that easy to do so in Miami. They choose their room and guess that Jenny and Snooki will arrive next.
Nope. Angelina stumbles in with her bags and the boys come out stunned. She wraps her arms around their necks and they’re like, “Oh, hey, wow.” Sitch tells her to get a room and she asks if she can stay with them. They’re like, “uh, if you want to.” She? Is clueless. Last summer she had a problem that they brought girls home and she cockblocked them. Now she wants to stay in their room. What the? They don’t like you! They don’t want you there! Then she brings up that she made out with both of them and she has no problem with hooking up with either one again. I’m sure neither of them mind either, but they still don’t like you.
Sammi arrives and Sitch may entertain the idea of getting with her now that she’s not with RonRon. Yeah, good move, hot shot. Angelina tries to hug Sammi and squash everything and Sammi denies her. So Angelina goes to Sitch to complain and he doesn’t care but acts as if he does. Sammi wants the girly room that DJ Pauly shows her. She’s nervous to see RonRon because she has feelings for him and is still hurt.
Vinny arrives, yelling “Daddy’s home!” He clings to DJ Pauly as Pauly tells him Angelina is there. Vinny is like, “Who?” He thinks she lacks brains and won’t get along with her.
RonRon arrives next and all the guys hug it out in a very hetero way. He can’t wait to outdo The Situation. He sees Sammi going through a room with a stack of towels so he walks over and they hug and it’s painful, really painful, and awkward, really awkward, especially since Sitch keeps holding the conversation while they are doing so.
It’s nighttime. The neon lights are already shining. Finally, JWoWW and Snooki arrive! Yeay! They come in and kiss and say hello to everyone! Except Angelina! They completely ignore her and head to see their room with Sammi. Sitch tells Angelina to handle that and she sits on the arm of the couch, claiming she doesn’t care. She says it adamantly twice. Which means she does care. The girls say that Angelina talked about them behind their backs. Out at the hot tub, Angelina complains to Sitch that she didn’t do anything to them. He doesn’t look at her as she talks and gives her one to two word answers while laughing. Because he does not care. No guy cares about all this girl drama. Plus, he doesn’t like you, Angelina, no matter how much you talk to him on the phone.
While JWoWW is unpacking, a shelf comes off the wall, causing RonRonJuice to spill all over Sammi’s entire wardrobe. Really? Come on, universe, that’s not fair. Snooki washed all the clothes in the sink and put them in a large garbage bag. So they can collect mold, I guess. Sammi doesn’t want to go out to the hot tub because her ex-boyfriend is out there and Angelina is sitting near him, which grosses her out.
They start to get ready to go out a little before 11 PM, which is now my bedtime. My how things have changed. They all get ready with tight-short dresses for the girls and tight t-shirts for the boys and lots of alcohol for everyone. And sunglasses for some. At night.
The girls get into one cab and the guys in the other. The girls try to get Sammi to talk about her feelings about RonRon. Angelina leans in and asks if they’re talking about guys and says she left before because of a guy and that’s why they hate her. What she says makes no sense because she left because she got fired. They tell her they don’t care that she left; they were fine with that. What they didn’t like was that she talked about them. Then JWoWW wants to take things outside while Snooki and Sammi laugh because this fight escalates higher and higher.
And the boys are sitting quietly in their own cab, staring into space.
Cut to the girls storming out of their cab with Snooki calling Angelina pale and Angelina calling Snooki too tan and Snooki proclaiming, “I like being tan, bitch!” That sounds about right.
They all make it to a club without coming to blows, the guys recognizing that there’s some tension within the group. Angelina sits by herself and calls herself classy. Yes, the same girl who said she’d make out with “yous” again to Pauly and Sitch. They all drink more and dance a little. Sammi and RonRon fight about who’s hurt over things more and how neither one knows how hurt the other is. This is the stupidest fight ever.
Vinny, Snooki, JWoWW, Sammi, and RonRon decide to go home in the same cab. He calls Sammi a cunt. Then he leaves the cab and Vinny goes with him while the girls go home. Vinny describes RonRon as “obliverated.” Yes, I’ve been there a few times. To get over it and let it go and let her go, RonRon goes back into the club to dance. And to grind against and make out with every girl he can. He gets into a triple kiss. He falls on the floor. He grinds his pelvis against everything that moves. Sitch calls the girls RonRon is hooking up with Landmines and Grenades and renames RonRon “Sloppy Joe.” I’m totally calling him Sloppy Ron from now on.
Angelina is dancing with DJ Pauly and he kind of dances with her while scoping out the rest of the room for someone to sleep with. She says something about how Sammi would be upset with SloppyRon, and DJ Pauly is like, “yuh-huh” because he does not care and, Angelina, he does not like you. She interviews that if she liked Sammi, she’d tell her what Sloppy Ron did, but since Sammi is mean to her, she’s not going to tell her. Umm, SloppyRon is single and why would you want to upset Sammi? Shouldn’t she assume that’s exactly what he’s doing?
Back at the house, JWoWW is on the phone with someone. This is what she says: “I’m putting Vaseline on my face; I’m taking my earrings out; I’m putting my hair up; and I’m beating the crap out of her.” Golden.
In the kitchen, Snooki is clueless as to why Sammi is so down. She doesn’t think she can do this…live with her ex for the summer. Snooki says that SloppyRon still cares about Sammi. Sure he does. And he shows it by making out with anonymous, sweaty, drunk girls in the club and fist-pumping with the boys until they shut the place down.
Sammi laments that things always don’t end like a fairy tale end and goes to bed. With sunglasses on her head.
Outside, JWoWW tells Snooki that SloppyRon is probably getting it in right then. Snooki warns, Don’t tell Sammi that.
Admit it. You’ve missed this. I sure have. It’s like getting drunk without having to buy the drinks.