Tonight’s host is none other than GatsbyGirl, aka GiGi, aka GG, aka Christina Marie. Please welcome GatsbyGirl!

Holding for applause.

Still holding.

Okay, that’s enough. For now.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the second annual Reality Shack Awards. If this year’s awards sounds vaguely familiar, chalk it up to perhaps me using the exact same column from last year and simply replacing some names and commentary. Now on with the fake show!

Here to present the first award of the evening is Reality Shack moderator, Jade.

[i]Jade[/i]
The first award for the night is for BEST CATCH PHRASE OR ONE-LINER. The nominees are:

“Did he just say ‘dirty penis’?”- Ben Stein, America’s Most Smartest Model

”Brooke was slutacious. She was the whore of Charm School. A slutacious whore.” Mo’nique, Charm School

“That was beautiful! Like a big, gray albatross!” Bruno from DWTS

“SOVIET!” Andre- AMSM

“I’d do that for a dollar!” Eric, BB8

The first shackie of the second annual fake awards goes to:
[b] “Did he just say ‘dirty penis’?” said by Ben Stein on America’s Most Smartest Model [/b].

~ ~ ~ Ben Stein stands up, salutes the audience, kissing Mary Alice Stephenson right on her mouth, and gets to the stage. He bows to Jade, takes his award, and says, “Like Charles VII besieging and capturing the remaining English strongholds in 1453, I have won. Also, thank you, Gaston, for thinking that penises smell bad.” Ben salutes the audience and exits. Bruno jumps on his seat, pointing at Ben, yelling, “He looks like a beautiful albatross!” ~ ~ ~

[i]Jade[/i] Our next presenter is currently riding an all-time high from winning his last mafia game. Please welcome Brian.

[i]Brian[/i]
The second category is an intriguing one. Here are the nominees for BEST TWIST.

U-Turn, TAR

Female geek and male beauty, Beauty and the Geek

Tribe Selection, Survivor Fiji

The Black team, Biggest Loser

The winner of this category is:
[b] U-Turn on The Amazing Race. [/b]

~ ~ ~Phil Keoghan appears on stage and says, “For the second year in a row, we’ve wowed you with our twists. Hopefully, we’ll twist you some more next season!” ~ ~ ~

[i]Brian[/i]
The next category is WORST TWIST. The nominees are:

Rivals, BB8

Swapping two tribe mates, Survivor China

The winner is:
[b] Swapping tribemates, Survivor China[/b]

~ ~ ~ Mark Burnett runs to the stage and grabs his Shackie, holding it high over his head. Jeff Probst is on his heels, calling out, “Now Mark is in first. Can he keep holding onto that trophie?” Mark stops himself from giving his thank you speech and asks Probst, “Why are you giving a play-by-play? The season is over.” Probst continues, “Burnett’s getting real tired now, delusional.” Mark Burnett calls for security who escort him to his seat and escort Probst far, far away so he can be muzzled properly. ~ ~ ~

[i]Brian[/i]
Please welcome our next presenter, Polomex.

[i]Polomex[/i]
Everyone loves a good strategy whether it be in a reality show competition or on a Reality Shack game forum. Here are the nominees for BEST STRATEGIZER IN A REALITY SHOW COMPETITION.

Todd, Survivor China

Eric, BB8

Yau Man, Survivor Fiji

Amanda, Survivor China

And according to your votes, the best strategizer is:
[b] Todd, Survivor China[/b]

~ ~ ~ Todd leaps up on stage and takes his Shackie from Polomex. “None of this could be possible without the cast of dopes I duped, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I’ve watched Survivor forever and now I’m part of it, and life can’t get any better!” Todd runs back to his seat, holding his award high. ~ ~ ~

[i]Polomex[/i] continues,

Now, the nominees for the WORST STRATEGIZER IN A REALITY SHOW COMPETITION.

PG, Survivor China

Amber, BB8

Blonde Rachel Myers, AMSM

Denise, Survivor China

The worst strategizer according to your votes is:
[b]Amber, BB8 [/b]

~ ~ ~ The audience applauds and waits but Amber doesn’t arrive. ~ ~ ~

[i] Polomex[/i]
I’ll accept this award on Amber’s behalf. Perhaps she didn’t have a game plan for how to get here. So now welcome ODedOnRealityTV.

[i]OD[/i]
Speaking of games and competition, let’s take a look at our nominees for MOST ENTERTAINING FORUM GAME.

Mafia 8

Mafia 9

Mafia 10

RS TAR game

The winner is:
[b] RS TAR Game [/b]

~ ~ ~ Brian takes the stage. “I’d like to thank The Amazing Race for letting me steal all their ideas and all the players at Reality Shack for playing! Brian hugs OD and then does the cha cha slide until he gets backstage. ~ ~ ~

[i]OD[/i]
While we’re on the topic of forums, here are the nominees for MOST ENTERTAINING FORUM TOPIC:

Mafia X, The Beverage (Dead peeps section for Mafia X kills)

YouTube video threads

Random chat

And the most entertaining topic is:
[b]You Tube video thread[/b]

~ ~ ~ Aurora climbs on stage, grabs the award, and does her impression of Brian’s impression last year of Sally Field: “You like me! You really like me! Thank you, You Tube, for getting our forums hoppin!” She walks off-stage, waving to the adoring crowd. ~ ~ ~

[i] OD[/i]
Finally, the nominees for BEST FORUM POST are:

Brian’s Secret Agent story post in Mafia X

Aurora’s bork bork bork post

And the Shackie goes to:
[b] Aurora’s bork bork bork post[/b]

~ ~ ~ Once again, Aurora comes on stage and says, “Seriously, I didn’t even remember writing that. KWIM?” She and OD to the Macarena and leave the stage while the next presenter, Chippewa, comes up front and center. ~ ~ ~

[i]Chippewa[/i]
Hosting is one of the hardest jobs to do well. Some reality show personalities have wowed us with their skill. Here are the nominees for BEST HOST.

Julie Chen, BB

Padma Lakshme, Top Chef

Phil Keoghan, TAR

Jerry Springer, America’s Got Talent

Pat Kernan, World Series of Pop Culture

The award goes to:

[b]Phil from The Amazing Race[/b] for the second year in a row!

~ ~ ~ Phil, remembering what happened last year with Wayne Brady, Julie Chen, Dave Navarro, and Caroline Rhea trying to impede his way to the stage, uses his Fast Forward and must eat a pigeon feather, a delicacy in Alkdfglijoijstan, to receive a key to an underground passageway to get to the stage. He takes his award and says, “You know the speech—number of countries, hours, miles it took to get here, yadda yadda, yadda, I still have a sexy accent. Thank you!” He returns to the secret passageway just in time to miss Jerry Springer’s fan club chanting JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY while throwing chairs and mackin it with their sisters. ~ ~ ~

Chippewa says, The next category is for WORST HOST. The nominees are:

The chick, aka Alison Sweeney, from Biggest Loser

Mike Richards from Beauty and the Geek

Jeff Probst, Survivor

Ryan Seacrest, AI

Samantha Harris, DWTS

The worst host according to your votes is:
[b]Mike Richards from Beauty And The Geek[/b]

~ ~ ~ Jeff Probst comes out of nowhere, babbling: “Samantha Harris is clapping but does she really mean it? Can she hang on? Will Mike Richards develop a personality before Alison Sweeney does? Will Ryan—where is Ryan? Ryan has fallen off the face of the planet!”

Ryan yells out, “I’m right here!” but yet again, no one hears him because he’s so little. Security rounds up Probst once more and Mike Richards finally makes it to the stage to claim his award. However, since he really has no personality, he has no acceptance speech and walks away and no one cares. ~ ~ ~ Chippewa introduces the next presenter, ExodusPart 2.

[i]Exodus[/i]
Hosting may be a difficult job, but judging is even more challenging. Here are the nominees for BEST JUDGE:

Ben Stein, AMSM

Michael Kors, Project Runway

Nina Garcia, Project Runway

Bruno, DWTS

Sharon Osborne, America’s Got Talent

The award goes to:
[b]Bruno from Dancing With The Stars[/b]

~ ~ ~ Sharon Osborne stands up and claps for Bruno, cheering him on: “If if fuckin couldn’t be fuckin’ me, then fuckin’ good for you, Fuckin Bruno! Fuck fuck fuckin wonderful!” Bruno blows kisses to everyone on his way up the aisle and pirouettes and leaps on stage. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I feel like a big pink flamingo with batteries in my pants! I give me a TEN!” Ben Stein says, “Like the great elephants of Hannibal crossing the Alps, I fall to the greatness of Bruno.” Bruno shouts, “Ole!” apropos of nothing and jives off stage. ~ ~ ~

[i]Exodus[/i]
Continuing on with the judges, let’s look at who’s nominated for WORST JUDGE.

Mary Alice Stephenson, AMSM

David Hasselhoff, America’s Got Talent

Mary Whatsername, SYTYCD

Randy Jackson, AI

Paula Abdul, AI

And the worst judge award goes to. . . It’s our first tie of the year! The worst judges are:
[b] Mary Whatsername from So You Think You Can Dance and, for the second year in a row, David Hasselhoff, America’s Got Talent[/b]

~ ~ ~ David Hasselhoff tries to make it to the stage but he teeters over into a hambuger in his lap from hittin the bottle too hard yet again. Mary Whastername does the Electric Slide up to the stage and says, “WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, hahahahahaha, I’m on that groove train now, woooowoooooo!” No one knows what the heck she’s talking about so she Electric Slides back to her seat. Hasselhoff? Still out cold. ~ ~ ~

Exodus shrugs and continues:

The nominees for MOST ENTERTAINING JUDGE are:

Paula Abdul

Ms. J, ANTM

Bruno, DWTS

And the winner is:
[b]Bruno, DWTS[/b]

~ ~ ~ Ms. J stands up in his three foot afro, fifteen ruffle collars, and five in pumps, swivels on his heel, and struts out of the building, workin it. Bruno waltzes onto the stage again, grabs his Shackie, and says, “TEN! TEN! TEN! I’m like a bright green boa constrictor with feet and a bow tie!” He grabs Exodus and waltzes off stage with him as Exodus introduces the next presenter, Rebelyeahright. ~ ~ ~

[i]Rebel[/i]
We’ve seen our fair share of sleaze this year. Here are the nominees for SLEAZIEST PERSONALITY.

Dick, BB8

Nick, BB8

Tila Tequila, Shot at Love

Andy, The Bachelor 10

VJ, AMSM

The award for sleaze goes to:
[b]Dick, BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ Dick stands, gives everyone the finger, gets to the stage, farts into the microphone, takes his Shackie and says, “While I may not hold my gas, I don’t think I’m all that sleazy. Rude? Yes. Biting? Of course. But sleazy? You can suck it.” He kisses the award, farts again, and runs off stage, flipping everyone off one more time, and then lights a cigarette. ~ ~ ~

Rebel says, The next award is for MOST ENTERTAINING PERSONALITY. Let’s see the nominees:

Jen, BB8

Goths, TAR

Eric, BB8

Dick, BB8

Ross the intern, Celebrity Fit Club

The winner is:
[b]Jen, BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ Jen bounds to the stage in her red unitard and waves the award at Dick who is still in the wings of he stage. “Thank you, me, for being me, and being so loveable and entertaining!” She struts off stage and Dick flips her off, now smoking three cigarettes all at once. ~ ~ ~

Rebel announces the next award, MOST ANNOYING PERSONALITY. The nominees are:

Nate and Jen, TAR

Jen, BB8

Dick, BB8

Andre, America’s Most Smartest Model

Mirna, TAR all stars

Danielle, BB8

The most annoying personality according to your votes is:
[b]Danielle, BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ Danielle comes to the stage and she and Dick hug and say that they’ll work things out and then she tries to give a thank you speech but no one understands her because she’s whining too much. She and Dick sit down and Rebel introduces the next announcer, Niffer. ~ ~ ~

[i]Niffer[/i]
The next category is BEST MOMENT IN 07. The nominees are:

Edguardo’s blindside, Survivor

Jen’s meltdown, cig steal, and the ensuing fight, BB8

Heather Mills falling on DWTS

The airing of Mission Man Band

James getting voted out after not using either of his immunity idols, Survivor China

The winner is:
[b]Edguardo’s blindside, Survivor[/b]

~ ~ ~ Edguardo comes up to the stage, frantically looking over his shoulder and under the seats. “You never know what’s lurking…” he starts to say but is interrupted. Guess who. Probst starts commentating, “So Edguardo, do you think this is the best move you can make? Where’s your torch? Listen to me, dammit! I’m important!” Niffer calls security who yet again have to escort him out. ~ ~ ~

[i]GatsbyGirl[/i]
I hope you’re all enjoying the fake awards so far. The awards were tabulated using forum posts, PMs, and an intricate system of asterisks and counting. Votes have not been verified and all actions in this award show are completely fictitious. Now, I give you the next presenter, Chauncy.

[i]Chauncy[/i]
The next category is for WORST MOMENT OF 07. The nominees are:

Dreamz keeping the immunity idol, Survivor

Denise lying about her job, Survivor China

Brandi M projectile pukes at dinner, Rock of Love

Dick and Daniel winning first and second, BB8

The Reality Shack award goes to:
[b]Dick and Danielle winning BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ The Donatos jump up, cheering for themselves. Danielle cries hysterically and shakes uncontrollably. Dick flips everyone off, takes the award, says, “All my rocker friends are awesome!” and they sit down as Danielle weeps herself into a puddle. ~ ~ ~

Chauncy then announces the next category.

The MOST MEMORABLE EXIT nominees are:

Chicken, Survivor China

Pickel gets purged, AMSM

Anyone leaving Grease, when they all sing the good bye song, Grease

Jaime, Survivor China (after trying to use the immunity idol that wasn’t an immunity idol)

Sam lays a big kiss on Bret, Rock of Love

The winner is:
[b]Jaime from Survivor China[/b]

~ ~ ~ Jaime comes to the stage, holding a big rock. She thanks everyone for the award. Chauncy steps in: “Uh, Jaime, that’s not the Shackie.” Jaime looks puzzled. She puts down the rock and picks up an ice crea cone and starts to thank everyone. Chauncy steps in again: “Jaime, that’s still not the trophy.” Jaime is even more confused and before Chauncy can hand over the real award, Probst comes down from the rafters on a self-made pulley system and says, “Can Jaime hold out any longer? Can she stay on stage long enough to find the real trophy?” Jaime takes the trophy from Chauncy and nails Probst with it, square inthe nose. “Shut. Up. Probst!” Chauncy gets Jeff Probst down from his pulley and security whisks him away as Vire starts to present the next award.

[i]Vire[/i]
Things at the Shack awards are as wild as we are! Let’s see the wild nominees for BEST WINNER IN A COMPETITION.

Dick, BB8

Jes, Rock of Love

Saaphyrii, Charm School

Helio and Julianne, DWTS

The best winner is:
[b]Dick, BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ “I guess you people love sleazy, then, you bunch of contradictory numb-nuts! You hate that me and Danielle won first and second, yet I’m your pick for best winner? I know a hypocrite when I see a hypocrite and you are all hypocrites!” Dick doesn’t even get out of his seat to get the award. Vire says, “Okay, well, I’ll just hold this award here for you.” Dick holds up the devil horns.

[i]Vire[/i]
We can’t have a best winner without a WORST WINNER. Here are the nominees:

Dick, BB8

VJ, AMSM

Stephanie, The Apprentice LA

Eric and Danielle, TAR All Stars

Your worst winner is:
[b]Dick, BB8[/b]

~ ~ ~ “You people are pathetically contrary!” Dick gets up, farts, and goes up on stage, taking a Shackie in each hand. “But when it comes down to it, I do love you all.” Then he cries a little, flips everyone off, and sits down.

The next presenter, NiceGuy, comes to the mic.

[i]NiceGuy[/i]
Our next category is FUNNIEST MOMENT OF 07. Let’s see who’s nominated:

Michelle falling off the platform, Survivor

Celebrities get tasered, Armed and Famous

Entertainer wears a helmet to protect him from spirits, ILNY2

Samantha Harris fumbles the words going to a clip (she says something like we’llbabblekerfuffles back), DWTS

Edgardo blindsided at Tribal Council, Survivor Fiji

Heather Mills Falls, DWTS

The winner is:
[b]Michelle falling off the platform on Survivor[/b]

~ ~ ~ Michelle falls out of her chair, tumbles down the aisle, crawls on stage, trips over herself, takes the Shackie, and falls off stage. NiceGuy, being a nice guy, picks her up and carries her to her seat. ~ ~ ~

The next presenter, Night, takes the stage.

[i]Night[/i]
Howdy all. Here are the nominees for SHOW THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK.

The Mole

Pirate Master

Rockstar

Mission Man Band

Treasure Hunters

The winner is:
[b]The Mole[/b] for a second year in a row.

~ ~ ~ The ABC execs all head up to the stage and say, Well, you’ve got your show back. The Mole will air this season on ABC!!!!! And there is much rejoicing. ~ ~ ~

Night then announces, the nominees for SHOW THAT SHOULD GO AWAY:

I Love NY

The Bachelor

Survivor

Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

Wife Swap

The Shackie goes to:
[b]A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila[/b]

~ ~ ~ Tila cackles and gives everyone sitting in an aisle seat a lap dance. Before she gets to the stage, Ashely starts another fight, screaming, I love you Tila! and punching people as Vanessa weeps and cries, “Why didn’t she pick me????” Then they all get drunk and have to be carried out.

Hautmncs comes on stage as the next presenter.

[i]Hautumncs[/i]
First I want to say that I still love The Hoff. Secondly, the nominees for MOST DETAILED RECAPS are:

LauraBelle for The Biggest Loser

LauraBelle for BB Live Feeds

Polomex for Dancing With The Stars

The award goes to….wait, it’s another tie!
[b]LauraBelle for The Biggest Loser and LauraBelle for BB Live Feeds [/b]

~ ~ ~ LauraBelle gets on stage and says, “Thanks to Biggest Loser and all the contestants on Big Brother and for the Shack audience for readin my recaps and keeping me entertained. Now I’m off to break some boards with my hands!” ~ ~ ~

Hautumncs then announces the nominee for FUNNIEST RECAPS:

GatsbyGirl for I Love New York 2

The winner is, not surprisingly:

[b]GatsbyGirl[/b]

~ ~ ~ GatsbyGirl does the cabbage patch out from backstage. “Thank you for voting for me and not for no one who was nominated against me in this category. Winning by default is still a win in my book! Keep the crazy alive! Three cheers for the nutloafs!” ~ ~ ~

[i]BrazeGoesMoo[/i] is the next presenter.

The next category is MOST SCANDALOUS MOMENTS. The nominees are:

Jen stealing the cigs, BB8

Jason tells Lauren he has a girlfriend, The Hills

VJ cheats his way to win, AMSM

Denise lying about her job, Survivor China

The Reality Shack award goes to:
[b]Denise for lying about her job on Survivor China[/b]

~ ~ ~ Braze takes the award and explains that Denise had to work and couldn’t be here to accept the award. ~ ~ ~

Now, the nominees for BEST NEW SHOW are:

America’s Most Smartest Model

Kid Nation

Charm School

Armed and Famous

Rock of Love

The winner is:
[b]Kid Nation[/b]

~ ~ ~Braze explains, “The kids were planning to go up on stage but their parents threatened lawsuits for violating labor laws even though they already agreed to let their kids accept the award, so I’m accepting it on their behalf.” ~ ~ ~

Then [i]djqwicksilver[/i] presents the next award.

The nominees for WORST NEW SHOW are:

Clash of the Choirs

Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

Grease You’re The One That I Want

Hey, Paula

On The Lot

The award goes to two shows for another tie!:
[b]Hey, Paula and On The Lot[/b]

~ ~ ~ Paula Abdul weeps and shakes and no one from On The Lot comes to get the award because no one knew who was on it or where to find them because no one really watched it all that much. Paula finally gets to the stage with the help of her hair dresser, grabs the trophy, collapses from the weight of it because she’s an itty bitty thing, claps oddly, and is carried off. ~ ~ ~

Djqwiksilver shrugs and introduces the final presenter, Aurora.

[i]Aurora[/i]
The last two awards of the night are for the best and worst shows of the season. The nominees for WORST SHOW OF THE SEASON are:

Survivor Fiji

The Bachelor

Pirate Master

Gay Straight or Taken

Clash of the Choirs

The winner of the worst is…a tie!:
[b]Pirate Master and Gay, Straight, or Taken[/b]

~ ~ ~ “ARG!!!!” fifteen people in eye patches come to the stage with parrots on their shoulders. “This is good booty!” They take the trophy and leave. Aurora takes the other award and says, “I’ll accept this award on behalf of the cast and crew of Gay, Straight, or Taken. Right now, they’re trying to figure out more ways to screw with people’s emotions.” ~ ~ ~

The nominees for BEST SHOW OF THE SEASON are:

BB8

Survivor China

TAR 12

Celebrity Fit Club

DWTS 5

The winner of the best season of 07 is:
[b]Survivor China[/b]

~ ~ ~ On cue, Jeff Probst emerges from a secret door in the stage floor with a torch and a necklace made of bamboo and tea leaves. “The tribe has spoken! The TRIBE has SPOKEN!!!!” Aurora doesn’t even need to call security. They’re already swarming.

[i]GatsbyGirl[/i]
That about wraps it up for us. Plenty of surprises and the usual chaos. Thanks for a great year. Hope 08 is just as entertaining!

Disagree with the results? You should have voted! Or you can complain about it in the forums. Email or PM me if you like but there’s not much I can do to change them. “The tribe has spoken.” Jeez, shut UP, Probst.