Let’s recap, shall we? At the Head of Household competition, Mike took control, and with their plan working perfectly, Chill Town continued to show-mance the girls. At the nomination ceremony, Mike kept his partner in crime safe, and the lying continued. The women battled for safety in the final veto competition of the summer, and Janelle came out the victor. With her back against the wall, Erika went on the defensive, and she made Janelle a promise: to take her to the Final Two. When the two girls compared notes on the promises Boogie and Will had made to both of them, Chill Town was exposed. Will sensed he was in danger, predicting his departure, but Boogie refused to believe it. The Puppet Master finally met his match and was evicted from the house by Janelle, leaving Mike stunned. Part One of the final Head of Household competition was over prematurely when Boogie pulled an unexpected move and voluntarily quit the game moments after it began, shocking Janelle enough to momentarily remove her hand from her key. Erika has won Part One, but who will win the final three-part Head of Household competition, and who will make it to the Final Two?
Boogie’s jaw is still on the ground from Will’s departure, but the ladies are celebrating. “You get ‘em, girlfriend! Let’s get these boys. Oh gawd, I’m loving this game. Sometimes, I really love this game” Erika elates, as Janelle admits, “Evicting Will was horrible for me because I lied to him and told him that I wasn’t going to evict him, but I felt like he was getting in the way of winning the game.” After Will leaves, Erika taunts Boogie, rubbing his loss in his face, “Checkmate.” Y’know, Erika, there is such a thing as a bad winner. Boogie is annoyed, “Show-mances can be very effective for you. It kinda turned into a ho-mance. I’m just glad that America now knows that Erika is, in fact, a ho. I’ve used that girl up for all I need. I’ve got myself in a position to win this game. That’s all she was good for.” Shut the f—k up, Boogie. You and Will lied non-stop to almost every person in the house, blindsiding and evicting at least four houseguests in a row, but when it comes time to take a taste of your own medicine, you’re going to act like a whining baby?! Nuh-uh. Don’t deal it if you can’t take it.
Erika is a little less snarky, but definitely sarcastic, “I think the baby plans are probably going to be put on hold now. I think he’s a little upset with me. I kinda had his best friend booted from the house. Happens!” She shrugs and smirks. Mike looks like a sad, lost puppy… a very ugly, washed-up, out-of-style, has-been, sad puppy. In the Diary Room, he says, “This is the first time all season that Chill Town really got played. Erika’s been moping around. She had her ugly long face on all day. She knew all along she was staying. I give her credit for being a backstabbing witch, but now the gloves are off, and let’s box!” Again, why is it ‘smart’ when you guys were doing it, but when the girls do it, you consider it ‘betrayal’? I smell bull crap. Janelle, away from the drama of the former show-mance, says, “I think Erika and I are getting the last laugh. I mean, what goes around comes around, right?” Better watch yourself there, Janelle. Will and Boogie aren’t the only guests in this house who have played people.
Erika wins the first round of the three-part final HoH Competition quickly and unexpectedly as we are once again subjected to the clips of Boogie jumping off the volcano (“Richard Hatch knew he was the most hated and bowed out early of the endurance portion. These two girls in their respective seasons did very well in endurance. I knew that they would both be very determined to beat me… In Part Two, I’m going to take my chances.”) and Janelle losing grip of her key. Janelle wanted to win, “I wanted to win an endurance competition. I had never won one, and I pride myself on winning competitions. But I lost it.” Inside, in the privacy of the green and yellow bedrooms, Boogie throws a tantrum, “Clearly, the girls struck some sort of deal to get rid of Chill Town. Will and I let down our guards, we got cocky, and she got to Janelle. To be honest, I’m going to miss my buddy, and I really had a dream of both of us sitting in the finals. I just don’t know what happened.” I can tell you what happened, buddy. You got PLAYED. Bwahahahahaha!
The ladies share another smoke in the backyard. Erika is all about payback, “I just hope Janelle can smoke him in the next round. I have all the faith in the world that that girl will.” Janelle says, “Boogie is pissed!” “Good!” replies Erika.
Still whining, Boogie begins to cry, “I’ve never been in the Big Brother house in two seasons without Will. It’s a very odd feeling. We can dish it out, but we can’t take it.” Mike wipes his nose with his hat. Janelle beams, “If any woman has ever been played by a guy, she should feel great for what Erika and I have just accomplished.” And finally in what has to be the saddest, most pathetic, ridiculously hilarious Charlie-Brown moment of the entire series, Mike sits in the Diary Room, calling his Chill Town buddy on their old “hotline,” but no one answers his ring. “Riiing… Riiing… Riiing….. Oh man…”
The second part of the final HoH Competition, “Fly by Night,” takes place in the backyard at night. The houseguests enter the backyard to see scaffolding, green laser beams, smoke, mirrors, and a GM Pontiac Solstice convertible hanging high above the backyard. Names of the past six winners of Big Brother are placed around the upper rim of the circular scaffolding. The players are hooked into harnesses and hoisted high over the ground to the scaffolding rim. They have to swing from each point where a name is placed along the circle’s rim to the next, directing the laser beams off the mirrors at each location to point to the next Big Brother winner, in the proper order of the seasons. Not only will the winner move on to the third part of the competition but will also win the car. If, however, neither Janelle or Boogie complete the task in under five minutes, Erika wins the car. (The correct order is Eddie, Will, Lisa, Jun, Drew, Maggie.)
Janelle has trouble reflecting the laser and pulling herself around the scaffolding, and when she finishes, “not pleased with (her) time.” Not to mention that the “laser” begins to lose its intensity the more times it’s diverted, so it becomes harder to see. Boogie insists, I definitely feel like the underdog tonight. I definitely want to control my own destiny and not worry about what these girls are going to do.” Boogie focuses intensely on the game, and has an easier time getting around the rim than she had. “I was losing valuable time. When you’re up against Janelle, there’s no room for error,” he says. When he finishes the course, he applauds, “Beat that! Beat that!” With over three minutes, Janelle’s time is too slow, leaving Boogie to face Erika in the third part. Janelle feels bad that Erika and Boogie get to compete in the third part, “I have to watch. I’m worried that they won’t have to take me to the Final Two. Why would they take me?” As far as I was concerned, Erika had it in the bag from the beginning, because there was no way that either Boogie or Janelle was going to take the other, each of them knowing that they can beat the furniture that is otherwise known as Erika.
Boogie plays on Erika’s hopeless need for him to like her, so in the kitchen, he starts to chat with her about the finale, “I don’t think either of us can beat Janelle. You’ll lose two [votes] if you evict me.” As I continue to throw things at my television, Erika acquiesces to Boogie’s tactics. “I hate him, and I hate the fact that I’m still attracted to him because I hate him so much,” Erika squirms. Damn it, girl, shut up! He is all kinds of creepiness! Get over it!
Julie Chen checks in with the houseguests in the living room. She asks Boogie if she misses him. “The bro-mance is over,” he laughs. When Julie asks Erika, “Why aren’t you sharing a bed anymore?”, she squirms a bit and shrugs off the question a bit, saying, “Feelings change.”
But let’s get back to the more interesting house: the Jury House back in Mexico. George and Danielle take charge of the cooking. Danielle feels good being at the Jury House, smiling, “Let’s have a good time. We’re all losers. Let’s just have some fun.” The five jury members gather at the front door to meet their newest arrival, wondering who will be coming in. “I’d hate to see Janey coming through the Jury house door, as I want her to win the whole thing,” says the big troll… um, I mean, Howie.
Will walks through the gate and gives that classic charming smile. “I don’t believe it!” George worships his feet. “Will is the newest member of the Jury, and I couldn’t possibly be happier. It’s sweet, poetic justice,” celebrates Marcellas, while Howie greets Will with his usual creepily inappropriate kisses. “I got the worst boot in the history of Big Brother,” Will laughs. “Boogie scumbagged your ass, didn’t he?” says Danielle. “Worse!” chuckles Will. He announces, “I was excited to show the Jury members how I got kicked out. Am I embarrassed? Of course! But it was a good time, so I can’t complain.” Everyone gathers to watch the footage of his eviction. Danielle is amazed that Boogie put Will on the block after Janelle vetoed herself. When they hear Janelle’s tribute in evicting Will, (“for Marcellas and Howie”) James and Danielle are immediately skeptical, claiming, “Completely trying to get votes.” James barks at Marcellas, “Don’t you believe that crap!” while Marcellas displays the sound of one man clapping. Marcellas is pleased, “I loved hearing Janelle dedicate Dr. Ill’s eviction to me, even if Howie’s name was mentioned in the same sentence.” Danielle scolds Mike and Will, “One thing about girls, girls talk. Those guys should’ve known, those ladies were going to compare notes, and they knew what they had to do.” Will accepts the situation, admitting, “I will give credit where credit is due. They spanked my ass, both cheeks; they’re still red, and it still hurts.”
The final round of the three-part final HoH Competition takes place inside the house. Julie announces she will be reading six statements made by members of the Jury while they were in the house. For each statement, she reads two possible endings, and the players have to guess which ending is correct. “George said, ‘The most annoying thing about the house was…’ (A) Howie, or (B) the mess.” The correct answer is B, they each get one point.
“Danielle said, ‘The moment in the house I’m afraid to have my friends and family see is…’ (A) when I was drunk, or (B) when I cried for three days straight.” The correct answer is A. The players are tied at two apiece.
“Will said, ‘The most shocking moment in the house was…’ (A) the Fast-Forward eviction, or (B) my own eviction.” The correct answer is A. Mike takes the lead with three points.
“Marcellas said, ‘The most annoying thing about the house was…’ (A) absolutely everything, or (B) Mike and Will’s love affair.” The correct answer is B. They both get it wrong, but Mike is still in the lead by one point.
“James said, ‘The hottest girl in the house was…’ (A) Diane, or (B) Marcellas.” The correct answer is B. They both get it ride, Mike is still in the lead by one.
“Howie said, ‘The most shocking moment in the house was…’ (A) when Chill Town threw me under the bus, or (B) George winning HoH.” The correct answer is B. They both get it right, but Mike wins with five points, becoming the final Head of Household.
ChenBot asks Janelle and Erika for their final words, and Erika asks Boogie to take her, “It’s been a long ride. We had an alliance in this game from the very, very beginning. I’ve always had your back. I think you probably have a better chance of beating me than you do against Janelle because she’s Janelle. I’d really appreciate it if you’d take me.” Boooooring. Janelle is more aggressive, “She actually discovered that you and Will were playing everyone. She can point out the fact that she discovered you guys earlier on.” However, as expected, Mike evicts Janelle, “I love you, but I have to evict you, sweetie.” Please excuse me; I have a party to throw. As soon as Janelle is out the door, Boogie and Erika celebrate with a kiss. *gag*
Julie greets Janelle outside of the house. “Do you think it was purely strategy voting you out?” Janelle agrees. “You have won more competitions than anyone. Looking back, what was the flaw in your game?” Janelle thinks she trusted too many people, including Chill Town. “What are your feelings for Will?” Janelle refuses to answer the question. Ugh, whatever.
We’re down to the wire folks. Who do you see taking it all home? Skeletor or B-Man?
Gas up the car, and let’s go to email@example.com.