So…you’re back. Well, it’s not like you ever left either. You were just resting, refining your shady strategies and getting ready to pollute the airwaves, yet again. I never watched you on Survivor but your story became big news. Then there was your whole wedding extravaganza, which CBS milked as if you were real “stars.” And just when I thought you’d had your fill, bam! you landed smack in the middle of The Amazing Race. Even worse, you brought your mind games with you, nearly wrecking the spirit of the race. I was sure that it would be enough – after all, how many times can you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the reality TV shows you ruin? But no, I was entirely too optimistic. It turns out that TAR didn’t learn their lesson the first time and invited your smug, smirking faces back for the All Star edition. When I heard the news, I howled in agony. And then, the unthinkable happened. I heard that you were being considered for Dancing with the Stars. This is where I draw the line.
It’s time for a serious reality check. You won some money, you found each other, you gave reality TV another go. That needs to be enough. You’ve become like the kids that MTV recycles between Real World, Road Rules Challenge and The Gauntlet. While lame and rather sad as they struggle for 100k, at least they’re kids and there’s a chance that they’ll outgrow their freeloading lives. But you, you’re supposed to be adults. I understand the allure of easy money but you have that already. I can even pretend to comprehend the excitement of Z list fame. But at some point, you have to stop and that point better come before you hit DWTS. You are old news, a footnote to a reality show, a moment on some edited tape. You haven’t earned the right to be in the public eye – you haven’t contributed anything to society. Sure, neither has Paris Hilton but at least she knows it.
The problem is that there’s no end to this. If you have marital problems, you’ll go on Dr. Phil. If you have kids (God help us), you’ll show the birth on cable and then have Supernanny come by to help you raise them. Then you’ll WifeSwap and horror of horrors, those same kids will go on reality show and the cycle will start all over again. Please, for the love of reality TV, give it a rest. Try giving being normal for a change and learn to live without cameras and “strategy.” You don’t need to push over the old lady in the supermarket to get to the checkout lines first. You don’t need to kiss photogenically, to showcase your best angles. And you know what, there are worst things than earning a buck by showing up to a… job. There’s a lot to be said for living a real life. I’d really like you to give it a try because I don’t want you ruining my favorite show. There’s no room for strategy on DWTS, only sequins and self-tanner. So do Bruno and I a favor and take your talentless, fame-hungry, conniving selves off the air.