[b]Teen Idol[/b]: (pronounced teeeeeeen eye-doll): a boy with a hot bod who makes the girls go gaga
[b]Has been[/b]: (pronounced haz bin): a man who used to make the girls go gaga, who may or may not still have a hot bod
[b]Scott Baio[/b]: (pronounced Skott Bay-oh!): Chachi; Charles In Charge; 40-something year old who recently got married and had a baby and now is famous enough again to host a show of other guys who want to have the same fortune
[b]Jason Hervey[/b]: (pronounced Smartest Man In All The Land): actor who was on The Wonder Years (good choice), some wrestling show (poor choice), and stayed in the business behind the scenes and has used his talent and skill to bank on the thirst-for-fame of others
[b]VH1[/b]: (pronounced Video Hits One despite the fact that most of its programming is now celebrity reality shows): addictive cable station that makes me hang my head in shame
Confessions of a Teen Idol is a smart show. Here’s why: good looking guys. Aside from The Bachelorette (which is a train wreck I’d rather not get into right now) and all the I Love New York type shows (ah, the good old days), rarely do we see a show that puts all guys in a house to live with each other. This show isn’t even a dating show. The guys in this house are former teen idols. I defined has been above, but that doesn’t necessarily apply to these guys. That’s how some may describe them, but we’ll have to see how the show develops to see how that definition pans out.
Let’s first talk about Jason Hervey. He’s friends with Scott Baio. He was the executive producer of Scott Baio Is 45 and Single and Scott Baio Is 46 and Pregnant. He’ll probably also produce Scott Baio is 72, Divorced, and Dating as well as Scott Baio Needs A Rest Home. For some reason, people cannot get enough of Scott Baio. Jason Hervey, instead of falling to the ground and crying “why God why?” embraced the fact that people cannot get enough of Scott Baio. Not only that, but he banked on it. And bank he received. That’s why when you say “Jason Hervey,” I hear “The Smartest Man In All The Land.” He’s even smarter because now, with Confessions, he’s put himself back on the screen. He doesn’t have to exploit his own personal life to get screen time. He’s worked and waited off screen until the right time and now he’s got air time without the humiliation. He doesn’t have to go to parenting class. He doesn’t have to put up with Johnny V. He doesn’t have to sit in a therapy circle. All he needs to do is answer his phone and remind the house residents, “It doesn’t get any easier!”
Scott Baio also can’t get enough of himself so now he’s co-executive producing this show and also appearing on screen. He reminds the guys as well as us that despite the ups and downs of fame, they’re all still here. They should thank their lucky stars that VH1 exists.
The point of the show is to exploit the reasons each guy has lost fame. Then we will watch as they rise up to claim fame again. Their therapist is an expert on fame and has helped A-List celebrities get through rough times. She seems legit considering she hasn’t risen to fame because of all the help. Until now, of course.
Here are the guys I keep referring to. I’m first listing them by memory to show you how much of an impact their idoldom had on me personally: the boy from The Blue Lagoon, one of the guys from Fame, Adrian Zmed from Grease 2 (Let’s bowl, let’s bowl, let’s rock n roll, hey, come on, let’s get the show on the road), Jeremy Jackson from Baywatch, David Chok-a-chee from Baywatch, and the guy Jamie from The Heights who sang “How Do You Talk To An Angel” who got that spinoff from being Donna Martin’s beat-her-up boyfriend on the original [url=http://www.xanga.com/recappinit]Beverly Hills, 90210[/url].
Oh, and Eric Nies. He was a teen idol? He’s been gone from television? Wasn’t he just on The Real World/Road Rules challenge last year?
My biggest beef with this show right off is that Eric Nies is on it. I have never considered him a teen idol. Even though I may not remember the full names or how to spell them of the other guys, I still recognize them as teen idols. They were on scripted shows and in scripted movies. Eric Nies was the work out king on The Real World, The Grind, the Real World/Road Rules challenges, and other like shows. It wasn’t so long ago that he was on screen on MTV. When did he dye his hair, let it grow out and dry out, grow a beard, and get into a weird hippie-dippie movement of raw food and, well, movements? I say nay! I say this is an elaborate plot by Eric Nies to climb up the celebrity ladder when he hasn’t quit hit the bottom rung. Seriously, if his relationship with MTV was so screwed up, why was he on those challenge shows? It’s a valid question. Another valid question: Why is Eric Nies on this show? He doesn’t fit.
My biggest praise of the show, so far, is the on screen subtitled warning that any advice given by Eric Nies is not supported or the opinion of VH1 or any of its companies. Way to drag a man down when you’re supposed to be picking him up, VH1.
With that, here are your other players.
[b]Chris Atkins[/b] from “The Blue Lagoon.” He starred in that with Brooke Shields and now he builds pools. He jokes that he’s gone from a movie about a lagoon to building lagoons. I suspect that that’s not the first time he’s told that joke. I hope for his sake and the sake of his clients that it’s not a usual joke around the construction site. You know, like, sadly, every morning at 10 without fail, as he opens a bag of cement mix, he peers over his shoulder at whomever’s standing there and calls out, “I went from filming lagoons to building em!” And then whomever hears bites his own inner lip, counts to ten, trying not to roll his eyes, and then says, “Good one, Atkins, that never gets old.” Yeah, that would be sad.
The footage of his life so far makes me think that it’s not that bad. He’s simply a guy who liked what he did and wants to do it once again now that his kids are grown. Have I mentioned that he’s still in pretty good shape. There’s a split second in the premiere when he has his shirt off. Yup, I’d do him.
[b]Bill Hufsey[/b] from “Fame.” He sings. He dances. He acts. I didn’t remember him until I saw the picture of him as a teen. Then it totally clicked. He used to do splits and had longish curly hair. It was mullet-like but not a full-on mullet. He still has confidence and would also like to have fame again. Now he actually looks like a guy I dated two years ago so of course I’d do him.
[b]Adrian Zmed[/b] is not only from “Grease 2,” but was also on “T. J. Hooker” and in “Bachelor Party.” Now he works on a cruise ship. He’s very down-to-earth and seems happy. He says he’s happy. The therapist questions his happiness because on this show, you can’t be all happy. I heart Adrian Zmed, not in that “I’d so do him ‘til the monkeys peel all the bananas” kind of way, but more in a “he’s a sweet guy I’d love to have around me all the time” kind of way.
[b]Jeremy Jackson[/b] is a true teen idol. He was on “Baywatch” starting at 10 years old and then was a teen loved and lusted after by teens. Then he became a douchey-looking, spiky-highlighted-haired teen. Then he became an entrepreneur of sorts—he was a chef. Of meth. Thankfully, he’s off the meth now. He’s hot. So hot. He should take his shirt off all the time. Even with his shirt on, you can tell that he looks really good with his shirt off. Need I mention that I’d do him? Yeah, I’d do him ‘til the monkeys peel all the bananas AND split open the coconuts. I’m not sure if monkeys split open coconuts, but you get the hint. Hey, maybe Chris Atkins knows. There were monkeys and coconuts in the lagoon, right?
Don’tcha love how this show has turned into the “Who Would You Do?” Variety Hour? BTW—I’m still waiting on someone to explain why Eric Nies is on this show.
[b]David Chokachi[/b] was also a “Baywatch” star. The Brotherhood of the Red Bikini Life Guard Shorts is quite endearing to watch. However, Chokachi’s anger and resentment towards Jason Hervey and Scott Baio’s little joke in the first episode makes me think that he’ll never be truly happy without fame. Hervey and Baio pretend that a club full of fans are waiting for the guys, and it turns out to be all sound effects. Chokachi becomes devastated and threatens to leave, but then stays after Jason Hervey (Smartest Man In All The Land) talks him down.
Sidenote: This incident made me love Adrian Zmed. He got exactly what the prank was all about. Aside from making fools out of the guys and exploiting their feelings, he got that it was about fame being fleeting. He also didn’t care that he was made a fool of. He works on a cruise ship. You can’t come back from that. I say that not to be condescending towards those who do it, but in praise of them. I’ve seen their living quarters. It ain’t pretty.
Still, DC has a lot going for him. He claims that as he gets older, the compliments on how he looks don’t cut it, and he wants to be seen as a talented actor who is smart. So he probably won’t appreciate the fact that I’d do him, but still, he looks really good without a shirt.
[b]Jamie Walters[/b] “gave up” fame before his career completely tanked. In his mind, that’s the way it happened. He quit the business, started a family, and became a firefighter. He wants to know if he can make it in music again since he left during a downturn instead of riding the spiral down to rock bottom. Unfortunately, by no fault of his own, every time I think of Jamie Walters, I begin to cheer, “Donna Martin graduate!” which has nothing to do with his plot line on 90210 or him as a person. Mea culpa. Perhaps saying I’d do him would make up for that, but after seeing the footage of him with his kids, I don’t think so. He’s obviously in love. I have nothing more to offer JW.
Am I missing anyone? Nope. That’s it. Six guys and [b]Eric Nies[/b]. Don’t get me wrong; I’d probably go for Eric, too. I’m simply confused about how he’s on this show. I also want to know who the woman in the pickup truck was who drove him there and helped unload all his electrodes and seeds. You know what? Scratch the probably. I just realized that there’s a guy who I occasionally hook up with who kinda looks like this scrubby version of Eric Nies. Who woulda thunk it?
In the coming episodes, we’ll see break downs, brotherly hugs, and some shouting matches. We’ll see some stage time, acting classes, and a bus tour of where things went wrong. I’m sure we’ll also see more of Scott Baio (because we cannot get enough of Scott Baio) and more of Jason Hervey. Say it with me: Smartest Man In All The Land.
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