home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love Jersey Shore: Pitfalls and All

And THIS Is Why I Love Jersey Shore: Pitfalls and All

Doing the Jersey Shore should be a fun-filled time of frolicking, and here, “frolicking” means drinking and having massive amounts of sexual contact with people you may or may not know. However, the frolicking sometimes gets thrown way off path by annoyances, some with no antidotes.

And so, I present to you the list of pitfalls you need to be aware of so that your Jersey Shore experience can be even better than what you dreamed of as the best time ever.

[b]Pitfall #1: Pinkeye[/b]
[b][url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1639]As previously mentioned[/url], [/b]poor Vinny contracted pinkeye on one of his first nights out at the shore. Around the same time, he slid under and through the legs of an older, slightly larger woman. I don’t know if that’s correlation or causation, but perhaps Vinny, and everyone else, should take a little more care when deciding what legs to slide through on the dance floor.

[b]Pitfall #2: Pit sweat circles[/b]
Again, Vinny, King of the Fist Pump, shows off his fist-pumping skills in his interview about how he is a smart boy but also a guido. In showing off his fist-pumps, he also shows off the generous darkened, wet rings under his arms. So when you pack for the Jersey Shore, bring an array of anti-perspirants, including clinical strength. If that doesn’t work, load up on Botox in your pits.

[b]Pitfall #3: Hot tubs and Jacuzzis[/b]
Hot tubs and Jacuzzis themselves are not such a bad thing. What goes on in them, however, can be treacherous.

[b]3.a: Booze and heat do not mix.[/b] :thud:
Whenever the housemates jump in the hot tub, they’re drinking. Woozy boozing and hot water do not mix well. They make people pass out. I’m waiting for it to happen.

[b]3.b: Attack Of Snooki[/b] :makeout:
Snooki gets into the hot tub the first night in her underwear and attempts to make out with anything that looks like it has an open mouth. I’m surprised she didn’t try to make out with one of the water jets. That’s not the only time Snooki makes out. She makes out with The Situation on another occasion. She also makes out with one of her own friends, Ryder, because she feels like hooking up and guys like it when girls make out with other girls

[b]3.c: Infections, seriously[/b]
Hot tubs are yeast infections waiting to happen. Ladies, seriously, don’t stay in the hot tub for longer than ten minutes.

[b]Pitfall #4: Relationship-Ending Cheating[/b] :makeout:
J-WOWW isn’t at the Shore for a week when she kisses Pauly D “with her tongue” (his clarification) and looks at his pierced penis. She tells her boyfriend and he hangs up on her. She assumes things are over with and if she doesn’t hear from him again, she’s single and ready to party like anyone with the nickname WOWW should. She’s gotta prove why she’s got that extra W, I suppose. Then her boyfriend is still her boyfriend so she doesn’t hook up with Pauly D; she just lets him grind against her, but then again, everyone is grinding against everyone else so it doesn’t count.

Sammi Sweetheart and RonRon aren’t exactly together but they are couple-ish. Until the next night when RonRon decides to dance with a girl and SS gives her number to a guy she already knows. J-WOWW follows RonRon home to make sure he’s okay and then SS thinks they’re sleeping together. Until later on, when RonRon and SS start crying 😥 and then decide they really like each other again.
So maybe cheating isn’t so bad. It brings people closer together.

[b]Pitfall #5: Cockblocking[/b]
The Situation and Pauly D. have one goal—hook up with as many girls as possible. However, the hookups aren’t going quite as planned.

[b]5.a: Random Girls[/b]
Situation and PD pick up two girls, one much prettier than the other according to them. Then they see two girls driving in a car with the top down so they ditch the first two girls for the second two. The second two girls won’t get in the hot tub (See Pitfall #3—maybe those girls know about the hot yeast shake already) and, ergo, will not have sex with anyone. Then the first two girls show up, so Situation and PD tell the second girls that their “roommates” are mad and the girls have to go. So the second set goes and the first set comes up to the hot tub and wait for it to warm up (they don’t know about Pitfall #3 and so perhaps it would be a good time to invest in Monostat). So here, the second set cockblocked the first set and the first set cockblocked the second in the end.

But we’re not done yet.

Pauly D decides he can’t stand the not-so-good-looking girl. In his defense, she complains a lot, drinks their shots, and then complains some more. He leaves Situation alone with the two of them. Then Situation and the other girl leave annoying girl to go to his room. They start to mack it and roll around in his bed (nightvision—it’s all about the nightvision). Then the not-so-good-looking girl comes into the room and tells the girl that she doesn’t really want to be doing that and that they have to leave. Situation tries to get PD to walk her out so the sexual antics can resume, but PD rolls away from them in his bed and keeps sleeping.

**NOTE: Situation and Pauly D apparently don’t care about having sex with a girl while the other is in the room.

**NOTE: The girls they bring back apparently don’t care either.

[b]5.b: Parents And Periods[/b]
Pauly D and The Situation manage to get a pair of girls up into their beds.

5.b.i: Pauly D’s girl won’t let him open her pants because she’s on her period (or at least that’s what she tells him or that’s what he thinks is the reason—many a time have women used the period excuse to get out of anything from having sex to making out to leaving the house to even speaking on the phone as in “ooooh, I can’t talk noooooowwww, I have baadddd craaaammmmps.”

5.b.ii: The Situation’s girl is really into the rolling around and getting naked. He gets up and rummages around (thank God—he uses condoms—thank you, Jesus, God, and rubber trees everywhere). As he rummages, the other girl springs out of Pauly D’s bed and exclaims, “We have to go—my mom is going to kill me!” The Situation responds with, “Um, okay.” HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!

**NOTE: When a girl freaks out because her mom is going to be mad at her for being out, then maybe you shouldn’t have her in your bed to begin with if you are a 28 year old man.

[b]5.c: Roommates[/b]
Jolie is gone, but her rampages are not forgotten. Several times, she shooed so-called skanks out of the house and deplored her male roommates to hang out with the females in the house instead of random girls they bring home. While roomie conviviality is important, I don’t see that as a good reason to cockblock. Jolie’s theme song may be[b] [url=http://www.mtv.com/videos/gin-blossoms/99085/hey-jealousy.jhtml]”Hey, Jealousy.”[/url][/b]

[b]Pitfall #6: Disease, Germs, Bacteria, Oh My[/b] :sick2:
It comes in all forms from many places. This show makes me want to go out partying in a hazmat suit.

[b]6.a: Pinkeye[/b]
See Pitfall #1: Pinkeye—poor Vinny

[b]6.b: Yeast Infections[/b]
See Pitfall #3: Hot Tubs and Jacuzzis—Poor vaginas

[b]6.c: Cold Sores, Gingivitis, and Mono[/b] :makeout:
From shared cups to swappin’ spit to licking everything and everyone in sight, no one thinks twice about what they drink from where or whom they kiss. Sure, I do the same thing, but doing it and seeing it are two different things, and now, after seeing it, I’m not doing it ever again ever. I don’t know how I haven’t contracted any of the three horrors above, and I’m sure there are others I have escaped by fractions of a tongue.

[b]6.d: Staph and All Those Other Hard-To-Spell Scary Scientific Things That Wreak Havoc On Your Innards[/b]
Pauly D explains that they have to feel the music by first pounding the floor. Um, don’t touch that floor. Are you nuts?

Here’s a fun story: I was at a bar upstate, where the floor was wet and black and gray from shoes and a recent snow storm. We were all sucking on glow sticks. One fell on the floor. Someone, for some stupid reason, picked it up. Then someone else grabbed it and started sucking on it. We screeched, EW! THAT WAS ON THE FLOOR! He answered, Ugh, gross, but too late, and kept sucking on it. I never saw that guy again.

Moral of the story: Don’t touch the floor!

[b]6.e: Skin Cancer[/b]
Stop it with the tanning. Pauly D, The Situation, RonRon, and Vinny all go get haircuts and get pumped at the gym. They also go tanning. They don’t show it, but I’m assuming it’s not the spray kind [b]([url=http://christinamrau.blogspot.com/2007/04/suffering-from-ptss.html]which is its own kind of hazard[/url]).[/b] Really, having darker skin is not worth your life. Plus, Snooki is practically orange from tanning. Can we please find a happy medium?

[b]6.f: Alcohol poisoning[/b] :drunk:
It hasn’t happened yet, but we have had Snooki make an ass out of herself and Sweetheart and RonRon cry and J-WOWW look at Pauly D’s wiener because of alcohol, so it’s not out of the question. Again, moderation would be a great idea.

[b]Pitfall #7: You Can Get Punched In The Face[/b]
I can’t even go into how incredibly violent the video is right now. While getting punched in the face sounds funny out of context, watching the footage is scary. Ugh, I really so cannot go into it at this point. I’m waiting for MTV to drag it out next week. There’s more to come, and it deserves its own dang column. Poor little Snooki—she just wants to be loved (or porked or both), and she gets slammed by a dude right in her pretty little kisser.

Who says you can’t learn anything from watching tv?

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