Some guy whose name I do not choose to learn seems to have a permanent gig hosting Bravo TV Reality Show Reunion Specials. It may be the most specific niche that I have ever seen anybody have. Similar to the title of the guests on Unwrapped on Food Network, things like Sugar Cereal Expert. He will be Random Guy for our purposes.
Random Guy says that we have our Top Chef contestants back to answer questions and we will find out who won the Fan Favorite competition. There will be clips from the season, though I will not recap what I have already recapped.
All of them are back, the judges are there too. Random Guy points out that Tom is wearing a vest. He fails to mention the ever-present gorgeousness that is Padma and also fails to mention that Gail looks really pretty tonight. He says that everyone is probably wondering where their resident Willy Wonka is (he means Richard) and explains that due to the imminent arrival of a little Blais, Richard is in Atlanta via satellite and he will join us later. May I offer congratulations to the Blais family for the birth of their child? I wish you as many naps as you can manage to find over the next few years.
Random Guy offers congratulations to Stephanie. He’d better do that or Lisa, the Congrats Police, may nail him later. She is the first female Top Chef. Really, that hasn’t been mentioned before, has it? She is excited and we get to see a replay of the final moments from the Finale. Spike gives her an “awwwww.” She said it was unbelievable and felt “not real,” she had a big “oh f**k” moment, basically.
Ted tells her that she always looked terrified at Judges Table, as if she was going to be killed. Or that Padma would zap her with a laser beam. I always thought she was going to hurl all over the floor during those moments. He also adds that once she got her usually great feedback that she would just beam. That is quite true, and is one of the reasons that people love Steph.
Random Guy wants to know what the judges thought about Richard’s choke comment in the fnale. Gail was shocked that he verbalized it basically. Tom thought it was in Richard’s character, to which Antonia nods. Ted thinks that he was always honest about his work and has a terrible poker face.
Random Guy asks Lisa if she thought she had won because she was confident in the Stew Room. Or as I called it, Meat Locker of Doom. Stew Room is kind of a cool name too.
Tony from New Jersey sent a note, and I must say that I am glad he didn’t get whacked while eating those onion rings. He wants to know what it is like watching the show and what you would change. Dale would not have made the butterscotch sauce, or I would hope just not adding it to shellfish. Gail agrees. Aw, that must have been awful. Padma asks if he made it before. He has not. Nor will he probably make it again.
Jen says that she regrets saying “phallic” on TV and that it has been brought up to her a LOT. I am sure of that. We see the whole sequence again and it is still funny. Jen says that seeing Padma’s face during that speech was priceless. It sure is.
Spike thinks he got too hot in the hot tub with Frodo. Our New Zealand buddy makes some comment that is in dwarfish or something. I have no idea what he said. Ted thinks that was Man Soup. Another bad idea for a dish, by the way. Random Guy leads into the various “bromances” going on this season, because Bravo must continually point out that it is a gay network. We get it.
First is Spike and Frodo. We get more from the infamous tub scene. Spike is saying something about smoke, I really don’t understand.
Second, Richard and Dale. I love this exchange and wish it was never left out of its episode. Dale mentions to Richard that people were watching him put lotion on this morning, and we see Dale rubbing lotion on his chest in the mirror. Um, ok. That is a little odd, isn’t it? Richard says that Dale has “gorgeous nipples, I mean what’s wrong with admiring something so beautiful.” HA! Also, “I haven’t seen you topless for a while, but we have the room to ourselves.” HA!! Dale THs that sometimes it gets lonely and you want to hug someone. He sexy growls, “Richard, come here.”
Third, Spike and Andrew. Spike is “man cool” apparently. We see a montage of Spike and Andrew hugging and whatnot. Spike THs that it is “all on the table, there is no hit or miss with Andrew.” In an amazing TH, Andrew says that “I’m not gay, but I’d probably let him (Spike) bang me.” Wow! This gets huge laughs and Ted calls them soldiers trapped on a submarine.
Oh yeah, Frodo got married. Congrats, make sure you file your I-130 properly with immigration to get your green card. Sorry, I know too much about bureaucracy.
Random Guy asks Jen and Zoi what it was like competing and Jen babbles in what I think is some kind of English. I think. Doug from Tampa wants to know how they felt about Spike’s comments. Jen didn’t know he felt that way until the show aired and Spike explains that he didn’t have a problem with them. He was only saying how nice it is to have a counterpart on the show when you need someone. Zoi thought they actually had it tougher being there as a couple. I think she is right. Having someone there is actually more of a distraction I would imagine.
As for the internet rumors about their relationship? I could care less. But others apparently do. Jen says there have been some bumps, and Zoi thinks that they have talked enough about their relationship already. You know what, Zoi? We agree.
Corey from Charleston loves Spike because he loves to play the game, was this strategy? Corey, stop asking questions. You seem to not have the ability to ask a good one. Spike had fun and liked to mess with minds. Antonia smiles at that.
This leads to the Spike Is Devious Montage, where we see the Block Party footage. Antonia calling him cunning and a bullsh*t artist. We see him getting to select his ingredients as a result of his Quickfire win and Steph saying that he can f**k them all over. Oh, the pink bandana. I forgot about that. We see him slyly put out his meals for the cops. We see him come back from Judges Table and Richard asking him what they said. Spike said that simple food is the way to win. Whatever. Antonia doesn’t know why he is trying to psyche them out.
Steph is asked if Spike is devious. She admits to hating him for the first eight episodes (I feel you here Steph) because he reminds her of all of the cocky a-holes she was worked with. She realizes now that he is an awesome guy. I am willing to believe you Steph. Spike, I am giving you a shot here, please be cool tonight.
Is Spike the Fan Favorite? Erik thinks he may be, and Spike is glad he may actually win something.
Commercials – Damn, all of these Bravo commercials are the same. Forget it. Instead, I will randomly mention one of my son’s toys that he left strewn across the living room floor. Giant plastic giraffe.
Now it is time for the Chefs Keep Having Stress Nightmares Montage. We start with everyone sleeping and a scary/funny shot of Tom watching them. Dale dreamt that he was in Whole Foods and had lamb on the menu. He came back to the kitchen and only had “two piddling racks.”
Richard dreamt that he was facing elimination before even finding out what the challenge was. Spike is also in Whole Foods and is wandering the aisles not knowing what he is cooking. Jen dreamt about the intense stare of Chef Tom, which we get in red tinted close-up. She is trying to make hot chocolate and is running around but has been told that it is not as good as Gail’s this morning. Richard dreamt that he was shtupping his wife and Frodo walked in. Frodo confirms having very f***d dreams.
Are they still having dreams? Many of them are. Are they dreaming about Mother Abigail or Randall Flagg? Discuss. Manuel talks about sleeping with one eye open during the competition because they don’t know what is lurking behind the door. I wonder what the heck was going on in that house. Dale talks about waking up terrified. Maybe he was haunted by those scallops.
Random Guy asks who watched the show before. Basically everyone raises their hands except for Andrew and Erik. Lisa wasn’t prepared for the stress and just how long everything takes. Ryan found him self intimidated by the heavy hitter guest chefs.
Random Guy uses this comment to segue into Ryan’s bullsh*tting montage. Steph THs that Ryan is most well spoken chef she knows. In her Marge Simpson hair TH, Nikki mentions that Ryan likes to talk about his visions for his dish. We see many cases of Ryan yammering on and boring the judges. Ryan responds to the montage by not talking about it. Probably a good idea.
Debbie from Texas – seriously? Is she from Dallas? She asks about the Curse of Casey and the new one attributed to Antonia. What? In the montage, Lisa THs that Antonia’s nickname is the Black Hammer. It seems that the first few eliminations all had Antonia involved in them. Come to think of it, yes they did. We see her with Nimma, then throwing Val under the bus to save Steph. Frodo talks about how the chefs are here one day, work with Antonia, and are gone the next.
We get a replay of Zoi’s disaster with seasoning. In the Stew Room, she says that she is going home because she worked with Antonia, as the Hammer does some bizarre, David Lynch-like dance in the corner. Antonia refers to a time card that they have listed all of her “victims” on that they keep in the fake time card rack by the door. The Black Hammer lives on. Back live, Antonia doesn’t know why that all happened as Lisa teases her about the wacky dance.