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Freelance entertainment writer, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.

American Idol 9, Jan. 12 – Pants On the Ground


At the start of day 2, Ryan tells us the first contestant could use his luck turned around. Jesse Hamilton, 26, a welder, Anniston, AL come close to death quite a few times. He had tick fever when he was real young, and his grandpa came in and found him limp like a dish rag. A little older he was shooting pistols with his buddy and almost got hit by a speeding bullet. Two months ago he almost go run over in his yard. He figures it’s just the good Lord looking at him. I have to have the closed captioning on to determine what he’s saying, as I can’t understand him. He stumbles over the lyrics to a Garth Brooks song, so Randy helps him out a little. I think he did it just so he could watch Mary try to contain her laughter. Simon isn’t in the mood for jokes, saying the whole thing was terrible. He thinks Jesse is a nice guy and should just go back to welding. If anyone is going to survive welding,

Holly Harden, 20, an office assistant, of Rockmart, GA, seems to have found a loophole for the rule of not being able to play an instrument in your audition. She’s a human guitar, with the fret on her like a neck tie, guitar glasses, and and the tuning part of the fret coming off her head. She tells Simon she was a guitar for Halloween and everyone thought it was so cute. She thinks she can win the show.

Singing You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man, Holly’s singing voice is much lower than her speaking voice. Simon tells her she also looks a little like an insect, but he thinks she’s fun with some personality. Randy thinks she’s funny and Kara agrees. Normally she’d write someone off coming in like that, but she finds Holly ballsy and thinks she has a good voice. Mary just says, “I don’t get it.” Randy and Kara vote yes, Mary votes no, and Holly pleads with Simon to say yes, saying that Simon is gorgeous. Yeah, that did it. She walks out with a golden ticket.

Mallorie Haley, 20, a server, Winner, SD, walks in before the judges and tells Randy she’ll be singing Piece of My Heart. She sings a little like Vanessa, with a better voice, but less personality. Mary hopes she’s not premature, but thinks Mallorie could go to Hollywood. It was the best vocal she heard so far. It was dope. Kara really liked it too and liked that she knows who she she is. Randy liked that Mallorie owned being a country singer. Simon liked that she was fearless and had great energy. She gets four yeses, and she’s in.

Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler, 22, a Designer/Salesman, Orlando, has the American Idol logo shaved into his head. He thinks he judges will throw their hands up and tell hi they’ve been waiting for him. He tells them he’s going to be the next big thing and they’ll be blown away. He sings Heard It Through the Grapevine and is good … until he tries a falsetto that doesn’t go over too well.

Skii Bo Ski compares himself to the dollar store and says because you can have all this stuff that you want, yet it comes in a package and is only a dollar. Simon is put off by the outfit and thought the singing was awful. Kara thought it was going to be a disaster, but he really had a good voice. Mary was impressed vocally, but image-wise, if he could make that match his vocal, he’s going to be alright. Randy thinks he should lose all the other nonsense and keep the vocals. Simon votes no, while Mary and Kara vote yes, and Ski Bo Ski nearly talks himself out of Randy’s yes, but gets it anyway. He’s in.

Lauren Sanders, 18, and Carmen Turner, 19, are BFFs and college students from Baxley, GA. They’ve been friends since 3rd grade and spend every weekend together. Ryan asks what will happen if one person makes it and the other doesn’t, but they don’t think that will happen. They admit to Kara they get in too much trouble together. They’re singing separately as they have two totally different voices.

Lauren admits her voice is quiet, but thinks they’ll love it. It’s okay, but really not that good. Carmen has an honest shot at this. Simon thinks Carmen is obviously better but only likes them in the group of two. They’re funny as a group but boring alone. He thinks they should be called the Ditz Sisters. Randy says yes to Carmen and no to Lauren, and Kara agrees, telling Lauren she needs to support her BFF. Mary agrees. Simon notes he would have said no to both, but now Carmen is through. Simon thinks it’ll get difficult now between them. It’s clear that it is.

Simon takes a breather, but the auditions continue on without him. Bryan Walker, 25, is a police officer. He likes to go out and protect the people and help them out. If he gets to Hollywood, he knows it will completely change his life. He sings Superstar, and is actually surprisingly good. Simon’s going to regret missing this one. This is what Kara loves about the job, as he was better than she thought he was going to be too. What Randy loves the most about him is that he loves that fakeout, and the singing cop is hot. Mary doesn’t think he even has to try and prove anything with his voice. It’s just there. He’s going to Hollywood, getting three yeses.

Lamar Royal, 20, unemployed, Goldsboro, NC, is very excited about performing in front of Mary J. Blige. She’s an idol herself and a big superstar. He says he will respect the judges’ opinion no matter what, and he loves constructive criticism. Why don’t I believe that? He’s a little too screechy and yells way too much as he sings. Randy has mad love for him, yet calls it kind of tortuous as the pitch was all over the place and he doesn’t think he’s that good. Kara says she’s not going to to say he’s not any good, and he starts to get upset as she tries to explain she’s not going to say that.

Randy asks if he’s a good listener, but Lamar keeps singing, trying to change his mind. Mary tries to tell him he has to find some humility and stop trying to exalt himself. He just keeps running. Randy tries to tell him no, because he’s not ready yet, and he starts singing yet again. When they stop him, he swears at them and walks off the stage. He comes back in, and Randy tries to tell him again they’re trying to find the best. He starts singing some Stevie Wonder, and tons of security come to get him and escort him away in the elevator. He’s still swearing, talking bad about the show and Mary. Lamar sings and swears again outside. I think Simon will be glad he missed this. Yet, the previews blew this and the cop thing way out of proportion.

Simon returns, and our last auditioner is up. General Larry Platt, 62, a veteran, Atlanta, is obviously too old for this, but the judges appear to be humoring him. He explains he’s singing a song called Pants On the Ground. He sings and dances about looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. Everyone is cracking up. Simon has a horrible feeling the song is going to be a hit, and Randy is just going to help his pants stay up by buying a belt. Larry explains he’s 62, and Simon tells him he’s too old, but he thinks they’ll see Larry again as he has a feeling about him. Randy and Kara break out in song … Larry’s song, Pants On the Ground.

I have to admit Pants On the Ground is catchy. I can’t get it out of my head. I do think we’ll see this guy guy again at the finale. At some point they get a group of other auditioners to all sing Pants On the Ground. Another group outside breaks out in the song as well. This really is going to catch on, isn’t it? I think it’s the catchiest tune since We’re Brothers Forever by Renaldo Lapuz.

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