home Archive And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: Angry Bonaduce, Pathetic Sizemore, No No Dice

And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: Angry Bonaduce, Pathetic Sizemore, No No Dice

VH1’s new goal for this decade is to make its viewers as uncomfortable as possible. Their Celebreality series of shows lures people in and then pounces on them with a big bite of awkwardness followed by venom laced with discombobulation. The triple threat that causes a collective squirm? Breaking Bonaduce, Shooting Sizemore, and Dice Undisputed.

Danny Bonaduce did not have to make a reality show. He was doing fine on radio. He had The Other Half for a few years with Dick Clark. Now he’s hosting that game show where people put on huge heads of celebrities in the second round. Still, Bonaduce caught the reality bug, thinking that airing his therapy on television would be great for his marriage. I can’t believe that the psychology world is very approving of this move. Therapy is supposed to be private and between the people who need help. How can therapy work when it’s entertainment?

The original commercials for Breaking Bonaduce were as disturbing as the show. Black and white snippets of tears, rage, and yelling. Even the title reeks inappropriate. Break him in. Break the Bonaduce wall. Bend him until he snaps.

The entertainment factor goes far beyond the therapy sessions. The story that sums up the show most is the episode where he and his son Xerox daddy’s penis. The red head unzips, unfurls, smothers, and copies his member to the glee of his young son. Who needs therapy when you have a photocopy machine?

Tom Sizemore has made enough headlines with his stalking charges. No need to make a bad situation worse. Shooting Sizemore is a euphemism for Tom Sizemore Is Broke And Needs To Exploit His Rockbottom Situation To Get Paid. Not only do we see therapy, but we also see detox. Drug use. Tom Sizemore moaning, being incoherent, and then completing a score-ten face plant into the sidewalk when he needs to get his stomach pumped because his blood is 80 percent narcotic.

The commercials are, yet again, disturbing. Grainy black and whites with smoke and drugs. Then there’s Sizemore’s wrinkled frowning face. There’s Sizemore’s voice gruffly explaining that he’s hit rockbottom.

Unfortunately, or thankfully, there’s no penile entertainment. There’s only Tom who emanates pathetic.

Now Andrew Dice Clay is making a comeback. Again. The snippets that come on every hour on the hour in a countdown to the show’s premier are enough to see that this show is much like the other two. Dice was big. Then he wasn’t. Now he’s back.

What they don’t mention is that he’s already come back twice. Just like a cockroach, he came back to do a sitcom. Okay, maybe cockroaches don’t do sitcoms but you can’t blame me for mixing metaphors after trying to wrap my brain around these three shows at once. On the sitcom, he was Andrew Clay, “no dice.” He had a cleaner image. That failed. So then he came back again as Andrew Dice Clay for a comedy special. Remember that? Neither does the majority of the world.

His commercials are not in black and white but they do show that he’s gotten older, more bitter, and has white sideburns. I’m pretty sure the show is shot with a camcorder a la Chaotic only without the southern accents. Instead, we’ve got East Coast accents and leather jackets and fingerless gloves.

How many comebacks is one person allowed? Or does it count as a comeback if it doesn’t stick? I don’t think this one will either. I wonder if he’ll show his junk.

[b]And THIS is why I love reality tv[/b]: It makes people uncomfortable but in the way that may deter people from going off the straight and narrow. It’s an omen of what will happen if you do what you shouldn’t do. Sometimes the disturbing is a blessing.

Unless that involves Bonaduce’s package. There’s no blessing in that.

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