About GatsbyGirl

http://www.facebook.com/poetsinnassau Click on Groups to join the group if you're a writer or like writers.

First Annual Reality Shack Awards Ceremony! : And THIS Is Why WE Love Reality TV



Welcome to the first annual Reality Shack Awards! Tonight’s host is GatsbyGirl, aka GiGi the exotic dancer and by exotic that means not truck stop stripper but classy belly dancer with lots of scarves to cover up, aka Christina Marie. And now, ladies and gentlemen, GatsbyGirl!

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the first annual Reality Shack Awards. Thank you, me, for introducing me. Instead of offering lame jokes and skits as most awards shows do, we’re going to jump right into the awards. Here to present the first award of the evening is Reality Shack moderator, Jade.

[i]Jade[/i]
The first award for the night is for [b]BEST CATCH PHRASE OR ONE-LINER[/b]. The nominees are:

“Spool of Lies” Howie (and Janelle), BB7

“[Choosing between Alison and Danielle] is like trying to decide between gonorrhea and the clap” Marcellas, BB 7

“Then I realize, oh my God, I’m having sex” Jen, The Real World Denver

“[You’re dancing as if] you have extra batteries in your pants!” Bruno, Dancing With The Stars

“I hate you all” Dr. Will, BB7

The first ever reality shack award goes to:
[b] “Then I realize, oh my God, I’m having sex!” said by Jen from The Real World Denver[/b]. Jen come on down and get your award.

~ ~ ~ Audience looks on clapping, waiting for Jen to arrive. Jen is nowhere in sight. ~ ~ ~

[i]Jade[/i]
Apparently Jen is currently taking a sex education class so I accept this award on her behalf. Now please welcome our next presenter, Brian.

[i]Brian[/i]
The second category is full of intrigue. Here are the nominees for [b]BEST TWIST[/b].

TAR “marked for elimination”

Exile Island, Survivor

Mutiny, Survivor

The entire season of American Idol

The winner of this category is:
[b] TAR, Marked for elimination[/b]

But wait. There’s a tie.

The other winner of this category is:
[b] Mutiny on Survivor [/b]

~ ~ ~ Mark Burnett runs to the stage before anyone from the The Amazing Race camp can get there. Still in competition mode, he tears the award out of Brian’s hands and yells into the microphone, “I win! I win!” and runs away in fear of a twist that will eliminate him from the competition. ~ ~ ~

[i]Brian[/i]
If anyone from TAR would like to claim the award, you may have to chase down Burnett as he develops a new reality show based on awards shows.

The next category is [b]WORST TWIST[/b]. The nominees are:

Coup d’etat, BB7

Tribes by Race, Survivor

Wake up calls, BB7

Eliminating 2 teams in the first leg of TAR

The winner is:
[b] Coup d’etat, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Mike Boogie, wearing a purple fedora and orange shorts and sneakers. He says, “I didn’t have to use the coup d’etat but I’m happy I was part of the worst twist in the history of all twists.” However, no one hears his speech because of the overwhelming booing and retching. The audience then goes into a chant: We want Janelle! We want Janelle! Boogie takes a bow and leaves the stage.

[i]Brian[/i]
Please welcome our next presenter, Polomex.

[i]Polomex[/i]
Everyone loves a good strategy whether it be in a reality show competition or on a Reality Shack game forum. Here are the nominees for [b]BEST STRATEGIZER IN A REALITY SHOW COMPETITION[/b].

Yul, Survivor Cook Islands

Will, BB7

Janelle, BB7

Erika, BB7

And according to your votes, the best strategizer is:

[b] Will, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Dr. Will Kirby jumps up from his seat and does the cabbage patch. Dressed in a tux, he saunters to the stage, blowing kisses and high fiving everyone he passes. He takes the award from Polomex and says, “You would think this means something. You would think that winning would make a difference in someone’s life. I’m here to tell you, I could care less. I don’t need you people. I don’t even really like you people. I could have lost this category and still feel the same way as I do now. I mean, I’m nominated for worst strategizer too. You can’t get it straight and you can’t get enough of me. You people have no lives. The only think I thank you for is staying far away from me when this is all said and done. And for those of you who booed Mike Boogie, let me say this—he’s got more money than you could ever imagine. And so do I.” Will drops the award on the floor, raises both hands over his head with the peace sign a la Richard Nixon, and skips off stage.

Polomex picks up the award and continues,

Now, the nominees for the [b]WORST STRATEGIZER IN A REALITY SHOW COMPETITION[/b].

Erika, BB7

Will, BB7

Steve, Unan1mous

Parvarti, Survivor

Jessica, Survivor

The worst strategizer according to your votes is:

[b]Jessica, Survivor [/b]

~ ~ ~ The audience applauds and waits but Jessica doesn’t arrive.

[i] Polomex[/i]
I’ll accept this award on Jessica’s behalf. Perhaps she didn’t have a game plan for how to get here. So now welcome ODedOnRealityTV.

[i]OD[/i]
Speaking of games and competition, let’s take a look at our nominees for [b]MOST ENTERTAINING FORUM GAME[/b].

Sizzlin Summer

Mafia 7

Either/Or

Shack Snuffers

The winner is:
[b] Sizzlin Summer [/b]

~ ~ ~ Brian takes the stage once more. “I’d like to thank Big Brother and all the players of Sizzling Summer. Can’t wait until this summer—it’ll hopefully be just as sizzlin’!” Brian hugs OD and then moonwalks backstage.

[i]OD[/i]
While we’re on the topic of forums, here are the nominees for [b]MOST ENTERTAINING FORUM TOPIC[/b]:

Wii

Random Chat

Reality Shack Awards

And the most entertaining topic is:

[b]Random chat[/b]

~ ~ ~ Brian moonwalks his way back on stage, grabs his award, and tearfully says, You like me! You really like me! He picks up OD, twirls around, and then walks off-stage, waving to the adoring crowd. OD, dizzy from the spin, teeters on the edge of the stage but then regains composure and introduces the next presenter, Chippewa.

[i]Chippewa[/i]
Hosting is one of the hardest jobs to do well. Some reality show personalities have wowed us with their skill. Here are the nominees for [b]BEST HOST[/b].

Phil, The Amazing Race

Julie Chen, BB7

Dave Navarro, Rockstar Supernova

Caroline Rhea, Biggest Loser

Wayne Brady, Celebrity Duets

The award goes to:

[b]Phil from The Amazing Race[/b]

~ ~ ~ Phil takes a detour and completes a road block to get to the stage, only to be yielded by a very upset Wayne Brady who has grabbed a microphone and is singing Build Me Up Buttercup. Dave Navarro comes up behind him to play rhythm guitar and Julie Chen starts doing the robot, trying to get Caroline Rhea to join in. Caroline is having none of it and she grabs Phil and gives him a piggy back ride, plowing through the threesome to get to the stage. Phil high fives Caroline and takes his award, saying, “Eleven seasons, fifty countries, thousands of hours, five good sweaters, two bottles of hair die, and one sexy accent—I am the winner of this award! Thank you!” He then dives off stage to avoid Wayne Brady who has now switched to “Ain’t No Sunshine When You’re Gone.”

Chippewa gets security to clear the stage and says, The next category is for [b]WORST HOST[/b]. The nominees are:

Julie Chen, BB7

Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

Brooke Burke, Rockstar Supernova

Anthony Clark, Last Comic Standing

Samantha Harris, Dancing With The Stars

The worst host according to your votes is:

[b]Ryan Seacrest, American Idol[/b]

~ ~ ~ Ryan, in his tee and blazer, comes to the stage but no one notices because he’s so small. Chippewa accepts the award on Ryan’s behalf as Ryan yells, But I’m right here! Still, no one notices so Chippewa introduces the next presenter, ExodusPart 2.

[i]Exodus[/i]
Hosting may be a difficult job, but judging is even more challenging. Here are the nominees for [b]BEST JUDGE[/b]:

Tom Colicchio, Top Chef

J Alexander, ANTM

Paula Abdul, American Idol

David Hasselhoff, America’s Got Talent

Simon Cowell, American Idol

The award goes to:

[b]Simon Cowell, American Idol[/b]

~ ~ ~ Simon, wearing a tight black tee, comes to the stage and takes his award. He says, America, you got it right—thank you. Then he stubs his toe against something and realizes that he’s just stepped on Seacrest. Simon picks up Seacrest and puts him in his pocket before walking off stage.

[i]Exodus[/i]
Don’t worry, folks, we’ll get Ryan his award right away as well as some first aid. But continuing on with the judges, let’s look at who’s nominated for [b]WORST JUDGE[/b].

Marie Osmond, Celebrity Duets

Paula Abdul, American Idol

David Hasselhoff, America’s Got Talent

Randy Jackson, American Idol

And the worst judge award goes to. . . wait! It’s a tie again! The worst judges are:

[b] Marie Osmond, Celebrity Duets, and David Hasselhoff, America’s Got Talent[/b]

~ ~ ~ David Hasselhoff comes to the stage wearing his Don’t Hassle The Hoff shirt and a black leather jacket. Marie Osmond arrives second, screaming, “how could you? Don’t you know who I am? I’m a little bit country, dammit!” The Hoff takes his award, sweeps Marie into a big hug, and then sings his latest hit, Jump In My Car. Marie tries to sing A Little Bit Country into the mic but Hoff’s voice is too overpowering. Then everyone realizes that Hoff thinks he’s won an award for Best New Video. Exodus tries to explain but Hoff thanks everyone associated with the video and then plants one on Marie, carrying her off stage over his shoulder. Exodus shrugs and continues:

The nominees for [b]MOST ENTERTAINING JUDGE[/b] are:

Little Richard, Celebrity Duets

Simon Cowell, American Idol

Michael Kors, Project Runway

And the winner is:

[b]Little Richard, Celebrity Duets[/b]

~ ~ ~ Little Richard jumps out of his chair, screaming, Good golly miss molly! He gets to the mic and makes his speech: Whop doo dittle doo! My sneakers on my hands and my mittens on my tongue. Sweetie pootie nommie lolly oompah loompah. You gotta go get it when you got it and I do times two four and eighteen minus the bus. Soul and father and piano me my music note. Whooooooo. Exodus shrugs once more and introduces Rebelyeahright.

[i]Rebel[/i]
We’ve seen our fair share of sleaze this year. Here are the nominees for [b]SLEAZIEST PERSONALITY[/b].

Boogie, BB7

Jen, The Real World Denver

Brad Fogal, Treasure Hunters

NY, Flavor of Love

Any woman who slept with Flav on Flavor of Love

The award for sleaze goes to:

[b]Boogie, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Boogie runs to the stage, moons the audience, takes his award, and runs off before anyone can throw anything. Will does the cabbage patch on his chair. NY from Flavor of Love curses up a storm and storms out, also mooning everyone, because she didn’t win.

Rebel says, The next award is for [b]MOST ENTERTAINING PERSONALITY[/b]. Let’s see the nominees:

Dr. Will, BB7

Tim Gunn, Project Runway

Janelle, BB7

Kathy Griffin, My Life On The D-List

Jerry Springer, Dancing With The Stars

The winner is:

[b]Dr. Will, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Will duplicates exactly what Boogie just did, adding a quick “I hate you all” into the mic before running off.

Rebel announces the next award, [b]MOST ANNOYING PERSONALITY[/b]. The nominees are:

Marcel, Top Chef

Erika, BB7

Kayte Fogal, Treasure Hunters

NY, Flavor of Love

Janice Dickinson, Modeling Agency

The most annoying personality according to your votes is:

[b]Erika, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Audience waits for Erika but no one can find her. Rebel says, I accept this award on Erika’s behalf. She couldn’t grab onto Boogie or Will’s coattails quick enough to get to the stage. Now please welcome BrendanO to present the next award.

[i]BrendanO[/i]

The next category is [b]BEST MOMENT IN 06[/b]. The nominees are:

BJ & Tyler v Jeremy and Eric run for the finish line, TAR 9

Flavor Flav not choosing NY for a second time, Flavor of Love

Chris Daughtry’s surprise ousting, American Idol

Janelle voting out Dr. Will, BB7

Erika losing BB7

The winner is:

[b]BJ & Tyler run for the finish line, TAR[/b]

~ ~ ~ BJ & Tyler run for the stage, flip flops flipping and hippie hair flowing. They say, Thanks, man, this is awesome.

BrendanO says, You’re welcome, but you have to share that award because we have another tie. The [b]OTHER winner for BEST MOMENT[/b] is:

[b]Janelle voting out Dr. Will, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Janelle whips her blonde locks around and vamps her way to the stage. “I just want to thank my cast mates and say sorry to Will but it was something I had to do for the game and, heehee, that’s it. Thank you, everybody! Now let’s get some wine!” BrendanO escorts Janelle offstage.

[i]GatsbyGirl[/i]

I hope you’re all enjoying the awards show so far. The awards were tabulated using forum posts, PMs, and an intricate system of asterisks and counting. Votes have not been verified and all action in this award show is completely fictitious. Now, I give you the next presenter, Chauncy.

[i]Chauncy[/i]
The next category is for [b]WORST MOMENT OF 06[/b]. The nominees are:

Boogie winning BB7

Tina being the first voted off Survivor Panama

Parvati slicing open her finger, Survivor

Something taking a dump on the floor, Flavor of Love

Erika and Boogie in the tub, BB7

The Reality Shack award goes to:

[b]Boogie winning BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Boogie, who is still backstage from his last award, comes out, hands overhead, cheering for himself. He says, Thanks, I loved winning and I love that you didn’t. And I don’t love Erika!” Chauncy then announces the next category.

The [b]MOST MEMORABLE EXIT[/b] nominees are:

Howie, BB7

NY, Flavor of Love

Bruce, Survivor

Sara Evans, Dancing With The Stars

The winner is:

[b]Howie, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Howie puffs up his chest and swings around his light saber as he approaches the stage. He takes the award, says, Thanks very much, especially to Janie—I love you Janie!—and if you want to see more of me go to Howiegordon.com. Then he chucks his award backstage and runs after it in the hopes that he hits Boogie with it. Chauncy ducks out of the way and then introduces the next presenter, LauraBelle.

[i]LauraBelle[/i]

Things at the Shack awards are as wild as we are! Let’s see the wild nominees for [b]BEST WINNER IN A COMPETITION[/b].

Emitt Smith, Dancing With The Stars

Josh Blue, Last Comic Standing

Taylor Hicks, American Idol

Yul, Survivor

Eric, Biggest Loser

The best winner is:

[b]Yul, Survivor[/b]

~ ~ ~ Yul cautiously approaches the stage. He takes his award from LB and says, “I had a seventy percent chance of winning with a two percent margin of error. A third of my thanks goes to my tribe and then a fraction to Jeff Probst as well as CBS. If I’ve forgotten anyone, I apologize in advance.”

[i]LauraBelle[/i]

We can’t have a best winner without a [b]WORST WINNER[/b]. Here are the nominees:

Boogie, BB 7

Heather, Hell’s Kitchen

Lukas, Rockstar Supernova

Your worst winner is:

[b]Oh, no. Boogie, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ LB cringes as Boogie approaches. She hands him his award and he rips open his shirt in exaltation. LB walks off stage in the opposite direction.

The next presenter, NiceGuy, comes to the mic.

[i]NiceGuy[/i]

Wow, that was a sight. Anyway, our next category is [b]FUNNIEST MOMENT OF 06[/b]. Let’s see who’s nominated:

Chill town’s diary room phone calls, BB7

Kim sliding into the clue box, TAR

Jerry Springer’s Latin flair, Dancing With The Stars

Wayne Brady singing Build Me Up Buttercup without realizing they were back from break, Celebrity Duets

The winner is:

[b]Chill town’s diary room phone calls, BB7[/b]

~ ~ ~ Will bounds to the stage as Boogie returns with his shirt still open. They high five, put their hands to their heads, and do what they do best. Rrrrrinnnnggg. Rrrrrriinnngggg.

Will: Hey, Boogie.
Boogie: What up, Will?
Will: Can you believe that these idiots keep giving you awards?
Boogie: I know! And they don’t realize that the more they vote for me, the more they’ll see me on stage!
Will: I hate them!
Boogie: Me, too.

HAHAHHAHHAHHAAAAAA.

NiceGuy shakes his head and sighs. Then he says, Please welcome our next presenter, Dolliac.

[i]Dolliac[/i]

Howdy all. Here are the nominees for [b]SHOW THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK[/b].

The Mole

Starting Over

The winner is, by an overwhelming percentage of the vote, is:

[b]The Mole[/b]

~ ~ ~ Dolliac accepts the award as The Mole doesn’t exist and no one is there to accept it. Dolliac then announces, the nominees for [b]SHOW THAT SHOULD GO AWAY[/b]:

Breaking Bonaduce

Nashville Star

America’s Next Top Model

The Bachelor

The Apprentice

The award goes to, or should I say awards because there’s another tie!

[b]Breaking Bonaduce and The Bachelor[/b]

~ ~ ~ Danny Bonaduce climbs up onstage and yells into the mic, Penis! Penis! Penis! His therapist follows, asking him to reevaluate his behavior. Danny plays with the zipper on his pants, threatening to actually take out his penis, but instead decides to show the audience the photocopy of it he made with his son, which he carries around in his pocket. No one from The Bachelor will come to get their award because they don’t want to be anywhere near Bonaduce genitalia. Neither does Dolliac who runs off stage the other direction yelling out that the next presenter is Hautmncs.

[i]Hautumncs[/i]

First I want to say that I still love The Hoff. Secondly, the nominees for [b]MOST DETAILED RECAPS[/b] are:

Polomex

Aurora

LauraBelle

The award goes to:

[b]Aurora[/b]

~ ~ ~ Aurora dances up to the stage, takes her award, and says, Thanks to everyone at the Shack and also to Big Brother Live Feeds. Couldn’t have done it without you.

Hautumncs then announces the nominees for [b]FUNNIEST RECAPS[/b]:

GatsbyGirl

Mali

The winner is:

[b]GatsbyGirl[/b]

~ ~ ~ GatsbyGirl bounds out from backstage and twirls around with her award. “Thanks to everyone who voted. I’ll reassure everyone now that I didn’t actually vote for anything since I had to tabulate so this is really kinda special. Thanks for laughing!” Then GiGi trips over her own feet and winds up face down backstage. Hautumncs laughs her ass off and introduces the next presenter, Chinook.

[i]Chinook[/i]

The next category is [b]MOST SCANDALOUS MOMENT[/b]. The nominees are:

Gabriel Iglesias making phone calls without permission, Last Comic Standing

Keith using pattern books, Project Runway

Otto accidentally stealing the lychee, Top Chef

Something taking a dump, Flavor of Love

Chris Daughtry voted off of American Idol

The Reality Shack award goes to:

[b]Something taking a dump, Flavor of Love[/b]

~ ~ ~ Chinook takes the award and explains, Something was not allowed into the building tonight because she wasn’t wearing undergarments and we just had our carpets cleaned. I accept this award on her behalf. And now, here’s BrazeGoesMoo for our next category.

[i]BrazeGoesMoo[/i]

I’m here to present two awards. The nominees for [b]BEST NEW SHOW[/b] are:

Treasure Hunters

Unan1mous

My Life on the D-List

Celebrity Duets

Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

The winner is:

[b]Treasure Hunters[/b]

~ ~ ~Laird Macintosh accepts the award for the entire cast and crew of Treasure Hunters and then spits on the names of the Fogals. He gallantly leaves and Braze continues.

The nominees for [b]WORST NEW SHOW[/b] are:

Unan1mous

How To Get The Guy

Martha Stewart Apprentice

Show Me The Money (or as someone called it “That William Shatner Dancing Show”)

America’s Got Talent

The award goes to:

[b]Martha Stewart, The Apprentice[/b]

~ ~ ~ Martha Stewart walks to the stage, accepts her award, and then whips up a transistor radio with it, complete with table cloth carrying case. She says, It’s a good thing. But before she can leave, Donald Trump comes careening to the stage and screams, “You’re fired!” Martha guffaws and ambles off with Trump yelling after her. Braze moos and introduces the final presenter, Aurora.

[i]Aurora[/i]

The last two awards of the night are for the best and worst shows of the season. The nominees for [b]WORST SHOW OF THE SEASON[/b] are:

Unan1mous

American Idol

The Apprentice

The winner of the worst is:

[b]Unan1mous[/b]

~ ~ ~ Aurora takes the award and says, I’ll accept this award on behalf of the cast and crew of Unan1mous. Right now, they’re locked in a bunker and can’t get out.

The nominees for [b]BEST SHOW OF THE SEASON[/b] are:

Project Runway

Rockstar Supernova

Survivor 12

Beauty and the Geek

BB7

The Amazing Race

The best winner of the whole shebang is:

[b]The Amazing Race[/b]

~ ~ ~ Phil returns to the stage, this time with no obstacles, and a gaggle of teams clap and cheer and gather around behind him. Phil thanks everyone and then sets the teams off to race backstage. Aurora stage dives to avoid being trampled.

[i]GatsbyGirl[/i]

I hope you all had a great night. Lots of laughs. Some surprises. Thanks for your nominations and votes. We’ll see you again next year. Maybe. If I can get my act together again.

It’s been real! Omigod, I’m so cheezee I can’t take it.

Disagree with the results? You should have voted! Or you can complain about it in the forums. Email or PM me if you like but there’s not much I can do to change them.


Comments are closed.