home Archive And THIS IS Why I Love Reality TV: Jersey Shore!

And THIS IS Why I Love Reality TV: Jersey Shore!

I’m tearing down my wall. I’m succumbing to the summer sun and penchant for drunk lust. I love Jersey Shore. I tried my best to resist it. [b] [url=http://www.realityshack.com/modules/magazine/article.php?articleid=1630]I went so far as to insult it.[/url][/b] And I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I love Jersey Shore and I’m not the least bit ashamed.

This is why I love Jersey Shore: Everyone gets a nickname.

[b]Angelina[/b] is a 22 year old from Staten Island with a little body and black hair down past her shoulders.
[b]Nickname: Jolie [/b]
I’m guessing because her name is Angelina. In which case, we could also call her DeGiasulio, my grandmother’s last name because grandma’s first name is Angelina, too. None of this matters, anyway, because Jolie’s shore stint is brief. We see more of her in the opening credits than we do the rest of the season because she’s a bartender, which is higher on the Angelina Scale of Acceptable Summer Jobs than selling t-shirts.

[b]Jenni[/b] is a 23 year old from Franklin Square, NY, which is where I usually go to the movies. She’s got long brown and black and blonde hair (you have to see it to understand it). She has a boyfriend, but she also has a penchant for kissing Pauly.
[b]Nickname: J-WOWW [/b]
Because two W’s aren’t enough to be wowified. Again, I’m guessing. Maybe the letters stand for something. Why Order Wicked Wood? What Organ Would Work? Who Ordered White Wall?

[b]Mike[/b] is a 27 year old from Staten Island (you’ll find that the girls, for the most part, are younger than the guys). Mike has a little bit of an ego about his abs, which is well-deserved considering you can’t get abs the way he has abs without working for it. That said…
[b]Nickname: The Situation[/b]
So that he can lift up his shirt and say, “So here’s the situation.” This nickname works really well because he can then refer to himself in third person without it sounding like the third person, which he chooses to do more often than not. As in: “Everything works out for The Situation,” and “Girls love The Situation.”

[b]Nicole[/b] is a 21 year old from Marlboro. I don’t know where in NY that is. She’s the token sloppy-drunk-on-the-first-night-bad-impression-regretting-it-in-the-morning girl. She’s also the girl with the big hair poof. Big is an understatement. The girl’s got a lot of hair, especially for such a petite frame.
[b]Nickname: Snooki[/b]
I don’t know where this name comes from. I do know that a lot of them call her Snickers during the first episode, and I’m not sure that will last throughout the season. Maybe Snickers is a second nickname. Maybe Snooki is a corruption of Snickers.

[b]Pauly[/b] is a 28 year old from Johnston, Rhode Island. He’s covered in tattoos and his hair is all spiky. **Sidenote: I did not know that they have guidos in Rhode Island. Pauly is a DJ and I didn’t think they had those there, either. Come to think of it, I haven’t thought of Rhode Island as having much more than a bunch of colleges, which then would make sense of it having a guido and DJ population. Moving on.
[b]Nickname: Pauly D.[/b]
That’s not much of a nickname. It’s a lazy nickname. Still, it works. Pauly is so ordinary. Add an initial and BOOM, nickname! It works only with certain initials. Like, Pauly R wouldn’t work. Neither would Pauly H. Pauly P, Pauly G, Pauly B, Pauly Z, anything that ends with that eeee sound is a stellar nickname.

[b]Ronnie[/b] is a 23 year old from the Bronx. He has a lot of muscles.
However, he does whip up something in the kitchen called RonRon Juice. It consists of fruit and other items lying around the countertop. So perhaps his nickname should be RonRon. Or maybe The Juice. But wait, that’s O J Simpson’s nickname, and look where that got him. Ronnie could be The Juicer, but I think that also means someone who uses steroids, and Ronnie, I’m assuming because I don’t know him, does not use steroids. So RonRon it is.

[b]Sammi[/b] is a 22 year old from Hazlet, NJ. She’s the apple of The Situation’s eye until she becomes the subject of RonRon’s affections. Maybe RonRon Juice has the same effects as Funky Cold Medina.
[b]Nickname: Sweetheart[/b]
Because nothing says sweet like making out with one roommate and then making out with another in front of the first. Granted, the first had no claim on her, and a gal’s gotta follow her heart/hormones.

[b]Vinny[/b] is a 21 year old from Staten Island. He’s the guy who explains that he went to college but can also fist pump like a guido should. He’s also a mama’s boy and doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time, or at least not as much as the other guys.
Maybe he can be FistPumper or The Fist Pump Dude. Then again, I’ve heard that guys don’t like nicknames with the word fist in them. Maybe they can call him V-Prep because he’s Vinny at heart but preppy because he went to college. But V-Prep sounds like some sort of medicine cream, too. Perhaps they should just call him Pinky since he contracted pink eye during one of the first nights they went out. **Sidenote–when I was in Jersey with my now-ex-boyfriend who is from Jersey, he, too, contracted pink eye and then gave it to me, but we have no idea how he got it; he certainly did not get it from sliding between the legs of a rather large fifty year old woman at a club.

Ah, the glory of a cell phone filled with only nicknames. Oh, the fun of filling up a page with my own nicknames. Jersey Shore brings back such good memories, and fills me with hope and promise. If I ever return to the shore, I will most certainly find myself in situations that necessitate new nicknames. Eh, crap. I just said “situation.” Dang, that’s a clever nickname.

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