Ah, it’s finally that time of year again. American Idol. Okay, so the show has been going on for a few weeks now, but this is the part we really care about, right? I mean, THESE are the people we’re going to remember.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I mean, holy cow, look at ALL those people on stage! Twenty-four! That’s just too many. I can’t even remember a grocery list with more than three items on it. How am I supposed to remember 24 kids’ names? Well, fortunately, tonight, America is making it easier on me by dashing the hopes of four of these dreamers. Heh, aren’t I cheery.
Ryan tells us there were over 28 million votes. Zzz… don’t care. Then, he introduces the judges. Ugh, STILL don’t care. Where are the results? Ryan asks Paula what she thinks about the fact that some of the kids already have stage experience. She reads her script and says, “It doesn’t matter, blah blah blah, because they all went through the same line. They all had to deal with Simon.” Um… no. Sorry, that answer doesn’t fly with me. I’m a fan of car-singing. However, something tells me that if I stood in one of the American Idol lines for umpteen hours, I don’t think I’d stand the same chance as someone behind me who’s been taking 4 years of vocal training. But that’s just me and my crazy logic.
Ryan then asks Simon if he’s giving the contestants a hard time as some sort of reverse psychology. What’s funny is, Simon’s been doing his thing and being his overly-truthful self for seven seasons now, and NOW this question is coming up? Reverse psychology? Riiight. Here, listen to me Ryan. I really REALLY want you to continue this inane line of questioning. Let’s see if that works.
What would an hour-long episode be without some video-montage padding? With the Daughtry music and all the slow-motion of the 24 contestants, it looks like a commercial. Especially with the end that says “the top 24” and the show’s website. I’m pretty sure this has got to be a commercial that I missed (thanks to TiVo!). If that’s the case, why is it being broadcast NOW? I’m ALREADY watching the show! Ugh.
It’s time for our first group performance. We continue on with the ‘60s theme with a medley of hits from the decade. David Archuleta and Garrett Haley begin “Needles and Pins”, sounding all kinds of wrong together. Then it’s Jason Castro and Robbie Carrico, who LOOK all kinds of wrong together. The rest of the guys, all decked out in black suits, slowly join in. There’s a quick jump to “When You Walk in the Room,” which confused me because they made it sound like it was part of the same song. The girls come strutting out, looking a bit odd in their individual black-and-white outfits, but it’s better than boring black suits. They’re belting out “Spanish Harlem”, giving some life to the performance. And all together, it’s “Bend Me Shape Me,” which is probably the only song that most teens or 20-somethings would recognize. At the end, they all crowd together for one of those crazy group “everybody-squish-in!” pictures. Twenty-four people! I’m telling you, we need to get rid of four at a time more often.
Now, for that moment we’ve all been waiting for. The very first elimination of the season! Sorta. They never seem like a very big deal at this stage, do they. The guys are the first to receive the bad news. I fast-forward through the recap of the guys’ performances, because, hello, I’ve already seen them. Ryan calls Garrett Haley up to the stage and asks him how he’s doing. “Great!” he responds. “Well, tonight, I have to say good-bye to you,” says Ryan. Whoa. Um, ouch? I’m so used to Ryan’s usual hemming and hawing that this just feels cold and brutal. Way to start off with a downer. Garrett doesn’t exactly look surprised, but Jason Castro and David Hernandez kinda have this “Oh crap!” look on their faces. Garrett gets his traditional “one last performance” and now his “Breaking up Is Hard to Do” sounds all too appropriate.
Time for the very SECOND elimination of the season! Whoo! It’s time for the ladies to feel the wrath of my fast-forward button. My memory might not be that good, but I can remember one friggin’ night ago. Geez. Besides, some of those songs put me to sleep. Like “Where the Boys Are”. Who still sings that song anymore? Haven’t people learned yet? Anyway, Ryan calls Kristy Lee Cook up first, and after what happened to Garrett, I’m sure she’s trembling in fear. But Ryan won’t pull the same stunt twice, so she’s safe. Instead, while Kristy is standing there next to him, he says that Amy Davis is going home. Dude. What is up with the quick one-two punches? I mean, I expected her to go home, but at least give her a chance to prepare. Paula graces her with advice, “…Now you have millions of people, and it’s your chance now to do whatever you want to do… you gotta… you gotta paint that door and that knob and go for it.” Um… right. Remember that, kids.
Back from the break, American Idol has changed to Pimp Out Paula. We’re exposed to Paula’s new single. Not just a clip. The whole video. I’ll be honest and say I DO like the new song… but at the same time, when I first heard it, I never in a million years would have identified the singer as Abdul. It looks like she’s been taking notes from Janet Jackson. Again, not a bad thing. I will say this: computers, voice modifications, and auto-tuners have come a long way. But I’m not here to recap Paula. Where did American Idol go?
It’s Elimination Number Three! Back to the ladies. Ryan calls Amanda Overmyer and Joanne Borgella to the center of the stage. “Everyone still sitting on the sofa is safe,” announces Ryan. Wow, well that just took all the suspense out of this portion. I highly doubt Amanda will make it all the way to the end, but there’s no way she’s being sent home on the very first night. Sure enough, Amanda’s safe (duh), and Joanne is sent home. Both Randy and Simon tell her that she’d had better performances, and that her ONE “off” night is what cost her. She sings “I Say a Little Prayer” as Ramiele Malubay cries buckets.
¡Eliminación Cuatro! Someone from the group of gentlemen will be going home. Ryan calls Chikezie Now-I’m-Too-Cool-For-My-Last-Name and Colton Berry to the stage. The lights dim. If it were up to me, Chikezie would be going home because I hate arrogant cheesiness, but Colton’s the one eliminated. Danny Noriega is pouting, but I’m not sure if that’s because he’s sad or because he’s always kinda pouting. Ryan asks Paula for advice for Colton. She babbles something positive. Cowell tells Colton to go get a job and just enjoy singing as a hobby. Y’know, the first time I heard that, I thought it was mean. The second time around, I can’t help but giggle a little bit. Colton sings us out. And yes, Ramiele is still crying.
I’m just glad What’s-His-Face is gone. See? I’ve forgotten his name already. Y’know, that guy. The young one. Who sang badly. Yeah, him.
Let’s enjoy the colors of the universe together at firstname.lastname@example.org.