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And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: Great Dogs, Nutty Owners



Welcome back to my not-so-weekly, kind-of-occasional column! Sorry, I’ve been busy with the summer schedule, meaning trying to keep track of Big Brother. More on that soon enough. But first….

Some people are dog people. Some people are cat people. Some people are completely zany, out of control pet owners. Greatest American Dog banks on that last tidbit.

Here’s the deal. Contestants—people—bring their dogs into one big house and make their dogs do stupid pet tricks so that they—the people—can win. The dogs don’t care. The dogs are dogs.

Travis is a Christian bartender who owns Presley, a very handsome boxer. The dog kind of listens to Travis. I have a feeling Travis would have an intimate relationship with Presley if Presley would give him the time of day.

Brandy is a blonde who owns a miniature schnauzer named Beacon. Aside from alliteration, there’s a lot of high pitched squeaky happiness going on between the two of them.

Ron is in construction but eerily reminds me of Gary Busey in Point Break. He owns Tillman, an English bull dog. You know how some people look like their animals?

Laura, a single brunette, owns Preston, a fluffy white nine-pound pomeranian. Again, lots of high pitched noises.

Theresa is a dog sitter. Theresa loves dogs. Dogs are her life. Her own dog is a boarder collie named Leroy.

Michael is an “aspiring comic” which I take to mean “unemployed.” However, he’s very gung ho about Ezzie, his Boston Terrier who dances.

Elan aspires to own a dog salon. She owns the largest dog in the world. When he’s on his hind legs, he’s taller than most humans. Kenji is a purebred Giant Schnauzer. Giant is part of the breed name as well as a very very good description. Here’s the entertainment factor—out of all the contestants, Elan has the worst control over her dog, her dog being the most massive dog there. And comedy, as well as probably bloodshed, ensues.

Bill is a 60 year old super who owns a purebred Brittany named Star. He’s the token older person.

Beth Joy is an acting manager. For Bella Starlet. Her pet dog that is a mutt. Beth Joy and Bella Starlet both have two first names. Beth Joy likes to dress up Bella Starlet. Wow.

David is a very dapper doctor from NYC, who is the other token older person in case the first guy falls through. He owns Elvis, a Parson Russell Terrier. Elvis is the first dog to be snapped at. I’m pretty sure Kenji will eat him.

Laurie owns Andrew. Laurie likes to give dogs “people” names. She thinks that people underestimate the maltese and man will they be surprised when her maltese does many un-maltese-like things.

J. D. is a dog entertainer. I don’t know if that means he entertains dogs or if he uses dogs to entertain people. He owns a lot of pets, but on the show he has Galaxy, an English Pointer and Collie mix.

The host is Jarrod Miller. I have no idea where CBS found him. Speaking of CBS, why are they even doing this show? They have The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother. They rule the reality world. This show should be on like ABC or something. Anyway, Jarrod Miller is the host. He gets to explain things like Doggy Musical Chairs to the contestants.

He refers to the contestants as “teams,” as if the dogs had a choice in the matter. The winning team gets $250K and the title of America’s Greatest Dog. I suppose it’s also good exposure to have your dog in movies. If the dogs are obedient. However.

The dogs sometimes listen to their owners. Sometimes they don’t. They all live in one big house. The only reason I might watch from time to time will be to see if Kenji eats someone. Other than that, we could also go outside to the dog run to see much of the same chaos.

Maybe my fake boyfriend Cesar Millan will show up as a special guest. A gal can dream.

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