Let’s talk a little bit about how I need to learn how to cook. I can cook some things. I can’t cook fancy things. I favor health over taste. I don’t really eat a whole lot of red meat so I don’t know any recipes for it.
Having said all that, today and every day from now on, I’m going to slide into my hottest ass-looks-good jeans, pull on a tank over a padded bra to show some cleavage, strap on some stilettos, and head on over to the local supermarket in full make-up. Then, as I stroll up and down the aisles with my shopping cart that screeches and creaks and gets stuck on the one bad wheel, I will pray to the gods of cooking. I will hope that Chef Curtis Stone shows up to teach me how to cook. Then I will take him home with me. Then I will put him in a little box and keep him on a shelf. I will take him out to play sometimes.
TLC’s Take Home Chef is an entertaining and informative show about cooking and accosting people in the supermarket. Chef Curtis is oh so dreamy complete with blonde spiky locks, piercing baby blues, a bright pearly white smile, and sexy accent. He goes up to random women in the supermarket and asks if he can help them cook dinner for their spouses. I hated this show until they started to accost not just married women, but other women who had boyfriends or girlfriends or roommates that they needed to cook for. Yeah, those of us who aren’t married actually do eat too.
So the woman always says yes because no one can say no to Chef Curtis. He follows the woman around as she pushes her shopping cart. He loads up on all kinds of meat, poultry, and fish. He then adds in some stuff for dessert. Mmm, he always has dessert. Wine is usually involved as well. Chef Curtis pays for the groceries, carries them out to the car, and then they go buy something really cool for the kitchen like a meat cleaver or a potato masher.
Chef Curtis then unloads the groceries for the woman and sets up the kitchen to cook. He shows the women how to dice properly. How to sauté properly. How to drink wine while cooking. After they throw a few dishes partially together, he tells the woman to go get ready for dinner while he finishes up.
The husband, boyfriend, friend, and/or roommate eventually shows up. Everyone panics for a second as Chef Curtis and the woman drop their cooking tools and pick up more wine. The husband, boyfriend, friend, and/or roommate comes in as the camera crew yells surprise. The woman introduces Chef Curtis and hands the surprisee a goblet of alcohol. Then Chef Curtis explains what’s going on and they all sit down and drink.
Chef Curtis serves the meal. The woman and the surprisee drink and eat. Chef Curtis finishes the last dish, serves the last food and wine, and then wishes them well.
Then he tells us that next time we go to the supermarket, we should look our best because we never know when he’ll surprise us. Hence my plan to hike it to the grocery store in my best stilettos.
[b]And THIS is why I love reality tv[/b]: It encourages domesticity and offers you a chance to own a hunky chef.
Hmm? What? What do you mean I don’t get to keep him. It’s “take home” chef. Well, screw that, then. I ain’t cooking a dang thing if I can’t keep him.
Email me if you know of any hunky chef who would like to stay on my shelf for an undetermined amount of time. Chat in the forums about hunky Chef Curtis. See why I’m an [b][url=http://www.newsday.com/impulse]Impulse All-Star[/url].[/b]