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And THIS Is Why I Love Reality TV: White Hot White Rappers



Remember the days when VH1 played Michael Bolton? It was the music channel for adults while MTV was for kids. Now VH1 is the music channel for oddities. Danny Bonaduce’s therapy sessions, Tom Seizmore’s very uncomfortable rehab, Surreal Life celebrities, and of course Flavor Flav and Bobble Head NY. So The White Rapper Show should surprise no one. Aside from the incredibly uncreative title, the show gives talented people a forum. I can’t even explain how big my smile is when this show comes on. I can’t shut it off. You shouldn’t either. This is why.

Let’s start off with the white rappers. They’re a bunch of white people, in varying shades of white, who rap. Yes, the title tells all. One blonde girl with big boobs is from the UK and that’s all she raps about. Persia is the heavier girl with long black hair who lives rap loves rap. There’s a little blonde girl who’s shorter than I am whose idol is Vanilla Ice. A guy with a Mohawk and a guy who has white guilt are also in the mix. Then there’s John Brown. He’s the king of the suburbs. He wants a ghetto revival. He can speak of nothing else but the ghetto revival. He can’t quite explain what the ghetto revival is but he knows it’s important and it involves the ghetto and revival. He doesn’t get along with Persia for the most part, their tension reaching its peak when she slaps his face with her dildo, I shit you not. But now, they’re friends because that’s what fights with sex toys do—they meld unbreakable friendships.

The host is MC Serch who is also a rapper but he’s an older rapper who has a bit of gray coming in when he stands in certain light. Which is sexy. He was in 3rd Base, the rap group that sang, Pop goes the weasel and the weasel goes pop. Not to be confused with the nursery rhyme pop goes the weasel. He’s a lefty which makes him cool because I’m a lefty. Also, he offers constructive criticism as well as a good amount of eye rolling and jaw dropping when the contestants do really stupid things. Whenever he enters the house, he makes this sound like whoop-whoop or diggity diggity. Again, I don’t know what it means.

The contestants all live together in this big brick building called Tha White House. Heehee. That’s so they can make jokes about impeachment. Inside they have rooms that look like a backyard and a city stoop. Every episode, the white rappers participate in a challenge about rap knowledge and culture, meaning African-American or black culture. The rapper who wins gets a Ghetto Pass, which means he or she can’t be eliminated that day. Ghetto Pass. Yeah. It’s a pass they wear around their neck. Sweet.

Then the losers have to make up a rap for the end of the show to prove they can stay. To ensure that they have a quiet place to write their rhymes, they go into the Ice Ice Room of Secretive Lyrics. It’s not a cold room but it’s a white room with all white pillows. Shouldn’t it be black? Or maybe I’m missing the concept here. Also, instead of getting email, there’s a huge fake jar of mayonnaise and they get mayo, which is a video of MC Search giving them instructions. I’m lost on that point too. I would so not win this show.

So at the end, each white rapper up for elimination raps about the topic MC Serch gave them to write about in the Ice Ice Room. Then whoever does the worst has to go home. OH! I forgot. The BEST part is the sneakers! All the white rappers have to wear these canvas sneakers–I’m pretty sure they’re Converse– that have their names graffiti airbrushed onto them. Then when MC Serch makes teams, they have to give him a sneaker and he chooses them at random and puts all the sneakers together and then they have teams. So at the end, when they lose, MC Serch says, Give me your sneakers and step off! Actually, he says something that rhymes because it’s supposed to be a rap. I think it’s: This ends where we last left off….gimme your converse and now step off. No, that’s wrong, but you get the gist.

In one episode, MC Serch goes ballistic because the loser doesn’t want to give up his sneakers or something and talks back to MC Serch. MC Serch screams, I’m not here to play and this is not a game! Actually, I thought it was a game. You see, Serch, that’s the whole point of these reality competitions. One person wins. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what the prize here is. Maybe a record contract. Maybe the best white rapper suddenly becomes black. I don’t know.

The OTHER BEST part is at the end when MC Serch comes outside which is actually still inside created to look like outside. Anyway, he comes inside out with the sneakers he took away from the loser and he throws them up in the air. The sneakers, which are tied together, come down over a fake electric wire. You know, the way kids throw each other’s crap over the wires like they probably do in the ghetto and then rap about. Then at the very end, the loser has to do a very lame skit with Step and Off, characters that say Step Off one more time.

[b]And THIS is why I love reality tv[/b]: It teaches you about other cultures. Kinda.

I mean, look at everything I’ve learned so far: Hallelujah hollah back y’all. A sex toy makes a good weapon.

I’d also like to point out that I’m a poet. I make a really good poet, actually. However, I can’t rap. Therefore, rap is not poetry. If rap were poetry, we would call it “poetry.” See? Living proof that it’s not the same thing. Thank you for your time.

Join the Christina Should Be The Next White Rapper Campaign by emailing me or chatting in the forums. You can also read all about what I like and what I don’t at [url=http://www.newsday.com/impulse]New York Newsday’s Impulse page[/url].


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