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Big Brother 9 – The Aftermath

In an effort to extend this season, let’s do one last column about the hamsters before they fade out of the public consciousness. Here’s a summary of the House Guests final interviews with Gretchen Massey from cbs.com. Thanks CBS, for checking in one last time with the controversial, delusional, and largely forgettable cast of Big Brother 9.

Jacob: If he has a regret it’s not outing Adam and Ryan for making the original, “Parker is a snake” comment that resulted in he and Sharon being the first couple evicted. He was glad the early boot resulted in personal time with Sharon. When asked if he will get back with Sharon, he gives a carefully worded answer about wanting to be with her if they can work past their differences. After all they do have furniture and a dog together. What binds people together more securely than pets and end-tables? If Sharon wises up and dumps him for good I hope she gets custody of the pooch – no dog deserves a lifetime of Jacob.

Jen: First, doesn’t she have anyone who could have suggested she wear something flattering? Friends don’t let friends dress drunk. She has no regrets, it was the best experience of her life, and she wants to have sex with Ryan. (Which is clearly not the best experience of her life if Big Brother trumps it). Her biggest regret is that she didn’t develop a friendship with Allison. So she regrets that more than calling her boyfriend a racist on television, an act that will haunt his real life? Interesting. She loves everyone from the game and is particularly close to Amanda and Parker. She sure seems to like everyone else more than they like her. She doesn’t mention being sorry that she was insufferable enough to insure he had no chance at winning this game.

Parker: He doesn’t like everyone in the house. He can’t stand Sheila, Josh, or Chelsia. He can’t be friends with everyone since it became personal but he’s not bitter. Except that he totally is. He wishes he had been partnered with Allison because she had a crush on him at the beginning and they would have made a great team. He thinks his youtube moment was either catching Jen and Ryan having sex or fighting with James. He gives a shout out to a couple of websites. Great, now I’m pissed no one sent a shout out to us here at Reality Shack – but considering some of the things I’ve said I doubt anyone would be thanking me anyway.

Alex: There’s no final interview posted for him. He was probably trying to duck Sheila by hiding in the supply room or canoodling with his new girl Daniele Donato.

Amanda: Gretchen calls her ‘uber-butt’ to which Amanda replies, “bueno”. She’s proud that she’s a better person than the people she hates. She wishes she’d have been paired with Adam since he, you know, won. She’d have preferred Parker for a “man/woman” relationship. (The phrasing flows so smoothly from this one). She’s thrilled with her ‘bueno’ montage youtube clip. She wishes she could have stayed under the radar, but it would have been hard since she needs attention. Who would have guessed she‘d be the most self-aware? She gives a shout out to Team Bueno; I die a little inside that I live in a country where there is a team bueno. She says that her cast mates will feel stupid when they get home and realize that ‘bueno’ does indeed mean ‘hello‘. Apparently she hasn’t gotten the word that ‘bueno’ still means ‘good‘. Just like stupid is still stupid in any language.

Allison: She has a lot of respect for Ryan, but wishes their partnership had come with less drama. She couldn’t trust him because of Jen. She won’t be friends with Matt outside the house as she has no respect for him due to his betraying her in the game and how badly he talked about her in the house. She loves everyone in the cast with the exception of Matt and Josh. She is very close to Parker and Amanda, and in fact has spoken to Amanda every day since she left the house. She would love to get another chance on All-Stars. She said she’d play the same (I hope the producers took note of that). She thinks her you tube moments were all about how quirky and fun she is. She finds herself quite delightful. She doesn’t know why everything around her always seems to turn chaotic. That’s something a person with self-awareness might want to examine a little more closely.

Matt: He’s nervous about leaving the house and experiencing the aftermath in real life. Game wise he is happy Natalie was his partner, because she was a strong competitor. She’s a great girl but not the one for him relationship-wise and she didn’t get that. He did hook up with her a couple times which led her on. Still, he doesn’t think he was overly mean to Natalie as it was the only way to keep her at bay since she didn’t understand the word no. She wanted a relationship afterwards and he wasn’t interested. He hopes they can be friends. His most regrettable moment is throwing the POV before getting evicted because he thought he was safe. He said James was the most untrustworthy person in the house but he respects that in the game and wished he had teamed up with him. James interjects that Matt made it easy to back-door him since Matt puts a big target on himself every time he opens his mouth. Matt and James want to team up for BB All-Stars.

Chelsia: She was nervous about her relationship with James, that he was maybe playing her for extra money. She truly cares about James and hopes they will be friends for a very long time. Disco Ball was her favorite comp since it was fun and she was able to push herself. The hardest part about being locked up was the emotional aspect, then her showmance with James was additional stress. She wasn’t happy about couple twist, but was happy with her partner. She thinks her youtube moment is her and Natalie giving the strip show that they staged for BBAD. She wants the world to know she’s not a heartless bitch, despite how low she can go sometimes.

Josh: Maybe he’ll surprise us all with a little humility? Don’t hold your breath. He’s expecting his biggest eruption as he has a volcanic release about every 10 days. And I thought only us women got bitchy in regular cycles. He thinks he has a large following on the net but is a little wary of the controversy. He was there to win and not make friends and he isn’t afraid to use whatever you give him if it will bring you to your knees. It helped take him to the jury house, more than most people. (I count six pre-jury hamsters and seven jury members. I guess Natalie is tutoring him in math.) He is proud he didn’t take any crap from anyone. James is his favorite person in the house since he thinks he’s similar to himself. He doesn’t see a need to hang out with the cast mates – he has a big life to live after the game. Let’s hope he lives it off camera. He can’t pick one youtube moment since he gave so much that was youtube worthy. He was who he is and a lot of people were holding back. He was debriefed about all the internet smack talk surrounding him as well as some potentially embarrassing internet pictures. His family and friends know who he is and that’s all that matters. He thanks his fans for supporting him on this crazy road and is glad they enjoyed his memorable moments. He says they’ll be seeing more of him whether it be on TV, the internet, or in print. There’s more to come. I do hope not.

James: He’s surprised about the $25,000 prize – he didn’t see that coming. He’s shocked that America likes him, he didn’t think they would. He knows he’s not the new Brad Pitt. With the money he’s going to help his mom out and then continue his bike tour around the world. He’s going to London, Iraq, Iran, India, China, Australia… 32,000 miles left to go. We can keep track of him at Myspace.com/jzinkand. He regrets the relationship with Chelsia as far as it affected his game since he violated rule #1 of reality shows: Don‘t get involved. His feelings for her are genuine, but he’s got a mission to fulfill and it’s his journey not hers. They censored what he thinks his youtube moment will be – but it involved his genitals and sounded painful. He thinks he should have been naked more. He’s not a nudist just likes hanging out naked, which I think is what makes a nudist a nudist – am I wrong? He hopes his fans don’t end up like him. They could do worse, they could end up like Josh.

Natalie: She would have picked Alex as her partner if she could go back and do it again. She thinks her youtube moment is either the striptease with Chelsia or her and Matty in bed. Her biggest regret is dropping out of the Glass House comp and letting people use her goodness and niceness against her. (I would hate that if someone did that to me, but since I have very little goodness or niceness there’s very little danger of that). She knew she wanted to bring God into the house with her because He put her in the house. That‘ll teach him to do her a favor. Religion makes her strong and keeps her on the right path. Hopefully that path will lead straight to a therapist’s office. She wants to stay friends with Parker, indeed most everyone except for Matt. She said he was jerk in sequester, too She assumes it‘s because he‘s still hung on his ex and doesn‘t want to get close to anyone. Good to know she‘s still performing all kinds of mental gymnastics so it‘s anything except that he just doesn‘t want her. She blames him for making her look like she wanted him more than she did. Matt can be blamed for a lot of things, but she needs to own that one. To quote Heather B, “they (editors) can’t use what we don’t give them.” (You guys remember Heather B – Real World Season 1. Man, I’m dating myself.) She loves Adam as a friend but he’s not someone she‘d consider dating. Gretchen asked if his nose picking is a factor, but Natalie says that’s only part of the reason. She apologizes to the beaver state for losing. Yep, I’m sure all of Oregon had their collective self-worth tied up in her performance.


Shows I've covered: Big Brother 9, Beauty and the Geek, Survivor, America's Next Top Model, The Surreal Life, The Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, 'Till Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, Extreme Make-over, Meet My Folks, America's Most Talented Kid...