Previously on Top Chef – Um…I don’t remember, that was a whole year ago. If I recall, everybody cooked badly. There was a refrigeration disaster and some selfless cooking. Natasha Richardson was there. Tom didn’t eliminate anybody.
Credits – Jeff’s wink might be the cheesiest thing on TV right now.
NYC – Fabio is eating the Breakfast of Champions – it seems like pork and beans. Been there. Done that. Eugene is pissed at being in the bottom three. You’d think he’d be used to it by now. Bangs and her wet head are complaining about the pressure. Meanwhile, Hosea feels awesome about coming back from the brink and winning the last challenge. Finn things he can “run circles” around Hosea. This may be the dumbest rivalry in reality history. Jamie is in a bad mood because she didn’t cook her scallops well. Again, you’d think she’d be able to cook them in her sleep by now
Quickfire – Oh, Padma, I missed you. Jean-Christophe Novelli, a Michelin Star Chef, joins her. What his cooking has to do with tires, I will never know. Something else I will never know? Anything this guy says. Seriously, it is like Top Chef has decided to send people at me that speak in tongues. Dude might as well be speaking Huttese – although I may have a better job understanding that. In fact, I am calling him Jabba the Hutt from now on. Star Wars fans will enjoy. If you don’t get the reference, Google it and friggin watch Return of the Jedi already. So, there will be very little of what he said in these pages. Forgive me.
Radhika tells us that he is an acclaimed pastry chef. Padma talks about how the caloric count in NYC is a big deal. Sweetie, it is here in DC too. This is the Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire Challenge. Now Top Chef is just being silly with the product placement. I am looking forward to the Hostess Cupcakes First Annual Top Chef Super Awesome Quickfire Extravaganza next week.
Bottom line here, the chefs have to make a dessert without using sugar. Eugene is not strong with desserts. Well, that won’t help him much. It seems that only refined sugar is not permitted, as fruits, honey and other natural sugars are used.
Cooking – The Nanny says Diet Dr. Pepper quite a few times. Jeff says that Miami residents care about their physique. Again, not city-centric. My wife likes Jeff, but I find him to be robotically humorless. Sorry, that’s an insult to some robots. My apologies Wall-E and R2. Jamie sets her oven to 375 and tells that she too doesn’t make dessert.
Carla likes to. She is putting bananas in the freezer for some ice cream. My weakness. Hosea is roasting figs. Not my weakness. Finn calls it green vomit. Come on, Finn – why all the hate? Even if he is correct on this one. The Nanny keeps saying Diet Dr. Pepper. Radhika wants another win and Eugene is making a Filipino dessert.
Hey look, more soda!!! Carla is having freezer issues – you know, the kind where people leave it open. We see you, Fabio! I left the freezer open the other night for several hours. The ice cream sandwiches re-froze in real interesting shapes. With five minutes left, she has no frozen bananas. No frozen bananas today. She elects to sauté them instead.
Plating. And presentation.
Fabio – Granola and Oat Tart with Eggless Pastry Cream and Fresh Berries. Jabba the Hutt has some cream issues. Fabio makes a bad World Cup joke.
Jeff – Frozen Cherry and White Fig Yogurt with a Baklava Spring Roll. Jabba says it is interesting. He likes that word. Perhaps because it is one of the few that he pronounces well. Here it seems sincere.
Eugene – Mini Blini “Burger” with Banana Lumpias “Fries” and a Strawberry Dipping Sauce. Jabba calls the dancing girl with the head tentacles over.
Bangs – Baked Dessert Burrito with Greek Yogurt Sauce. She talks about her Latin food background, important foreshadowing of the ill-begotten fish tacos later on. We get no feedback for her.
Radhika – Bread Pudding with Sautéed White Peach and Roasted Cashews. Jabba calls for his Talkdroid.
Leia (new spelling for the Star Wars joke) – Crepe with Whipped Ricotta, Strawberries and Balsamic Reduction. Jabba says it is interesting. Then he licks her with his giant space slug tongue.
Finn – Sugar Free Mousse De Chocolate with Cherries. Finn makes some terrible jokes about mousse being Finnish. He throws a couple of “Just Kiddings” out there.
Hosea – Green Figs with White Peaches Brushed with Honey and Balsamic. Jabba gives him a scornful interesting. Then he throws him in the Sarlacc pit.
The Nanny – Whole Wheat Crepe with Caramelized Pears and Toasted Almonds. She also has some cream issues.
Jamie – Ricotta, Mascarpone, Peach, Nectarine and Cherry Napoleon. Jabba gives her a bad interesting. Then Leia chokes him to death. Sorry…spoiler alert for Return of the Jedi.
Carla – Baklava with a Chocolate Disc and Fried Bananas. She explains her banana issues and how she wears her emotions on her sleeve. Then Comcast starts their usual crappy DVR service. From this point on, the recording stops and starts a lot. So please bear with me.
Bottom Three – Carla, The Nanny and Jamie. Is it just me or did all of these desserts sound awful?
Padma tells the chefs that Gail is gone for the year. Remember she got married? Toby Young will be subbing. Fabio tells us that he is a “bad ass food critic” from England. Padma tells them all to relax tonight and does not tell them about the challenge. That never bodes well – usually that means the challenge sneaks up on them. This one won’t.
We learn right away that Eugene is doomed when he is spotted talking on his Sidekick to his family. Hosea survived that earlier in the season – but usually on Bravo shows, if you talk to family, you are doomed.