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Amazing Race 14 Ep. 11 – The Million Dollar Pee


In the immortal words of Peter Boyle on Everybody Loves Raymond – Holy Crap!

Did I just imagine that, or did Kisha and Jen just lose a million dollar opportunity because of a full bladder?  Let me watch that again.

(45 or so minutes later)

Yep.  They did.

I’m telling you with no feeling of shame involved at all.  I would pee all over myself and my partner and Phil and random Chinese people in order to get to that pit stop in time.  This is a MILLION dollars and you are one footrace to a mat from having a shot at winning it.  A footrace where you are so feared that another team U-turned you because of your sprinting skills.  And this is the time to use a port-a-potty?  Just when you think you have seen all the craziest things on this show, someone pees on the way to the Pit Stop and gets eliminated.  

I can’t do this episode justice in a short commentary.  There was just too much great stuff.   Elimination Urination.  Taxi Cab Irony that doubled back on itself to become double taxicab irony.  The best prize since the lifetime supply of gasoline.  An example of why a month on the road with your mom is a bad idea.  The most amazing menu in a Chinese restaurant.  I’ll try to be brief…

Elimination Urination
Again, Jen peed instead of running to the pit stop.  I can’t say that enough.  So, the fateful pee came from Jen’s inability to choke down the delicious grasshoppers, larvae, scorpions and starfish.  She chugged four bottles of water in what was probably a rather short period of time.  That, plus nerves – I can speak of that, when I am nervous I run to the bathroom more than a pregnant lady after eating a giant bag of chips – equals a bladder about to burst.  And elimination for the sisters.  

Taxi Cab Irony
So, after weeks of watching Jamie struggle with cab drivers, we got the mother lode this week.  She completely melted down after some unfortunate cab luck – including getting bonked on the head by a car door to start the episode. She almost stabbed her cab driver with her Travelocity Product Placement. She demanded an acknowledgement from her Chinese-speaking driver that he understood her harried English instructions. She and Cara sang opera to a driver only to prompt him to drive them to the WRONG OPERA HOUSE! She said that China was so over populated it explained why there were no available cabs. And that Chinese drivers knew the English word “taxi” and were just “playing dumb.”

And then what happened? When it mattered most, they got the Michael Waltrip of Chinese cab drivers to motor them to the Bird’s Nest. Granted, Chinese cabbies could probably drive there in their sleep after the Olympics, but still. Irony. Followed by more irony.

The Best Prize
The Galapagos Islands?!?! Really? That is truly the best prize since the Bransens won the lifetime supply of gasoline before gas prices shot up through the roof. Tammy and Victor are going to snorkel with penguins. My trip this year? Probably going to Pittsburgh. No penguins. Well, there could be Penguins.

Never go on the road with your mom
As witnessed by Luke trying to apply makeup to his mom. Granted, that situation will rarely come up, unless you are in a Chinese opera with your mom and there is not a makeup staff to help out. But still, Margie, pay attention! Now, I can’t imagine doing the Amazing Race with my mom – I wish I had the chance as I still miss her almost five years after her death – and can just imagine the meltdowns.
Mom: “Oh, My, God! I am NOT eating grasshopper”
Me: “Mom, just try it
Mom: No, that’s gross. Ugh. I’m going home.

The Most Amazing Chinese Menu
Oftentimes, I do not know what is in a Happy Family, or Seven Rings Around Saturn or whatever some of them are called, but I want to open up the menu and read this, as translated by Kisha and Jen:
Monthy Use Taiwanese Chicken (sounds good, but you can only have it 12 times a year)
Good Western Heads Lack Fish (one thing we know, no fish in this one)
Oil Comes Again to Please the Mouth (I am sure this is dirty. Really sure)
Good Doll Basket Drum (New at KFC)
Light Competition Red Dishes I’ve Played Before (I’ve got nothing)

I’m telling you – possibly the best half an hour of the Amazing Race in years.

Route Markers

1. Jamie may be a raving lunatic, but Cara is actually quite awesome. First she gave us that great reaction shot in the camera at the clue box after three hours of Jamie complaints, and then she almost literally inhaled those critters on a stick at the challenge. I’d totally be rooting for Cara but that would mean Jamie would win too.

2. The adolescent boy in me snickered at the “gag reflex” line. I can’t help it, I’m only human.

3. Did you expect the forgotten gnome would lead to the cheerleaders’ demise? I sure did. Good job, editors.

4. Loved Tammy’s musical “Ewwwww” as Victor ate.

5. When Cara chowed down, you know Jamie was secretly imagining that the starfish was the corpse of every cab driver and foreigner that wronged them.

6. I didn’t even talk about the teams running around in makeup and costume trying to get directions. Again, awesome situation made more awesome by making them do it in costume.

7. I thought Margie looked more like The Joker’s mom rather than Alice Cooper.

8. U-Turn? Totally the right call. I would have U-Turned Kisha and Jen too. Take out the physical threat, unless the Finish Line is out to sea and requires a swim to the finish, of course.

So much more. Electric bikes! Luke running into Jen! Mispronouncing famous places in history! Fried chicken heads!

Next week – great season comes to a close. Teams have trouble carrying dead pigs. Something with surfboards. And the greatest taxi dispatch since Louie DePalma.

Destination – Still Beijing
Detour – Opera makeup and costume (Kisha/Jen, Margie/Luke, Jamie/Cara, or Be a Chinese Waiter (Tammy/Victor, and a U-turned Kisha/Jen)
U-Turn – Kisha and Jen, by Tammy and Victor
Roadblock – Eat gross Chinese street vendor food (Victor, Margie, Jen, Cara)
Order of Finish – Tammy/Victor, Margie/Luke, Jamie/Cara, Kisha/Jen (Eliminated)


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